Faking Under the Mistletoe
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Read between December 26, 2022 - January 8, 2023
7%
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“All I’m saying is that he has you running around the city getting bagels and doing all of his grunt work while he sits at his desk and… I don’t know… writes passive-aggressive poetry on his secret blog.” “I keep my passive-aggressive poetry in much more private places, Ms. Truong.”
7%
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“You look like a poodle that stuck its tongue into an electrical socket.” “How descriptive.” “I’m a passive-aggressive poet.” “And you didn’t even know it.”
7%
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“More cookies for us,” I say. “I’m glad you came, but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s not for the epic hot chocolate and Snapchat filters.” “I’m here because my father insisted the company be represented by someone who doesn’t look and act like a deranged elf.”
14%
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“Do you have very specific tastes in decorative pillows?” “Just that you specifically don’t buy them.” I’m sure he’ll change his mind when they’re delivered on Tuesday.
Amanda Berrey
Lol
15%
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They have sleigh rides and fake snow and carolers.”
28%
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“I’m Olivia,” I scream into the microphone. “I can’t feel my toes. Jellybeans are disgusting. I don’t understand statistics. And I’m gonna sing you a song!”
Amanda Berrey
Lol but also I love jelly beans
28%
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“Olivia?” There’s a knock on the door and then it opens. “O?”
Amanda Berrey
I think that’s the first time he has called her that
28%
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“Can you take my shoes off first?” I ask. “Looking at them makes me sad.” “We don’t want that,” he says and takes each boot off. “Am I trashing them?”
Amanda Berrey
This must be where I start liking Asher as a person because he’s being more of a friend to her right now than even her best friend is. It’s sad that Bree would watch her friend slink off like that and not go check on her. She should be there for Olivia
29%
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“Where are you going?” she asks. “The guys are getting us a car to their place.” “She can barely stand up, Bree,” Asher says. “She’s not going anywhere with them.” “You’re her boss, not her boyfriend, Asher.” “And you’re supposed to be her friend,” he says. “And the fact that you would put her in a situation like that when she’s not in the right state of mind just goes to show what a shitty friend you actually are.” “Please,” she scoffs. “She was looking for someone to go home with.”
Amanda Berrey
Bree is honestly a terrible friend. She’s putting Olivia in a very dangerous situation. I completely agree with Asher
29%
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“Why do you have three locks?” “Because not everyone has an around-the-clock security officer in their building.”
Amanda Berrey
Lol me
29%
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My apartment is a mess. I would be more embarrassed if I could stand up straight. I might even try to hide the bras that are drying on my dish rack.
Amanda Berrey
On her dish rack
30%
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“Joey.” I’m trying very hard not to laugh. “He’s not. It’s Asher. You know Asher. He’s a… he’s a good person. Not always nice and he doesn’t smile a lot but, y’know, still cute. Like a grumpy cat.” I don’t think she believes me, so she hits him again. “Stop.” “Leave.”
Amanda Berrey
Joey is a good friend
30%
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“Here.” He tosses a bagel at me, which would have been a sweet gesture if he didn’t, y’know, throw it at me. “I certainly hope this is bacon, egg, and cheese on an untoasted everything.” It is a bacon, egg, and cheese on an untoasted everything. “How did you know?” I ask. “There are always two bagels in the bag,” he says. “I assume the other atrocity is yours.”
30%
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“You didn’t have to do what you did for me last night. I hope you know how much I appreciate it.”
Amanda Berrey
Not related to this line I just wanted to say that I think this will be the day when Olivia begins to have feelings for Asher
30%
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His worst offense? Not the raging control issues or how he rolls through stop signs or the soft rock he insists on listening to. Asher McGowan is a serial hummer.
Amanda Berrey
Lol oh no I hate humming I would much rather someone just sing along
31%
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I’m dipping gingerbread cookies into peppermint hot chocolate and living my best life on a couch that overlooks sandy white beaches.
35%
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He might boss me around the office, but I have all the power here.
