Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

It’s easier sometimes to just give in.

I remember day when he pestered me for a blowjob while I was sick. I remember thinking about just giving in but I thought no and stood my ground! I’m so proud of myself for sticking to my INTIAL boundaries after he tried crossing them again and again!

It seems like the only time we feel close is when we’re making love.

In fact, memories of the better aspects of their sexual relationship can be part of why a woman who has left an abusive partner feels so tempted to give him another chance.

But there is also the other extreme. I have had clients whose only interest in sex was for domination and degradation. For the woman, being in bed with this style of abuser can be a nightmare.

“I’m a very sexually dominant person.”

He wants sex when he wants it, the way he likes it, and with little attention to how she may feel or what her needs might be. Sexual episodes with him may feel like sexual assaults to her.

He wants sex when he wants it. Whether it it’s 4:30 am in the morning and I want some sleep or if I’m ill coughing and sneezing. He wants head even after I’ve vomited and I look visibly uncomfortable. He wants head even after I’ve told him I’m too tired then complains about it being “unenthusiastic”

He may make her feel guilty about his sexual frustration,

I felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into giving him a blowjob while I was sick. He kept pestering me for it and even said “other girls still do it even when they’re sick!” Bitch wtf!

He may threaten infidelity: “Well, if you won’t have sex with me, I can find plenty of women who will.”

He hasn’t explicitly threaten infidelity however he has insinuated to just leaving. I said to him “I won’t care” while we were on the phone. “You can stop caring but if you stop caring then I’ll stop caring all together” . Another time I said to him I might feel inspired by her after hearing about how his ex refused him a blowjob. He then said “if you feel inspired then I’ll feel inspired to do other things.” I straight up told him I didn’t care.

A woman named Cynthia recounted how her partner coerced her by using relentlessness: “If I don’t want to have sex with Ernie, he just goes on and on, and he won’t stop until I change my mind. He’ll beg me,

Was literally him. He was relentless about the topic till the next day.

When people think about forced sex, they picture physical assault. So when an abuser forces sex through pressure or manipulation or sleep deprivation, a woman doesn’t know what to call it and may blame herself.

A woman can need some time and distance before she can come to realize that she was not responsible for her partner’s sexual mistreatment of her, before she can even name what he did.

Now that I’ve had time and distance from him I can label what he did as attempted COERCION! Melissa is right, he’s showing himself as being no different to Oli and those uni guys.

Studies show that women whose partners abuse them sexually can have some of the greatest emotional difficulties, including depression, of any abused women.

One style of abusive man may behave in a sexually appropriate manner for the early period of a relationship, and then one night from hell he may broadside his partner with aggressive, degrading sex or even force her outright. The woman is left in shock, heartbroken and betrayed, feeling that her life has been turned upside down.

When we look inside the abuser’s mind, we often find that dazzling lovemaking and spirit-murdering sexual aggression can actually be two aspects of the same mind-set.

He is invested in having her reach orgasm so that he can see himself as a great lover. He wants to be erotic because he believes that his sexual prowess will enable him to dominate women.

He claims to be sexually dominant so it’s possible that his desire to please him more comes from feeling sexually dominant as opposed to satisfying me for me.

Of course, any lover gets some pride out of bringing pleasure to a partner. But to many abusive men, that’s the only reason why the woman’s satisfaction matters. Everything refers back to him.

he may feel very attached to having her meet his various needs,

My clients commonly believe that a woman gives up her right to decline sex once she becomes seriously involved with a man. It’s her responsibility to have sex with him to make him feel loved, to meet his sexual needs, or simply because that’s her job.

she has the right to say no as long as she always says no, but the first time they actually make love, she forfeits her option to turn him down from that day forward.

To other abusers, marriage is the moment when her body is transferred to his ownership. To still others, moving in together is the demarcation line.

Her decision not to have sex may be respected up to that moment, but then his entitlement tends to take over.

I’ve definitely felt like he has shown some level of sexual entitlement. Entitlement towards receiving blowjobs. Not just blowjobs but good ones.

