So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore: An Unexpected Journey

by Wayne Jacobsen

the way you’re going about it.” “What do you mean?” “If this is another place for you to find your identity and to bury your shame by thinking you’ve got a better way to do it than anyone else, then you’re sating the same thirst, just from a different fountain. That’s what I hear when you call it a great ‘move of God.’ You’re still talking like you’re a competitor with other brothers and sisters. You can’t love what you’re competing against, and if you’re keeping score, you can be sure, you’re competing.” “So we shouldn’t do it?” “I didn’t say that, Jake. What I hope you’ll do is simply let God connect you with those brothers and sisters he wants you to walk with for now. Think less about ‘starting’ something than just learning to share your life in God with others on a similar journey. Don’t feed off your need to be more right than others, and then you’ll know more clearly

what he is doing ...

“No one gets away with it, Jake. He’s paying for his failures in ways you can never imagine. Don’t forget sin itself is always its own punishment. It makes him less the man God wants him to be and it destroys others around him, even if they don’t know why. Already people sense his emptiness and his struggle.” “But doesn’t he need to be exposed for what he’s done? I want people to see the truth.” “Can’t they already see it, Jake? After all, he is who he is, not who he pretends to be.” “But it doesn’t look that way. People think he’s this godly man.” “There’s the rub, isn’t it? When you’re not content with reality, you will always worry about the way things appear.”

“He just needs to be seen for what he is.” “Hasn’t that already happened? He’s already betrayed a friendship to protect himself and lied to a congregation to discredit you. Doesn’t arrogance already exude from his life? Why is it worse for you evangelicals when it is sexual?” I’ve got to admit he surprised me there. I thought sexual failure was worse than anything else. After a stunned silence I replied through gritted teeth, “Well, it at least makes it obvious.” “Don’t get angry with me. I didn’t do it.”

“I’m sorry, John, I’m just frustrated at the way you’re responding to this. I thought this would help win people to our side.” “What side is that?” “You know! Those who oppose the false system of organized religion and are committed to following the New Testament model of house churches.” “That doesn’t sound like a side I want to be on. Have you ever heard me talk like that?” I was almost frantic with where John had taken this conversation. “You’re the one who helped me see the failures of organized religion.” “It’s one thing to see through things and quite another to be against them. That’s the game—and I’m not playing. And I’m all for believers learning how to walk together in real fellowship, but we haven’t even begun to talk about how that might happen.” “Doesn’t it always produce this very thing—men like

Jim, pretending to be leaders when they lie and devour others? I’m sick of it, John.” “They are not all frauds, Jake. Not all groups become as destructive as yours. Those who treat leaders as if they have some special anointing are the most susceptible to being deceived by them. It seems people who assume or who are given the most human authority forget how to say no to their own appetites and desires. It is so easy for any of us to end up serving ourselves when we think we’re serving others by keeping an institution functioning. But not all of those who do it end up so broken. Many are real servants who only want to help others, and they’ve been led to believe this is the best way to do it. Always separate the failure of the system from the hearts of the people in it. “Any human system will eventually dehumanize the very people it seeks to serve, and those it dehumanizes the most are those who t...

“Maybe you’re looking for stability in the wrong places, Jake.” I almost hated to ask, “What is that supposed to mean?” “Jake, you’ve learned to measure stability by your circumstances and by your ability to see how things will work out months in advance.”

“And that’s wrong?” “I wouldn’t say it’s wrong. I’d just say it’s not going to help you walk in this kingdom. When we’re looking to the future, we’re not listening to Father. Anything we do to try and guarantee stability on our own terms will actually rob us of the freedom to simply follow him today. We’ll resort to our own wisdom instead of following his. The greatest freedom God can give you is to trust his ability to take care of you each day.” “That’s where it always gets confusing for me, John. I do have enough for today—enough money to take care of our needs, enough fellowship to encourage me onward, and enough grace to endure the rumors of others. It’s when I look further down the road that I get worried. I don’t see how this will work out over time.” “We’ve all been there, Jake, and I certainly understand. But that’s because we can’t see yet what God will do. We can only see what we can do. You think exposing Jim’s affair will fix everything when, in fact, it will fix nothing. People who can’t see his arrogance won’t be convinced of his moral failure. If he has already been unfaithful, he’ll think nothing of lying about it.” “I never thought of it that way. But I hate it that people think he’s so righteous.” “But they only think he is. It’s an illusion, and while illusions can be powerful, they are still illusions.” “But most people live by those illusions.” “Only because they want to, Jake. I don’t want you to. You appear to be the bad guy when you know it isn’t t...