35%
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“Where are you two off to in such a hurry?” Levi is standing by the door with a girl who barely looks old enough to drive. “More networking?” “I really don’t think it’s any of your business,” Asher says as he pulls open the door, a blast of cool air chilling me. “We’re not too different, are we, Ash?” “Levi, we’re not even in the same realm.” Levi chuckles softly and brushes his thumb over his lower lip. His eyes catch mine and I’m left with an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Be careful with this one, Livi. He’s always up to no good.”
Amanda Berrey
I will say I can see where Levi would get that idea because Asher is technically a power figure to Olivia and to Levi it probably looks like he’s using that to his advantage. I also wonder if Asher and Olivia could lose their jobs over this. It seems risky
35%
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“On the off chance this sounds like I care,” Asher says when we’re outside and the wind is blowing soft flurries around us. “I would like to preface it by saying I don’t.” “Wow, I can’t wait to see where this is going.”
Amanda Berrey
Lol
35%
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“If you ever find yourself alone with Levi, please call me.” “Why?” “I just need you to trust me.” “I’m going to need more of an explanation than that,” I tell him. “Especially when you’ve told me never to call you unless we’re under nuclear attack.” “Olivia.” “Asher.”
Amanda Berrey
So he never clarified
35%
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“I can’t believe this is my life right now,” Asher says. “A romantic sleigh ride with me? Your hot as hell fake girlfriend? You must have been a really good boy this year.” “Do you think if I throw myself in front of the horse, it will trample me?”
36%
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“Because I feel like I don’t know you.” “You know my credit card number very well.” “I do.” I smile. “And I think you’re going to love the heated throw blanket you’ll be receiving this week.”
36%
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“But when she did get off shift, the only places that were open were a Thai restaurant and a Dunkin Donuts, so we would sit on the couch with Tom Yum soup and green curry and then gorge ourselves with donuts. Glazed and strawberry frosted because those were my favorite. And we’d watch those old claymation movies until we fell asleep on the couch.” “You do that every year?”
Amanda Berrey
He’s going to surprise her with doughnuts
38%
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“I don’t trust people who wear pants to bed,” I tell him as I climb in next to him. “And you must agree on some level because you’re not wearing any either.” “You’re deranged.”
Amanda Berrey
I completely understand
39%
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“Oh, Ash loves pilates,” Francesca says. “He can teach you a thing or two.”
Amanda Berrey
That’s surprising
39%
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“Liv, he was acting like a possessive boyfriend. She’s not going anywhere with them. Like? Who the fuck are you?” “I was really drunk.” “We all were.”
Amanda Berrey
I don’t like Bree
39%
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“Yeah, I took an Uber. I wasn’t about to have a threesome with Thing One and Two,” she huffs. “Asher ruined everything.” “I’m glad he did,” I say. “He shouldn’t be painted as the bad guy because he took me home when I was too drunk to take care of myself.”
Amanda Berrey
Bree is a terrible friend
40%
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But with a whole party of people talking about all the kissing we did, I highly doubt there will be anymore boob touching. Which is a shame because I have really great boobs and Asher has very nice hands. I think about them on the short walk to his office.
40%
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“That’s a very professional way to address a woman whose right breast you’re personally acquainted with.” “Olivia.” “Yes, Mr. McGowan?” “Are you done playing games?” “Never.”
42%
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“There’s no card,” I say. “I hope you’re not offended. I couldn’t find one I liked.” “Was there no fake boyfriend section?” “Ex-husband. Second grade teacher. Gynecologist. But no fake boyfriend.” “How unfortunate.”
42%
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“Happy Birthday, Asher.” I spring up onto the tips of my toes with every intention of kissing his cheek, but he turns his head just enough for me to catch the corner of his lips. There’s a certain shyness that lingers over us that’s never there when we’re putting on a show. It’s an unintentional realization. We don’t have to pretend in the privacy of his home.
Amanda Berrey
I find it weird that neither one of them said anything about the kiss
42%
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“You think I’m going to share my cake with you?” “I think you’re going to feed me cake while I lay on your couch.” “What sort of fantasy land are you living in, Ms. Langley?” “One where you also give me a foot massage, Mr. McGowan.”