Women are the ones that really have the power over men because they know they have what we want the most, and they have the power to shut us out.

He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact.

This is how his thought process is. He has this idea that a woman “withdraws sex” as a manipulative tactic. As if she’s keeping something from him! As if there’s no other reasons as to why a woman would turn down sex. As if a woman doesn’t have control over her own bodily autonomy.

his sexual actions are like those of a tomcat marking territory. Once he has “gone all the way” with a woman, he feels that he owns her, or at least owns a piece of her. Both the kinder and more cruel aspects of the sexuality of abusive men can spring from the use of sex to establish dominance.

He wanted to piss on my face to assert his “domination.” I’m not letting a BOYFRIEND piss on my face/assert that level of dominance over me! Some things I’ve got to save for my HUSBAND! Thank you!

This man is heavily focused on “scoring,” and the actual effect he has on the lives of these women, from broken promises to sexually transmitted infections, never seems to hit home for him.

For those abusers who are not chronically unfaithful to their partners, this competition with men may still exist, perhaps taking the form of desiring to have the most beautiful or sexy partner and wanting other men to see how he owns and controls her. His partner may be flattered by his pride in her at first, but gradually she comes to feel that she is being used as a showpiece, with her humanity ignored.

I definitely have felt like my humanity has been ignored for the sake of his desires. I’ve definitely been turned into some kind of sex doll in his eyes. It’s almost creepy. This one time I told him I didn’t like deep throating because I had a sore throat for 2 DAYS! 2 DAYS straight! You know what he did? As usual when things don’t go his way? He dismissed my feelings! He said “So what! We both go through lengths to please each other! I have a sore dick!” First off all I’m not shoving your dick in my vagina! Even if I did that’s no where near as comparable considering the fact that something like that would feel good to a man. However having your throat shoved down someone’s dick doesn’t. I’m NOT surprised when his ex finally declined him a blowjob! The fact that he was surprised and shocked aswell! Like DUH Also, I have definitely felt like he’s wanted to show me off to other men! He’s asked me to dress sexier/ more revealing to brag on other men and make other men jealous 🤢🤮

This style of abusive man looks at his partner as a machine to be used for his sexual use.

If you are involved with a sexually exploitative partner, you may find that sex is sometimes, or perhaps always, a nightmare. Exploitative, rough, coercive, uncaring sex is similar to physical violence in its effects, and can be worse in many ways. And part of why it feels so degrading is that a woman can sense the fact that in her partner’s mind she has ceased to exist as a human being.

I’ve definitely felt like when he’s face fucked me. Like I’ve just been completely dehumanised. I’ve felt just lifeless in that moment. All I do is disconnect and dissociate from my body. Because of the patriarchy and porn women feel like they need to partake in this stuff that hurts us for the sake of pleasing men. There’s pressure in society for a woman to sexually please and satisfy her man to the best of her ability otherwise if he cheats the blame is put on her.

He craves, in short, a sexual partner with no mind or will of her own.

100% him! “I don’t like it when you’re not submissive.” Lol he wants a sex doll that he can have access to whenever he pleases. A sex doll that “submits” to his sexual requests/desires while they’re sleepy at 4:30am / a sex doll that’ll still satisfy his “needs” while she’s sick. “Being sick is not an excuse.” Of course. Screw a woman’s levels of comfort. Forget about that. You’re only there to serve and submit towards his needs whenever he wants to! Doesn’t matter if you’re sick! It’s not an excuse!

Finally, on some level he hopes that his ability to transport you sexually will tie you to him, so that he can have power over you in other, nonsexual ways.

He thought his magical dick would get me to fall in love and overlook his toxicity. Please! He really things his big dick is enough to make a girl fall in love 💀🤚 I even mentioned I couldn’t understand how his ex fell in love with him and he happily responded “big dick”

He may be attracted primarily to sex involving domination, referred to by some researchers as the sexualization of subordination. As your relationship progresses, he may feel disappointed to discover that you don’t fit his fantasy of a concubine—submissive and servile. There may be ways in which you stand up to him, refusing to relinquish certain aspects of your life or thoughts to his control. Some abusive men unfortunately have difficulty in achieving sexual arousal once they discover that a woman is determined to be her own person.