You appear to be on the verge of financial ruin, but you’re not. Never let mere appearances become your reality.” “But I want others to know the truth, John. Why should they get to live in their illusions?” “Believing a lie isn’t something someone gets to do. It’s something they are trapped in. You have some information that may help you know better what is really going on. Let God show you what to do with it. Don’t just assume broadcasting it is what he wants, especially when you’re the one who will benefit most from it.” “But shouldn’t people know?” “If Father wants them to, they will.” “But I’m the only one who knows, except for the two who have every reason to hide it.” “Yes, that’s how it appears, Jake.” “But if we won’t, God can’t, at least that’s what I’ve always been told.” John chuckled in amusement. “And that’s the biggest lie I’ve heard today.” “Really?” “Really! God has so many ways to do what he wants to do.” “But aren’t we part of that, John?” “We’re part of it, but not the biggest part. We only need to do what God puts on o...

because God had ulterior motives, she couldn’t trust what he said. By not trusting him she did what she thought best for herself. But it backfired, didn’t it? It always does, Jake. Our worst moments result from g...

“We are to live on his ability, not our own. Remember what Scripture says about his ability: ‘And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.’ ‘Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us . . . ’ ‘I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him on that day.’ ‘Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.’ And he ‘is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy.’ “That is an awful lot of ability going to waste if we think we have to do those things for ourselves. Our biggest messes come when we try to do something for God that we’re convinced he can’t do for himself.” “Then what do I do, just sit around and wait for God?” “Who said anything about sitting around? Learning to live by trusting Father ...

doing more than you’ve ever done, but it won’t be the frantic activity of a desperate person, it wi...

a loved child. That’s all Fath...

“If it needs commitment, maybe you’re missing something?” “For instance?” I prompted him. “I don’t know. Hunger . . . reality . . . God’s presence, perhaps. It could be a lot of things, but if you don’t sort that out, then anything you do together will not celebrate God’s reality but try to be a substitute for it. And no substitute for God ever suffices. That’s why we obligate people to a meeting rather than equip them to live in him. I’ve found that when people are discover-ing what it means to live in Father, they won’t need commitment to keep them linked. He will be enough to do that.” “But don’t we learn how to trust him through the body?” “Actually, it works the other way around. Trust doesn’t flow out of body life, it flows into it!” “But what if people don’t know how to trust?” “Certainly we can help one another learn to grow in trust, but that growth is the prerequisite for sharing life together, not the fruit of it. Remember when you were back at City Center? How many decisions and policies were made because you were afraid—of people not coming, not growing, not giving money, or falling through the cracks and getting lost?” “Probably ninety percent,” I responded. “Most of our discussions had to do with our concerns that someone would make a mistake—hurting themselves or embarrassing the congregation.” “Then 90 percent of what you did was based on fear rather than trust. And you passed that same insecurity on to

others as a way to keep them involved. You have yet to see what body life can be when people are growing to trust God instead of living in fear.” I had forgotten about my one-thirty appointment until

