So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore: An Unexpected Journey

by Wayne Jacobsen

He told me that after all he’s done for me, I owe him this.” “It seems to me that if you owe him, then he never really did anything for you.”

“You mean he didn’t do those things for me? Who then? For himself?”

“Who else?

Do you see how our definitions of love get twisted when institutional priorities take over? He probably cares about you. I don’t mean to discount that, but he is still at the center of the conflict. Now he wants to call in a debt you don’t owe. “The problem with church as you know it, Jake, is that it has become nothing more than mutual accommodation of self-need. Everybody needs something out of it. Some need to lead. Some need to be led. Some want to teach, others are happy to be the audience. Rather than beco...

Finally John stood up. “I don’t know what you’re going to do, Jake, but I’ve learned one thing over the years: any friendship that demands that you lie to save it probably

wasn’t a friendship to begin with.”

“I know how powerful that looks to you, Jake, but don’t be fooled. If you want to live this journey, you have to put honesty above personal expedience. It’s easy to try to cover things for the good of the institution, but that’s a step down a path where God does not reside.”

“There are worse things that could happen, Jake, than losing a job. And it won’t change God’s responsibility to take care of you.”

“Why do people go to your church, Jake?” “Because we’re supposed to have fellowship. We need it to be fed, to stay accountable to others, and to grow in God’s life together. Are you saying that’s not right?” “So if someone doesn’t attend anymore, what happens to them?” “They should find another local church and get involved, or they will wither spiritually or fall into error.” “Listen to yourself, Jake. You’re using words like ‘need,’ ‘should’ and ‘supposed to.’ Is that the body life God’s called you to?” “I thought so.” “Scripture doesn’t use the language of need when talking about the vital connection God establishes between believers. Our dependency is in Jesus alone! He’s the one we need. He’s the one we follow. He’s the one God wants us to trust and rely on for everything. When we put the body of Christ in that place, we make an idol of it, and we end up wrapped in knots over such a situation. Religion survives by telling us we need to fall in line or some horrible fate will befall us. “We share body life together, not because we have to, but because we get to. Anyone who belongs to God will embrace the life he wants his children to share together. And that life isn’t fighting over control of the institution but simply helping one another learn to live deeply in him. Whenever we let other factors get in the way of that, we only use love to get our hooks into people. We reward them with affection and punish them by withholding it.”

“How could I have not seen this before, John? The whole system has a hook in it. We even use things like ‘doctrinal unity’ to control people by stifling any disagreement. Since most people only tend to feel good about themselves when they are pleasing others, it’s natural that they would want to conform to our teaching and our programs. John, this is

“I know it does, but just remember you’re not alone. Remember how Jesus’ own disciples schemed to get first place in his kingdom and to use God’s power to punish the Samaritans? Until you discover how to trust God for everything in your life, you will constantly seek to control others for the things you think you need.” “What am I supposed to do then, John? Just give up my job?” “I don’t think that is the choice right now, is it? If I were you, I’d lean in a little closer to Jesus and ask him to show you what he wants you to do. He’ll make it clear to you if

you don’t complicate it with any attempts to protect yourself—not to keep your job, not to be liked by others, not even to save your reputation.” “ ‘He who saves his life loses it,’ eh?”

“Those words are at the heart of learning to live in the reality of Jesus’ kingdom. And don’t forget the rest of it: ‘He who loses his life for my sake will find it.’ This road is rarely easy, but you wi...

any pain in the process.” “But what i...

“Selfishness will protect yourself at someone else’s expense. Risking job, reputation, and friendships to be true to your conscience doesn’t sound selfish to me.”

“Whether or not you make a mess of things really isn’t the issue, is it? Neither is being certain. You can only be responsible for doing what you think is best. If you make a mistake you will see it in time and learn from it. At least you’ll learn to be more dependent on him than on this thing you call church. No one is perfect, Jake, and when you give

up trying to look like you are, you’ll be free to follow him.”

