There Is Also a Dog

by Kayley Loring

but why shouldn’t people spend time with family and give gifts to celebrate whatever and tip the building staff and have string lights all over their homes all year long?

I agree

I finally take a bite of the cookie, and sweet baby mouthgasm—it’s like French kissing a sexy chocolate snowman that bites your lip and sucks on your tongue and then says “I love you” while fingerbanging you under a quilt.

But it’s Christmas, and I’m not lonely. I just want to spend my favorite holiday with a human who isn’t related to me by blood. Preferably someone I can Christmas Netflix and Chill with.

She already knows I bake peppermint bark cookies that are so perfectly crisp and chewy they’ll knock her on her ass, spank that ass until it’s candy cane-pink and refreshingly tingly, and then massage those cheeks until she begs Santa to treat her like a naughty, naughty girl again.

My gingerbread men are sensitive alpha male baked boyfriends who’ll ask her how her day was, calmly listen to her throw shade at that b-face her ex married on Christmas Eve, bring her a mug of hot apple-cinnamon cider, and then fuck her eight different ways ‘til Taco Tuesday.

I’m a naughty girl who doesn’t like Christmas, and I am ready for my spanking, sir.

“So is there a deadline for you to complete that sex position to-do list, or is it more of a lifetime bucket list?”

“By the time I’m able to safely drive away from here, you’ll be crossing off three to five of those positions. I have already decided on two of them. The rest are up to you. Choose wisely.”

He leans down and whispers in my ear, feigning an Italian accent, “Are you lost, baby girl?” Merry Christmas to me, and to me, a good night.

I am ten times smarter now than I was an hour ago when I thought it was a good idea to take things slow just because I like this woman. What an idiot that guy was. This right here is exactly what the eye doctor ordered.

“I thought I’d be screwed if I didn’t get internet. But I got screwed because there was no internet. It’s a Christmas sex miracle.”