“So what should we do with children?” Ben asked. “That’s been a big issue around here.” “Did your family get together last Easter?” “Yes. We had a huge bash here with our relatives, probably fifty or more.” “When you planned for that, did anyone ask what you should do with the kids?” “No,” Ben chuckled. “They’re just part of the family.” “Why is it any different in Father’s family?” Ben hesitated, so Marsha jumped in. “Because we’re trying to have a meeting and the children get bored. I think we should provide something for them as well.” “Then maybe I wouldn’t try so hard to have a meeting,” John said, still playing with Jason. “Be a family and let them

be a part just as you do at your family get-togethers. Include them where you can and let them be kids together at times, too, when you’re involved in things they may find less interesting.” “But there’s too many just to turn them loose. It’s hard to get people to go out with them when no one wants to miss the meeting.” “Who said anything about turning them loose? Love them. Include them as significant parts of the family however you can. Let me ask you a question: do you usually eat together?” “We often do. We think it is part of sharing the Lord’s Table.” “Do you have a kid’s table when you do?” I sensed this wasn’t going to be good, but the other folks had no idea how differently John thought. “Of course we do, doesn’t everyone?” “Well, actually no. Eating together is one of the simplest things a family does. If you’re already dividing up by then, you’re missing something extraordinary. Mix it up, and don’t have families sitting together. Sit down with a child that is not your own and get to know what makes him tick. What do they enjoy? How is school going? Or grab some blocks and hit the floor with a two-year-old. “And if you have them with you for singing or sharing, don’t hold your own child on your lap, where you’ll struggle with them to make it look like they’re participating. Get someone else’s child on your lap and make it playful for them. Do you realize the most significant factor in helping

child thrive in the culture is for them to have caring relationships with adults who are not their relatives? The best gift you can give one another’s kids is the same gift you can give one another—the gift of friendship. And if the kids go out to enjoy some time together, don’t send people out to do child care. Think of it as an opportunity for a couple of you to build relationships with a significant part of your group—whether they’re toddlers or teenagers.” “But since they’re not in a Sunday school class, how will they get instruction?” Marsha asked. Before he could answer Laurie leaned across me and opened her arms, offering to take Jason. “Haven’t you had that one long enough?” she asked. With a kiss on Jason’s forehead and a smile, John gave him up to Laurie and then picked up his fork. “How old are your children, Marsha?” “Ten, seven, and three.” “If you have something you want to share with them, do it. But don’t think that is the best way they learn.” At that, he grabbed a fork and held it up. “Do you remember teaching your children to use a fork?” “Not exactly . . . ” “But they all use one, I assume. Did you send...

how to use a fork, but that’s because they learned it in life. As they got old enough you probably put the fork in their hands but held on so they wouldn’t poke their eyes out. You helped them guide it to their mouths, and when you grew confident they wouldn’t hurt themselves, you let them do it on their own. Embracing the life of Jesus is a lot more like learning to use that fork than it is sitting in meetings. Children will learn the truth as you help them learn to live it.” I was surprised when Roary spoke up, since he was one of the quietest men in our group. “I love what you’re saying about the kids. I’ve never thought of them that way. But you’re talking about something bigger than that, aren’t you?” “You’re right, Roary. What I’m saying will also affect how you deal with one another. If you really want to learn how to share Jesus’ life together, it would be easier to think of that less as a meeting you attend and more as a family you love.” “I like that. We’d focus more on our relationships than our activities,” Ben offered. “Exactly,” John answered. “And be more focused on your relationship to God as well. He is the first relationship. Anything valuab...

“Not yet, but we’re working on it.” “Tell me about your life together.” “Well, we meet on Sunday evenings, usually with a meal and communion, then we have some praise time before settling into a study.” “Let me guess,” John said, leaning forward. “When you first get together there is a lot of energy and excitement. But about the time you start the meeting, things get awkward. Even your sharing seems a bit forced and artificial. When you finally end the meeting, the energy and excitement return as people pick up and leave. Is that close?” “Did Jake rat us out, or...

