There Is Also a Dog

by Kayley Loring

To every dog I’ve ever fallen in love with at first sight… Just because you live with some other human, that doesn’t mean we aren’t soulmates.

I finally take a bite of the cookie, and sweet baby mouthgasm—it’s like French kissing a sexy chocolate snowman that bites your lip and sucks on your tongue and then says “I love you” while fingerbanging you under a quilt.

My sex positions to-do list is right there on the table next to where he’s sitting. I think the last one I scribbled on there was All of the ones in that Polish movie on Netflix with the hot Italian guy who said, “Are you lost, baby girl?”

Not a 365 Days reference!

“I’m really grateful you were able to bring over your hardware tonight.” I find myself saying in what is supposed to be a breathy voice, but it sounds like I have asthma. “No problem.”

Oh God. He’s giving me a tiny TED Talk. One that has absolutely nothing to do with panties. “But the term is confusing to most people.” “It certainly is.” He plows right on past my comment instead of plowing me.

He finally removes his coat and hangs it on the coat rack by the door. He removes his glasses, folds and carefully places them on the coffee table in the sitting area by the entrance, and pushes up his sleeves. “So is there a deadline for you to complete that sex position to-do list, or is it more of a lifetime bucket list?”

He leans down and whispers in my ear, feigning an Italian accent, “Are you lost, baby girl?” Merry Christmas to me, and to me, a good night.

LMAO

The eyes may be the windows to the soul, but it’s a lot easier to talk dirty when you aren’t looking directly into them.

When we are finally exhausted in bed, with Agnes sprawled out by our feet, she turns to face me and says, “I thought I’d be screwed if I didn’t get internet. But I got screwed because there was no internet. It’s a Christmas sex miracle.”