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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Russ Harris
All too often people stay in a problematic relationship, but instead of actively working to improve it, they worry, stew, ponder, blame, judge, analyze it to death, complain to others, or obsess about it.
Let’s face it: the number of ways in which we can find fault with our partners is almost infinite. So what’s the problem in your relationship?
Most of us have had thoughts at times like, “If only my partner were more like me, things would be so much easier.” And there may be some truth in that. But that’s not reality. The fact is, there are many, many differences between you and your partner.
Second, your attachment style can change over the years, through therapy, coaching, personal growth, or what you learn and experience in later relationships.
And while it’s useful to have some understanding of how your childhood has influenced you, be wary of getting lost in “analysis paralysis”: so busy analyzing your past experiences and figuring out “how you got to be this way” that you don’t do anything practical about changing your behavior.
When problems arise in our relationships, we often respond “inflexibly”: in ineffective ways that make our problems worse or create new ones! There are five patterns of inflexible responding involved, at least to some extent, in almost every relationship issue. We can remember them with the acronym DRAIN:
D—Disconnection R—Reactivity A—Avoidance I—Inside-the-mind N—Neglecting values
Human beings do not like unpleasant feelings. We all try hard to avoid them. This is completely natural, but it can create problems. A wealth of scientific research shows that the more effort we expend on avoiding unpleasant feelings, the worse our life tends to get.
Humans are social animals. We want to be loved, respected, and cared for. We want to get along with others, have a good time with them. When we fight with, reject, or withdraw from the people we love, we don’t feel good. And nor do they. When there’s conflict and tension in any relationship, both parties get hurt.
When I work with couples, in the first session I say: “Obviously you’ve come here to talk about the issues in your relationship and how we can resolve them, but before we get into that, I’d like to know what your relationship was like before the problems started.”
Now take a moment to answer these questions yourself. Ponder them carefully. Better still, go to the free resources page on thehappinesstrap.com, download “ACT with Love: Extra Bits,” and fill in the worksheet for this chapter (or alternatively, write in your journal). And as you do so, notice what thoughts and feelings arise: Can you contact any sense of warmth or appreciation for your partner? When you acknowledge their strengths and positive qualities, do you see them differently? Is it hard to acknowledge their positive attributes because you’re so focused on what’s wrong?
Notice how I prompt Juan to move away from a harsh, negative judgment of her personality—“She’s a nag”—to a nonjudgmental description of her behavior—“So Claire often asks you repeatedly to pick up and clean up?” Nonjudgmental describing is an important skill to develop.
To “notice and name” means you notice your thoughts and feelings with curiosity, and name them in a nonjudgmental manner.
In other words, the less awareness we have of our thoughts and feelings, the less control we have over what we say and do.
When we first use this unusual type of self-talk, it feels a bit odd or uncomfortable. But it’s worth practicing because it usually helps us unhook, at least a little. It’s obviously very different than everyday language, where we say things like, “I’m anxious.” That phrase makes it sound like I am the feeling. But if we say, “I’m noticing anxiety,” or “Here is anxiety,” or “Here is a feeling of anxiety,” we can “step back” a little and see this as an emotion passing through.
If you’re hurting badly, your pain is unlikely to go away as you drop anchor. However, its power will often drain away, so it can’t so easily push you around. And if you keep going for several minutes—usually three or four is enough, but sometimes longer is needed—you’ll often experience a sense of calmness, even when the storm continues to rage.
