Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

Researchers have found that most abused women leave the abuser multiple times before finally being able to stay away for good. This prolonged process is largely due to the abuser’s ongoing coercion and manipulation but also is caused by the trauma bonds he has engendered in his partner.

wants to return to pursuing his fantasy of the dream girl who does everything for him and never challenges him.

Even the abusive man who is ready to be single again may still crave retaliation for all the ways he feels you hurt him, which in his distorted perceptual system may include all the times you defended yourself, questioned the superiority of his knowledge and judgment, or refused to simply be a carbon copy of him.

My clients sometimes leave a woman to punish her. Women in this position can experience the abuser’s departure as one final slap in the face following a long line of previous ones—figuratively or literally—that leaves her feeling even more humiliated and unlovable.

understand that his exit was just one more way she was walked on.

After breaking up with an abusive man, wait at least a few months before becoming involved with a new partner. Taking time to heal emotionally from the abuse you have endured can be critical to helping you choose a nonabusive partner next time.

“BOYS AND MEN SHOULD BE IN CONTROL, AND FEMALES SHOULD SUBMIT TO THAT CONTROL.”

They may have an active fantasy life about getting big enough to stand up to him, and often dream of hurting him.

An abuser in the home affects everybody.