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February 13 - February 16, 2023
And so it doesn’t matter that I love Christian, which I do,30 because love isn’t enough and it’s not all you need and we are the proof of that.
October 30th. My brother’s birthday.
Me and Jo doing this fucking thing together. Less ‘him one and me two’, more equal partnership, but then again, he is getting pretty cocky these days—
The door swung open and Tiller tensed up behind me. A surgical table, a couple of IV poles, a cabinet of basic medical supplies, a medical equipment stand with the tray ready to go.4 On the other side of the wall, a cabinet of knives, guns and weapons. “Fuck.” Miguel let out a wry laugh. “Old habits die hard, huh Dais?”
Christian because he’s him and he knows me how I’ve always daydreamed someone would truly know me, and now he did, but it didn’t matter anyway because we couldn’t be together either, so I muffled the cry that came from my mouth with my hand and took a few breaths. Then there was a hand on my arm. “You’re shaking,” said my favourite voice in the world.8
I never thought that he’d morph into one of those rare people whose presence undoes you, and not only in a bad way, (but yes in a bad way) but also in the good way, where he makes me feel safe when I’m not safe, and brave when I’m not brave, and okay when I’m not okay, and I wish that yoke would break, I wish I didn’t feel those things as I stared over at him, but I did.
after that night I told my brother about the flowers, I’ve seen Romeo every day since. The last four days I’ve finished work, gone downstairs to the carpark, and he’s just waiting there by the elevator. He doesn’t say anything to me. Doesn’t even look at me, actually. Walks about a metre behind me. He walks me to my car, watches til I drive out of the garage and then he leaves.
“Slut,” I fire back. She shrugs. “Takes one to know one.”
“Have you kidnapped anyone since?” “No.” I’m lying, but. “No, definitely not—” I shake my head, flash her a tight smile. “Yes. Fuck.” “Julian!” “Sorry—” I shove my hands through my hair. “Sorry! I just — it does get it done…” She lowers her chin, glaring at me. “Julian.”
“Ah!” My brother grins, eyes like live-wires. “Daisyface, if you think any of us getting into Heaven is predicated on something we have or have not done, you’ve misunderstood that entire book.” He gives me a look. “Detrimentally so,” he tacks on at the end.
and I think he thinks it’s something he has over me, that he knows I love her. But actually, I don’t give a shit who knows I love her. Or maybe I do because she loves someone else now and I hate looking stupid.
“I really do feel like Beej fucking Paili and then lying about it for three years gives Christian and I a little bit of wriggle room to have nearly had sex one night in a lift in New York.”
“Did you get any good presents?” I ask, trying to keep it feeling light. “Yep.” He nods. “Favourite?” I ask, without turning to him. “My best friend in my kitchen at my mum’s house,” he says without missing a beat.
“You’re not going to ask to be excused?” his dad calls after us. “Why would I?” Christian stops in his tracks. “You didn’t when you excused yourself from our lives.”
Haven’t seen my brother all that much these last two days because he’s been holed up in his room with — kill me please and wait for it — Magnolia fucking Parks.