Revive Me, Part Two: The Affair (New Haven, #3)

by J.L. Seegars

The absence of the one person who connects everyone in this room. I look back at Nic, and I see it in his eyes. Confirmation.

“Truth or dare, princess?” “Truth.” “Do you want to come up to my room with me?” “Yes.”

Only right answer Mal😔

“I don’t know how to do this.” She’s biting her lip, and it’s a fight to keep my eyes on hers. “An affair, I mean. I don’t know how to have an affair.”

Because I love you. Because I’ve only ever loved you.

breath.“I need you to know that I don’t forgive you for what you did. I don’t forgive you for marrying her or breaking my heart, and it doesn’t matter that we’re about to do whatever it is we’re about to do, I won’t ever forgive you.”

“Tell me I can kiss you now, Mallory.”

“Maybe they were cool with rushing because they didn’t have anything in front of them that was worth slowing down for, but I’d stop the world for you. I’d freeze time if it meant I would never run out of opportunities to look at you.”

…. I want him

“Tell me now, or I won’t fuck you at all.”

would have cut this little foray into aftercare short, but Chris is not just some random guy I met at the club. He’s….well, he’s him. The man I consider my first in all the ways that count. First consensual sex partner. First serious boyfriend. First person to truly break my heart.

“Because from the second I found out Eric was gone, all I wanted to do was hold you long enough to absorb your grief. To take every ounce of the pain you’ve been holding and carry it for you. When I boarded that plane, I knew I had no right to want any of those things, to want anything from you, but I want this, princess. I want to be here for you. Will you let me?”

And while I know that some of these tears are for my brother, I’m unsettled by the fact that Chris’ presence in my life is what unlocked them. That the relief I feel at finally having this moment of catharsis is muddied by the confusion of not knowing which tears are for Eric and which ones are for the future Chris threw away.

Then she encouraged me to stop trying to make myself feel, and to instead, wait for the feelings to find me.

“I know, but it would be easier if I was only grieving him.”

“And I wanted you. I needed you. I needed you so badly I wished for you, Chris.”

“Do you know how desperate you have to be to wish for someone who destroyed you, to crave their presence even when you know it’s only going to cause you pain?”

“The first time I kissed you, everything before you ceased to exist. Your taste, your touch, your smell, eradicated it all. You erased me, turned me into a clean slate, a blank page that only you could fill in. There was nothing before you, Mallory, and if I have my way there will be nothing after you. You are the first woman I’ve ever loved. The only one I’ve ever chased.”

“If I run are you going to chase me?” “I’d chase you to the ends of this Earth, Mallory.”

“You taste good, don’t you, baby? Now you know why I want to spend the rest of my life on my knees with my face between your thighs.”

I don’t mind at all. I guess that’s the thing about being shattered more than once in a lifetime. You learn how to be comfortable in devastation, to thrive in it, to look forward to it.

“Open your eyes, Mal. Look at me while I fuck you.”

“Don’t think about it,” Chris whispers, dropping a kiss on my lips. “Stay right here with me.”

“I hate I missed so much time with them, especially Eric. And I really hate that he died not knowing that I love you more than anything, that I would have given anything to be his brother in a real way.”

“Was any of it real?”

“I told him I would give up everything for you, and I meant it, Mallory. I was holding on to you with both hands, clinging to our future with my fucking fingernails, but he was stronger.”

“My mom didn’t die when she had Teresa.”

“I just got some information that says she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in Arizona a day later.” His lips curl into a disgusted smile that’s filled with self-loathing. “She was alive. The hospital’s records indicate she was a patient there until 2006. She was alive, and I didn’t find her. I didn’t look for her.”

“I’m not leaving you. Every day of the last six years has been about getting back to you. It’s the only reason I found this information. You’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted, Mallory, and I know you’re angry with me, but I can fix it.”

“Thank you for coming, for being here when I needed you. I think maybe we needed this time together, so we could have some sense of closure, but it’s done, Chris. We’re done.”

“We won’t ever be done, princess. If we’re both here on this Earth, breathing, living, existing, then we are happening. Nothing is ever going to stop me from loving you.”

“I have to go.” “I know. You always do.”

“I’ll be back, princess. I promise.”

“Don’t come back. Move on with your life. Let me move on with mine.”