“I know it isn’t easy right now, Jake. These times never are. Just try to remember you’re in the middle of a story, not at the end of it.” “What is that supposed to mean?” “God is doing something in you, answering the deepest prayers you’ve ever prayed. Yes, that process has brought some incredible pain in your life, but he has not abandoned you, Jake. Far from it! He’s holding on to you today as tightly as he ever has.” “It sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like he’s turned every weapon he has against me.” Then, after a brief pause, my cynical side raised its ugly head. “I know, feelings don’t matter.” “On the contrary, they matter a lot! But the fact that you don’t feel him holding you doesn’t change the fact that he still is. It just means your feelings are set to the wrong frequency. I’m not sure this is the best time to get into this, but God wants to help you see through some things that keep tripping you up.” “Well, then, I guess I’m not angriest at you, but at him! I

don’t want him using my life as a football that other people can kick around.” “He’s not like that. I know it feels as if you’ve lost everything you value the most, and in many ways you have. Don’t think he’s orchestrated these events for some higher purpose. You’ve been asking to know him as he really is and that will always bring consequences. It is always easier to play the culture’s game, even its religious game, than to discover who God really is and how he wants to walk with you.”

“So you think God owes you better?” “Doesn’t he? Why should I try so hard to follow him if he won’t watch out for me?” “So that’s it,” John replied, leaning back in his chair. “You grew up with the idea that your goodness would actually control the way God treats you. If you do your part, he has to do his.”

God’s doing his part all the time. He loves you more than anyone else ever will and will not keep his hands out of your life. Sometimes we cooperate and sometimes we don’t and that can affect how things sort out. But don’t think you can control God by your actions because it isn’t like that. If we could control God, he’d turn out like us. Wouldn’t it be better to let him have his way with us so we become like him?”

“But look at the mess I’m in, John. I’ve just tried to do what was right and it hasn’t helped me at all.” “But it has in ways you don’t know yet. God is setting you free from the things in which you used to find security in the past. They were in the way of God being the Father to you that he knew you wanted—and they were false hopes anyway. Losing them is always painful and I know you’re dealing with more than most right now, but you are wrong to think God has turned against you, or that he is somehow ignoring you.” “What else can I think? I thought God was making some things clearer to me and I thought that would bring some added joy and peace to my life. I thought others would love it as much as I did. But I find out that they do not and I’m wondering myself if I’ve not been duped. If this was God, don’t you think things would be getting better?” “I would, and I think they are.”

“I’ll admit your circumstances seem much worse now. But that’s not the only place to look. You’re on a new road with your eyes on old road signs. I think what God wants you to know is that those old road signs are nothing but myths to prop up a dying system. They don’t really work, as you’re finding out.” “What kind of myths?” “For one, you think suffering is a sign of God’s displeasure with you. Didn’t Job make that mistake? Suffering often indicates that God is setting us free from something so that we can follow and embrace him more deeply. Walking in his life will always mean you are going against the grain. Don’t expect your circumstances to conform easily to this journey. They will resist it at every turn. God wants to teach you how to walk with him through these things so that you can know a joy and peace that transcends circumstance.” “But doesn’t God promise to bless those who follow his ways?” “Certainly that is the fruit of doing so, but he doesn’t define those blessings in your terms. He’s leading you on a greater journey than you can yet fathom. Keep following him and you’ll be absolutely astounded by him. The hardest thing you’ll learn in this journey is to give up the illusion of controlling your own life or that you can manipulate God to bless you.”

“That’s what you meant about paying my bills, didn’t you?” “Yes. God will provide for you. He always has, except you don’t know that. The fact that you don’t have insurance or a job to lean on doesn’t mean he will forsake you. The fact that others are destroying your reputation doesn’t mean they’ll have the final say. God is not a fairy godmother who waves the magic wand to make everything the way we want it. You won’t get far if you question his love for you whenever he doesn’t meet your expectations. He’s your Father. He knows far better what you need than you know yourself. He is a far better provider for you and your family than you yet know. He is bringing you into his life and, rather than saving you from these things you are enduring, he has chosen to use them to show you what true freedom and life really are.” “So he likes me to suffer?” “I hope you know better than that. He agonizes right along with you. How can he not? He loves you. He is not doing this to you, he is working through the brokenness of this world to accomplish something greater in you. Once you know that, even the sting of difficult circumstances will be blunted. You’ll find him in the midst of them and watch him accomplish his purpose without your control. This is where his life truly begins to take hold in you.” “I think I’d rather just be happy,” I said with a mock chuckle. It was the first shot at humor I’d taken in the last few days and it felt good. “But happiness is a pretty cheap substitute...

