There Is Also a Dog

by Kayley Loring

I finally take a bite of the cookie, and sweet baby mouthgasm—it’s like French kissing a sexy chocolate snowman that bites your lip and sucks on your tongue and then says “I love you” while fingerbanging you under a quilt.

Maybe she doesn’t think I choked. Maybe she really does think I’m a total stud who’s too busy fending off texts from other horny women to reply to her saucy message right away. I can further convince her that I’m a stud by delivering her a fresh batch of homemade cookies. She already knows I bake peppermint bark cookies that are so perfectly crisp and chewy they’ll knock her on her ass, spank that ass until it’s candy cane-pink and refreshingly tingly, and then massage those cheeks until she begs Santa to treat her like a naughty, naughty girl again.

My gingerbread men are sensitive alpha male baked boyfriends who’ll ask her how her day was, calmly listen to her throw shade at that b-face her ex married on Christmas Eve, bring her a mug of hot apple-cinnamon cider, and then fuck her eight different ways ‘til Taco Tuesday.

He leans down and whispers in my ear, feigning an Italian accent, “Are you lost, baby girl?” Merry Christmas to me, and to me, a good night.