43%
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“C’mon, Ash.” I sit up as he sits down, the box of cake nestled on his lap. “Cozied up on the couch. Snuggled under blankets. Snow falling outside. Christmas movies. Cake. We’re living a Lifetime special.” He takes a bite of cake. “When do I get accused of murdering you? Because I won’t even try to deny it. I’ll walk into the courtroom and say you’re welcome.”
44%
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“Ash? Do you have any of that expensive chocolate you keep in your desk?” “How do you know I keep expensive chocolate in my desk?” “Urban legend.”
44%
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“Stay.” He says it quietly and without hesitation.
46%
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I know what you’re thinking! Olivia, we really wanted to hear you sing your new hit Christmas single that’s destined to top all the charts and become a holiday classic! And I’m here to tell you that there’s an audio attachment for your listening pleasure. I know, I know. I’m far too kind. Please shower me with compliments and Sephora gift cards.
47%
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Asher has heated flooring,
Amanda Berrey
Insane
49%
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I swan dive onto the couch, and burrow myself into the pillows and blankets. I’m never leaving this spot. Ever. Asher just got himself a very hot roommate. We’re everyone’s favorite trope.
49%
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“Why’s the door locked? I can’t get in. I can always get in.”
Amanda Berrey
So cute
49%
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“You get to watch me while Mommy tells someone off in court,” Chloe announces before she sees me. “Why is Olivia here? Why is she in your clothes?” A blush that matches Asher’s warms my cheeks. “Why is Olivia in your clothes, Ash?” Morgan asks.
Amanda Berrey
Lol
50%
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Their dynamic is something out of this world. If I could freeze this moment and replay it forever, I would. Even when Chloe gets under his skin, Asher looks at her like she’s the only thing he’s ever loved.
50%
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“Are you in love?” My eyes nearly fall out of my head. “No, I’m not in love.” At least I don’t think so. I feel something. Definitely stronger than like. Lust? No. That makes it seem like what I feel is only physical when it’s not. “Well, you should be,” Chloe says. “Uncle Asher makes the best ice cream sundaes. You’re missing out.” “Well, when you bring ice cream sundaes into the equation…”
Amanda Berrey
So cute
50%
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“Can Olivia come to my Christmas recital?”
Amanda Berrey
Chloe likes Olivia and in my opinion she’s probably the most important person in Asher’s family to win over
50%
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“I’ll have to sweet talk my boss into giving me the morning off.” “Isn’t Uncle Asher your boss?” Chloe giggles. I nod. “He’s a very hard man to persuade.” “I think you can do it,” she says. “Especially if you do the thing.” The thing. The secret to make him laugh. “What thing?” Asher asks. “I’m sworn to secrecy,” I tell him. His eyes shift between the both of us. “You two are trouble.” To prove his point, Chloe reaches over and grabs the pirouette out of his mug of hot chocolate.
52%
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There’s only one remedy for a quiet office: Mariah Carey and her Grammy Award-winning background singer, Olivia Langley.
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“I have a date,” I tease. “With who?” He doesn’t sound vaguely jealous. “Betsy,” I say. “I’ve been neglecting her.” He groans. “She can come too.” “I don’t think you’re ready to be formally introduced.”
Amanda Berrey
Lol
53%
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“How appropriate is this?” I ask him, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. “About as appropriate as you prancing around my apartment in my t-shirt and your underwear,” he laughs. “Speaking of which… you ran out so fast you left them there.” “Keep them,” I say. “I’m sure they’ll look good on you.”
Amanda Berrey
Lol
53%
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We hear the knock, but the door opens before we can pull ourselves off of each other. Bree looks like she won the lottery.
Amanda Berrey
I don’t trust Bree. She will tell everyone
54%
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“You’re sleeping with your boss, just like half of the other people in this city. You’re not special, Liv.”
Amanda Berrey
What a disgusting thing to say to your friend
54%
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“It’s not—” “Like that? He’s different? He’s not. He’s going to fuck you and he’s going to make you promises and then he’s going to move on to the next girl. It’s a cycle, Olivia.” “One you seem to be very familiar with,” I say. “You do spend an awful lot of time in River’s office.” She doesn’t say anything.
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