knew he was right in this with you, leading you to the life you’ve begged him for?” I had to think about that for a minute. “Then I certainly wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.” “No, you wouldn’t. And you’d still be able to enjoy his presence while he’s working this out. You’re missing what every writer of the New Testament proclaimed—even though God does not orchestrate our sufferings, he uses them to bring freedom at the deepest core of our being. If you walk with him through it, instead of pushing him away with blame or accusation, you’ll be surprised at what he will do.” “But I still don’t know how I’ll pay this hospital bill.” “But he does, Jake! He’s already working that out. The fact that you can’t see it yet doesn’t alter that reality.” “That would be okay for me if I didn’t have to see my daughter go through all of this. I can’t imagine that he’d make her sick to deal with me.” “And you’d be right about that. Andrea has her own journey with God and he’ll walk her through this as well. You can’t keep her from suffering and her struggle is not something God did to get through to you. But I don’t think you’ll ever see her with asthma again.” “Really? Why would ...

I’m merely helping you see what God might be up to in the circumstances you’re in. He doesn’t need you to pretend. You’ve got some honest questions and deep struggles to sort out here. God’s big enough to handle them. Don’t run from your pain or try to hide it from him. It won’t impress him and it won’t help you. Take your anger to God. He knows how to bring you through this and show you his glory in ways you never dreamed.”

This is a lifetime journey, Jake. Learning to give up your illusion of control and letting God have his way is not easy for any of

us. This isn’t the last lesson.”

“Let me ask you one question, Jake. Is there anything you lack to get through this day?” “I need a job. I need a way to pay this bill.” I motioned at the hospital that surrounded us.

“Or you need the confidence that your Father already knows those things and loves you enough to sort them out with you. You have all that you need today; you just don’t yet have all you need to the end of the month. But that’s still a ways off.”

“That’s all we’re promised, Jake. When you can trust his love in each moment, you’ll really know how to live free.”

“But where do I find that kind of faith?” “You won’t find it. It’s something he creates in you, even in the very circumstances you despise. Just keep coming to him and watch what he will do. He’s the Father who knows you better than you know yourself and even loves you more than you love yourself. Ask him to help you see how much he loves you. That will make all the difference.” Then he motioned toward the door. “I have to go.”

“I’m beginning to get a glimpse of it. I’ve been reading Romans 8 again and again trying to figure out what Paul meant. It seems that Paul drew his confidence in God’s love from what he accomplished on the cross. Because of what he knew about that, he never seemed to doubt God’s love again, no matter how brutal things got for him. I have always seen the cross as a matter of justice, not love, at least from God’s eyes. I know Jesus loved us enough to die for us, but wasn’t it God who put him through all of that? If he would treat his own that way when he was innocent, how does that prove his love for me?” “You’re making a common mistake. Too many people see the cross only as an act of divine justice. To satisfy his need for justice, we reason God imposed the ultimate punishment on his Son, thus satisfying his wrath and allowing us to go unpunished. That may be good news for us, but what does it say about God?” “That’s what’s always troubled me. I understood how

the cross showed me how much Jesus loved me, but it certainly didn’t endear me to God.” “But that’s not how God views the cross, Jake. His wrath wasn’t an expression of the punishment sin deserves, it was the antidote for sin and shame. The purpose of the cross, as Paul wrote of it, was for God to make his Son become sin itself so that he could condemn sin in the likeness of human flesh and purge it from the race. His plan was not just to provide a way to forgive sin but to destroy it so that

we might live...

“How could God put him through all of that?” “Don’t think God was only a distant spectator that day. He was in Christ reconciling the world to himself. This is something they did together. This was not some sacrifice God required in order to be able to love us, but a sacrifice God himself provided for what we needed. He leaped in front of a stampeding horse and pushed us to safety. He was crushed by the weight of our sin so tha...

think I’m only beginning to discover how the church h...