didn’t see the church as a meeting or an institution, but as a family living under Father.” “Are you suggesting we not meet?” Marsha asked, sounding annoyed. “No, Marsha, you’re missing the point. Meeting together isn’t the problem, but it’s easy to get stuck in a way of meeting that is artificial and counterproductive. That’s why it feels awkward to you.” “Yes, but we don’t have a praise team or the same person giving us a lecture every week. Isn’t this more relational?” “It can be. But it can also be a less-controlled replication of the same dynamic. We’re trying to get from our brothers and sisters what we’re not finding in Father himself. That’s a recipe for disaster. Nothing we as believers can ever do together will make up for the lack of our own relationship with God. When we put the church in that place, we make it an idol and others will always end up disappointing us.” “Is that why Jake says you are against house church?” Marvin jumped in again. “I don’t think I’ve ever said that,” John said, turning toward me with a questioning look on his face. “That isn’t how I think. But I did try to get him to think beyond it, as I want you to do.” “We thought house church was a more biblical way to do church. It offers more participation and is less controlled by clergy, less demanding of time and resources, and more relational than institutional church. Isn’t that true?” “Just because it meets in a home?” The skeptical look on John’s face said it all. “That isn’t always tr...

I’ve been with. Many have people in them who try to control the others. Don’t get me wrong—I love the priorities you just outlined and I’m convinced that a home is the best place to live them. But I know people who meet in buildings who are incredibly relational, and some who meet in homes who are not. The location isn’t the issue, but whether you are caught up in religious games or helping one another discover the incredible relationship God wants with us.” “Didn’t the early church only meet in homes, especially as it spread outside Jerusalem?” Ben added. “As far as we know, yes.” “So then that’s the way we should do it,” Marsha chimed in. “Marsha, Marsha, why do you love that word so much?” John asked her with deep tenderness in his voice. “What word?” Marsha acted stunned. “The same word that John hasn’t been using all night,” Roary broke in. He turned to John. “I’ve listened to you carefully and you haven’t used the word ‘should’ one time tonight. Is that intentional?” “Why do you ask?” “I’ve been told all my life what I should and shouldn’t do, especially about religious things. But you haven’t talked in those terms at all. You seem to see this not as choosing between right and wrong but simply living in a reality that already exists. I thought you would tell us how we should do church.” “If there is anything I’d say we should do, it would be to stop ‘should’-ing ourselves, and others.”

“Certainly there are things that are right and things that are wrong. But we’ll only truly know that in Jesus. Remember, he is the TRUTH itself! You will never be able to follow his principles if you’re not following him first.” John’s words hung in the air through an awkward silence. I could see the gears churning in minds all around the table. I knew what they were feeling. Marsha finally spoke, choking a bit through tears. “I think you’re right, John. The reason I follow rules is because I don’t know how to follow Jesus the way you’re talking about. I just try to do what’s right and I’m tired of being attacked by people who say we’re in rebellion if we’re not in one of those blasted buildings on Sunday morning.” John leaned toward Marsha. “I know this isn’t easy. But just because people say something doesn’t make it so. Jesus is teaching you how to live free. Others will find that threatening, as you will yourself at times. The system must devour what it cannot control.” “That’s why we’re against the institution,” said Marvin. “We may be talking about two different things here, Marvin. I want to expose the system of religious obligation in whatever ways it holds people captive, but that’s not the same as being against the institution. Don’t let it threaten you. There are lots of folks in it whom Father loves and he will keep drawing them into his life just as he does with you. As long as you react to it, it is still controlling you.” After a few moments Marvin let out a...

“I don’t know, John. I always thought the institution I left wasn’t working because it had the wrong principles. I thought we were getting the right ones in place so we could finally experience real church life.”

“But you don’t see it that way?” “No, I don’t. If it helps, I think you’re finding better principles—ones that reflect more accurately the life of the early believers. But keep in mind that following principles didn’t produce their life together. We can observe what happened as they followed Jesus, but copying that won’t produce the same reality. “Jesus didn’t leave us with a system; he left us with his Spirit—a guide instead of a map. Principles alone will not satisfy your hunger. That’s why systems always promise a future revival that never comes. They cannot produce community because they are designed to keep people apart.” “Why do you say that?” “Because they keep the focus on services or rituals and principles turn most people into spectators. By holding up standards and motivating people to conform to them, they only encourage people to pretend to be what they are not or to act like they know more than they really do. Questions and doubts are discouraged and people can’t deal with the things they are hiding. Thus their relationships become superficial or even false because they only let people see the shadow they want them to see, not who they really are. Feeling isolated, they only become more focused on their own needs and what others aren’t doing to meet them.