“I don’t like it when you’re not submissive” He loves to talk about CONSENT! Doesn’t he! Yet that time when I declined to suck him off so I can SLEEP! He said “I don’t like it when you’re not submissive.” I told him right then and there that that’s coercion! Like wtf! Fucking get OVER it! Why does this book actually fit and describe him 💀☠️

The swing from electric sexual charge to loss of all sexual desire can increase his power just as the other highs and lows do.

Contrary to what some abusive men seem to believe, women do not find abuse sexy. When a woman’s partner calls her “bitch” or “whore,” mocks her, or physically intimidates her, the image of entwining herself intimately with him recedes far from her mind.

Abusive men do not grasp how ugly they appear when acting cruel.

Does abuse turn him on? Perhaps. Some men do appear to find abuse arousing, probably because they associate sexuality with domination.

Pornography tends to be filled with abuse of women, so his drive to make her watch it can also come from wanting to prove to her that his degrading treatment is normal.

She may confide in him about some sexual victimization she suffered earlier in life, or about a period of promiscuity she went through, or about “hang-ups” or sexual difficulties that she has. The abusive man tends to make mental note of the highly personal knowledge he gains. At another phase in the relationship, when things turn ugly, his partner may find that her vulnerabilities are being thrown back on her.

he carries his core attitude problems right into the bedroom with him.

And while substance abusers can be male or female, abusive partners are overwhelmingly male.

He accused me of being emotionally abusive. However emotional abusers tend to be men.

Alcoholics tend to find that they are drinking increasing amounts, or with increasing frequency, or both. This escalation is caused partly by tolerance, which means that the body adapts to the substance, so that more is required to have the same effect.

For example, you as the partner of an abuser may have become increasingly depressed over time (because chronic mistreatment is depressing), and now he gets angry about the ways in which your decreased energy make you cater to him less enthusiastically. Similarly, abuse may diminish your drive for sex, and then he is hurt and enraged about your lack of desire for him.

He always wants me to be enthusiastic in the bedroom but sometimes I can’t. A man needs to a treat his woman right, cater to her needs and desires first if he wants her to be enthusiastic

Substance abusers prefer to spend their time with other people who abuse substances or with those who at least accept the addiction without making an issue of it,

Both partner abusers and substance abusers tend to keep their partners and children walking on eggshells, never knowing what is going to happen next. This dynamic helps to hook family members into hoping that he will change.

An abusive man typically believes that his use or abuse of substances is none of his partner’s business. No matter how his addiction may lead him to abuse his partner economically (because he pours money into the substance and/or has trouble holding down a job) no matter how burdened she is with household responsibilities because he is out partying, no matter how much worse he may treat her while intoxicated, he nonetheless feels entitled to use substances as he chooses.

he is intently focused on a single desire: to get you back under his control.

He knows he used to be able to control you with charm, affection, and promises. He also remembers how well intimidation or aggression worked at other times. Now both of these tools are losing their effectiveness, so he tries to increase the voltages.

My clients make flip-flopping statements during breakups about who is responsible for the dissolution of the relationship, bouncing between blaming everything on themselves and casting all fault on to the woman. Making it her fault is closer to their real thinking; the blaming of themselves is largely a way to win sympathy from other people, including abuse counselors, who can get drawn in by a theatrical show of pained guilt.

The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerous reactions that abusers can have when relationships draw to a close have often been considered, especially by psychologists, to be evidence of the man’s “fear of abandonment.”

many abusers are vicious to their ex-partners even when they do not desire a reunion or when they initiated the breakup themselves.

Numerous studies have found that mistreatment of women by abusers tends to continue for a substantial period after separation and commonly escalates to levels worse than those when the couple was together.

Your abusive partner’s cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together,