“I don’t think the church leads people astray. Those leading some religious institutions might, but let’s not confuse that with the church as God sees her.”

“Sad? I’d say it’s downright contemptible!” “Is that what you’re feeling from him?” “I wasn’t talking about his contempt—I was talking about mine!” “I am, too, Jake. Other people’s contempt can’t touch you if you’re not playing their game.” “What game are you talking about?” At that moment

“That’s the game, right there! Your worth as a person is tied up in what fifty high school kids do or don’t do out on that field. You’re in the game and that’s why you feel so horrible when people don’t know how to respond to you.” “What are you talking about, John? That’s just a football

game. I’m talking about real flesh-and-blood people here.” “So am I. Tying your worth to fifty people out there or a lie someone tells about you is pretty much the same thing.”

You’re caught in the same approval game. That’s how this culture works. Do what they want and they shower you with affirmation. Cross them and they’ll crucify your reputation, with or without the facts.”

“So even though I’m not there, I’m still playing that game, aren’t I?” “Oh, yes.” John smiled. “It’s a lot easier for you to get out of the system than it is to get the system out of you. You can play it from inside and out. The approval you felt then came from the same source as the shame you feel now. That’s why it hurts so much when you hear the rumors or watch old friends turn away embarrassed. Truth be told, some of those people still really care about you. They just don’t know how to show it now that you no longer play on their team. They’re not bad people, Jake, just brothers and sisters lost in something that is not as godly as they think it is.”

“My daughter Andrea told me that last week at school she overheard two teachers talking. They didn’t know she was on the other side of the bathroom door when they passed by. She heard my name so she stopped to listen. She recognized one voice coming from an elder at City Center who teaches at her school. He told his colleague that I had really harmed the church and that he’d heard I had a drinking problem.” “How did she handle that?” “I asked her what she thought, and her answer surprised me. ‘Well, Dad,’ she said, ‘when you dig a hole for

yourself, I guess you have to throw the di...

Who you are doesn’t change in her mind because of what others say. She’s not playing.”

“They don’t want to see it, Jake. Religious systems prey on people’s insecurity. They haven’t learned how to live in Father’s love, to follow his voice and depend on him. Consequently they can’t do anything that might upset their place in the game, or they’ll feel lost. Do you remember our walk through your Sunday school program a year or so ago? We wire people to their approval needs at a very young age and try to exploit it their whole lives.” “And part of that training includes marginalizing those that don’t go along.” I let out a deep sigh. “I’ve certainly done that to others. I had no idea how it felt from this side.” “Institutionalism breeds task-based friendships. As long as you’re on the same task together, you can be friends. When you’re not, people tend to treat you like damaged goods. Now you know what that’s like from the other side, and one of the big things Jesus is doing in you now is to free you from the game. Then you can live deeply in him rather than worry about what everyone else thinks about you.” “I’ve been tortured by that my whole life.” “And as long as you need other people to understand you and to approve of what you’re doing, you are owned by

anyone willing to lie about you.” “Am I just supposed to take it?” “You’ll learn how best to handle it, but right now just know that your need to convince others how right you are is your need. It’s not God’s. Did you ever notice how little attention Jesus paid to his public relations? Even when people didn’t understand at all and accused him of horrific things, he never rose to his own defense and he never let it deter him from what he knew Father had asked him to do.” “He wouldn’t play the game.” “That’s exactly right, Jake, and he’s helping you to stop playing it, too. As he does, you won’t believe how you’ll be able to help others find the same freedom.” “Well, I’m done with it! I’m not playing the game anymore.” John chuckled again. “How I wish it were that easy. You already knew they were wrong, but it still bothered you. How are you just going to stop? Actually, this is going to be a bit of a process. Even the pain of feeling rejected is part of it. He is using what’s going on around you to help you learn how to care more what Father thinks of you than what anyone else does.”

“That’s why I’m excited about our new house church. We can deal with r...

“Is this that game, too?” “It doesn’t have to be,” John answered, “but it could be,