They fight over control of the institution, however large or small, so that they can make others do what they think is best. It is a story that has been repeated for a couple of thousand years.”

“To keep the system working you have to obligate people through commitment or appeal to their ego needs by convincing them this is the last, best, greatest place to belong. That’s why so many groups create false expectations that frustrate people and focus on one another’s needs, or even their gifts, rather than on the ever-present Christ.”

“That’s why your meetings feel stilted. It’s hard to maintain an illusion of body life when you don’t have planned activities that people can follow with little effort. But you do have the chance here to discover real community. That grows where we share our common lot as failed human beings and the journey of being transformed by Jesus working in us. It thrives where people are free to be exactly who they are—no more and no less. As they learn to rely on him, they won’t have to use others to meet their needs but rather find themselves laying down their lives to help others in the same way Jesus did.” “Will that include unbelievers as well? Most house church literature I’ve read almost discourages outreach as a threat to body life,” Roary said enthusiastically. “Amazing, isn’t it? The self-focus priority of building

‘our’ group only demonstrates that we’ve missed the reality of Father’s love. When we discover the power of his love, we can’t keep it to ourselves. Not only will it transform us, it will also seep out quite naturally with believers and nonbelievers alike. We’ll find ourselves reflecting God’s life and character to others around us and we’ll even do it best when we’re least aware of it.” “Well I guess we can cancel our plans to go to that house church conference next month,” Ben said mockingly. “Not necessarily. Just don’t buy all they’re selling. You’ll probably meet some wonderful people there who are spilling out of the system and are just grabbing back at house church as a security blanket. God might want you to know such folks. Just keep in mind the simplest lesson that has been repeated countless times since Jesus was here: the more organization you bring to church life, the less life it will contain.” “It just sounds like we shouldn’t be doing anything, John.” Marsha’s frustration was evident in her tone. “That’s not what I mean. I just want to help you focus your efforts where they will bear the most fruit. Instead of trying to build a house church, learn to love one another and share each other’s journeys. Who is he asking you to walk alongside right now and how can you encourage them? I love it when brothers and sisters choose to be intentional in sharing God’s life together in a particular season. So, yes, experiment with community together. You’ll learn a lot. ...

“The church is God’s people learning to share his life together. It’s Marvin over there and Diane back here. When I asked Ben about your life together, he told me about your meetings but nothing about your relationships. That told me something. Do you even know Roary’s greatest hope or Jake’s current struggle? Those things rarely come out in meetings. They come out in the naturalness of relationships that occur throughout the week.” “But we’re too busy for that,” Marvin’s wife, Jenny, added. “We try to do that when we get together.” I knew what John was going to say before he said it. “And is it working?” “Is what working?” “Are you accomplishing all of that in your meetings?” “Not very well, but we’re trying to learn to do it better.” “And we’re still talking about an ‘it.’ We humans are notorious for taking something Scripture describes as a reality, giving a term to it, and thinking we’ve replicated the reality because we use the term. Paul talked about the church that gathered in various homes, but he never called it ‘house church.’ Houses were just where they ended up in their life together. Jesus was the focus, not the location. As I said, you...

back to a traditional church and make the most of it.” The groans around the room indicated that wasn’t likely. “What I’m trying to get you to consider is that body life is not something you can create. It is a gift that Father gives as people grow in his life. Body life isn’t rocket science. It is the easiest thing in the world when people are walking with him. You get within twenty feet of someone else on that journey and you’ll find fellowship easy and fruitful.” “That’s what we’re looking for. We thought that when we got church right, we’d all have the relationship with God we’re looking for,” Marvin broke in. John continued, “Just consider that you’ve gotten it backward. No church model will produce God’s life in you. It works the other way around. Our life in God, shared together, expresses itself as the church. It is the overflow of his life in us. You can tinker with church principles forever and still miss out on what it means to live deeply in Father’s love and know how to share it with others.” “That’s not how I learned it,” Laurie offered. “How are we going to know how to live in God’s life if someone doesn’t show us?” “That’s where religion has done the most damage....