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“I never knew you, Chris. Most days, I wish I never even met you.”
“I don’t know how to let you go.”
“The same way you did last time.” The words land between us, a grenade with a pulled pin. “What was it? Ten seconds and a hood tap?”
“Because from the second I found out Eric was gone, all I wanted to do was hold you long enough to absorb your grief. To take every ounce of the pain you’ve been holding and carry it for you. When I boarded that plane, I knew I had no right to want any of those things, to want anything from you, but I want this, princess. I want to be here for you. Will you let me?”
“I missed your scent. I don’t even know how you’re here right now, but I’m so happy that you are.”
I still don’t know how she manages to say ‘fuck around and find out’ without moving anything but one of her eyebrows, but her ability to do so kept all of us from fucking around, because we never, ever wanted to find out.
When the curve of their neck suddenly becomes the only path you want to take. When their lips are your longitude and the unique swirl of color in the center of their irises is your latitude. And every part of you knows that as long as they’re breathing you have a reason to stay alive.
“You heard me, princess. I haven’t slept with Giselle since high school. I haven’t been with anyone since the last time I was with you.”
My heart thuds, and it’s not from the climb. It’s from the way he says ‘us’ like we’re one. A permanent fusion of hearts. An unbreakable tangle of lives and love. How can he say that when he knows we’re not? When he made sure we couldn’t be?
“The first time I kissed you, everything before you ceased to exist. Your taste, your touch, your smell, eradicated it all. You erased me, turned me into a clean slate, a blank page that only you could fill in. There was nothing before you, Mallory, and if I have my way there will be nothing after you. You are the first woman I’ve ever loved. The only one I’ve ever chased.”
“If I run are you going to chase me?” “I’d chase you to the ends of this Earth, Mallory.”
“I know you’re close, Mallory,” Chris says now, even closer. So close, he’s not even projecting. His voice is a low, sinister rumble that tells me he isn’t lying. Or at least he doesn’t want me to think he is. “These woods can’t hide you from me. Everything here smells like dirt and rain, and the air around you smells like flowers and sunshine.”
“Open your eyes, Mal. Look at me while I fuck you.”
“Nothing I do makes sense when it comes to you. You break my heart, and I protect you from my family and friends. My nightmares go from being about the asshole who hurt me to you proposing to your wife, and I still love you. I still spend the days when my grief is the freshest crafting a narrative that will make it easy for you to keep the people I love—the people we both love—in your life because even though you chose to go back to them, I think you deserve better than your sucky ass family.”
“I hate I missed so much time with them, especially Eric. And I really hate that he died not knowing that I love you more than anything, that I would have given anything to be his brother in a real way.”
“Was any of it real?”
“You didn’t make it up or imagine it. I loved you. I still love you.”
“Probably scared him senseless. People do all sorts of irrational things when they see a person they love in danger.” Something shifts behind his eyes, indicating that he’s speaking from experience. “Logic goes out the window when you’re trying to keep the person you love safe.”
It takes me back to the day he told me he loved me. During that conversation, he also said, with earth-shattering absolution, that I was his purpose and my safety was his job.
I stare at the page, shaking my head because there’s no way that’s right. Neither of these dates is correct. The first one is just a day after Teresa was born, and the other is somewhere around the time I graduated high school. The same year my dad started floating the idea of me marrying Giselle.
“I’m not leaving you. Every day of the last six years has been about getting back to you. It’s the only reason I found this information. You’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted, Mallory, and I know you’re angry with me, but I can fix it.”
“Thank you for coming, for being here when I needed you. I think maybe we needed this time together, so we could have some sense of closure, but it’s done, Chris. We’re done.”
“We won’t ever be done, princess. If we’re both here on this Earth, breathing, living, existing, then we are happening. Nothing is ever going to stop me from loving you.”
Small bursts of time together, of belonging to each other, that burn bright and fizzle out while we savor every second of the flame.
“Don’t.” His brows furrow and I fight to keep the tears out of my voice. “Don’t come back. Move on with your life. Let me move on with mine.”
“Wow.” “Wow? Is that all you have to say? You’re not even going to try to deny it?” He blows out a puff of dark amusement, lips curling even further. “I don’t like to waste time with denials, son. Especially when I’m given the opportunity to discuss some of my best work.”
this man is fucking sick !!!!
“You want proof?” I take one hand off the desk, use it to pull my phone out of my pocket, and set it down between us. Reese looks down at it, eyes stretching wide at the sight of the recording app I’ve been utilizing since the night he showed me the tape.
They are two very different situations, but at their core, in the pulsing center filled with blood, sacrifice, and mistakes that can never be undone, is me.
