ILYBSM: I Love You Both So Much

by J.E. Birk

3way group chat Seven years ago Jeb Hi! I’m Jeb Stock, your new roommate. It was great meeting you both at the college orientation this week. I figured I’d start a group chat for us. Embry It was great meeting you too. Can’t wait for us to start that tabletop group we talked about. Hey, why did you call this group chat 3way? Jeb Because there’s three of us and we live in Way Dormitory Embry [gif of person shrugging and nodding] Adam I can’t wait to move into our dorm next weekend! Jeb, do you know what 3way means? Jeb A friendship between three people, right? Hope you don’t mind. I figured we spent enough time together now that you’d be cool with me calling us all friends. Embry You were serious about being from a farm in the middle of nowhere, weren’t you? Jeb Of course! I’m out working with the Clydesdales right now. Adam That’s great, Jeb. Thanks for setting this chat up. Hey, let’s never tell anyone about the name of this group, okay? Embry Excellent, great idea. Jeb Okay!

“And what are you actually suggesting? That I let my two best friends show up at my farm and force them to talk to each other for the first time since our college graduation?” “Exactly!” She beams. “It’s the plot of The Parent Trap!” “That movie with Lindsay Lohan?” “Wrong. That movie with Hayley Mills.

I haven’t seen The Parent Trap in a very long time, and I’m not sure who Hayley Mills is,

3way group chat Three years ago Jeb Where are you two? We were supposed to meet for breakfast. Are you standing me up the day after our graduation? Jeb I feel like I’ve been jilted at the altar. I’m surrounded by all you can eat pancakes and the waitress keeps looking at me like I have a tapeworm. Adam Sorry, Jebby. I can’t make it. Jeb What? We planned this breakfast weeks ago. I even made a reservation! Jeb Also maybe you’re not supposed to make reservations at an all you can eat place? The hostess gave me a weird look when I came in. So basically my morning is all weird looks all the time. Embry Sorry J I can’t make it either Jeb You really are standing me up? Do you know how many pancakes are in front of me right now? Jeb [picture of table covered in pancakes] Jeb [gif of person drowning under a pile of pancakes and syrup] Jeb Stop whatever you’re doing and get your asses down here right now. You have to tell me about that party you both went to last night without me. Adam Boring Adam Just a standard house party Embry Yeah Embry Boring Embry Sorry, Jeb, I’m not going to make it to the restaurant. Embry has left the chat. Adam I’ll talk to you later, okay, Jebby? I promise I’ll see you soon. Adam has left the chat.

3way group chat Five years ago Adam Why is this place so cold? Jeb Our dorm? And why are we texting right now? We’re all in the same room. Adam You both looked busy. I didn’t want to interrupt. Embry So you started texting us? Adam You didn’t have to answer. Adam And I meant Vermont. Why is Vermont always so fucking cold? Embry Did you even know where this college was when you picked it? Adam Of course I did. But I visited the campus in the summer. No one told me it turned into the North Pole here in October. Jeb Let me finish this accounting homework and then the three of us can curl up on the couch and watch that movie you wanted to see. We’ll use all the blankets. Adam Okay. I love when we use all the blankets. Embry Fine but you’re not suckering me into a foot rub Adam [gif of wiggling eyebrows] Embry NO IT’S NOT HAPPENING Adam PLLEEEEAAAASSSEEEEE you give the best ones Embry Okay fine. But only for five minutes. Adam [gif of a team shouting VICTORY! together]

3way group chat Six years ago Adam Jeb, where are you? Thought you were meeting us at the student union. Jeb I overslept. Fuck. Embry You never oversleep. Adam I usually have to throw things at you to get you to stop chattering at us at five in the morning. Embry It’s like your body’s perpetually on farm time. Jeb Ugh, I think I’m sick. Adam [gif of someone screaming NOOOOOO] Jeb Yeah. I’m all stuffed up. Embry Fuck. Okay, don’t worry. We’ve got this covered. Adam Absolutely. Embry’s going for cold medicine and I’m going to the caf to get soup and other sick food. We’ll be there in thirty minutes. Jeb Don’t you both have class this morning? Adam So we’ll be a little late. Embry You come first, Jeb. Always. Adam 3way forever! Adam FUCK, I can’t believe I just said that. Adam DON’T TELL ANYONE Jeb Why are you two always so weird about our group chat name?

3way group chat Six years ago Embry Adam, stop jerking off. I can hear you all the way across the room Adam I’m not jerking off Jeb For once Adam I can’t sleep Jeb Awww that sucks sorry Embry Maybe you SHOULD jerk off then Adam Maybe LOL Adam Not really in the mood, though Embry What’s wrong? Adam IDK. My mind won’t stop racing. Classes, all these clubs I’m leading. Jeb You do way too much, Adam. Adam I’ve gotta keep up my scholarship. Jeb Me too, but you don’t see me trying to run the college Adam Nah, you just take care of every stray animal on campus Jeb It was only that three-legged dog Embry And the mangy cat Adam Wasn’t there a possum? Jeb We were talking about Adam. Hey, you fell asleep on the couch no problem last night. What was different? Adam IDK. The two of you were lying there with me and I was all relaxed and my brain wasn’t going a million miles an hour. Jeb Got it. So let’s just push our beds together. Embry Oh, that’s a great idea. Adam Are you being serious? Jeb You said the three of us being close helped you relax last night. Let’s try it. Plus, Embry is always complaining that his bed is too small Embry It’s true. No room to sprawl Adam Well, we can try it then. For Embry’s sake. Embry Sure. For my sake.

3way group chat Seven years ago Jeb Are we meeting at the caf for dinner? Embry Can’t I have a date Jeb Ooohhh is it Marla from poli sci? Embry Jebby, Marla’s into YOU Jeb WHAT Embry Why do you think she keeps bringing you brownies? Jeb So I’d say nice things about her to you Embry Adam, please explain crushes to Jeb Adam Nobody has that kind of time

3way group chat Five years ago Embry [photo] Embry Shit, sorry. Sent that pic to the wrong chat. Adam EMBRY FUCKING MATTHEWS Adam IS THAT AN ACTUAL SIX PACK Embry You know I go to the gym Adam So do I! I don’t look like a fucking porn ad! Embry I’m gonna choose to take that as a compliment. Adam [gif of girl nodding] Adam Jeb, where are you? We haven’t heard from you in like hours. Jeb Oh sorry just been busy. Adam Is that code for jerking off? Embry You’ve been holed up in our dorm room for hours. You sure you don’t have a girl up there or something? Adam Jebby? Why aren’t you answering us Adam Fuck jebby do you actually have a girl up there? Jeb No girl! Nothing’s going on! No one’s here with me. I’m trying to study that’s all Jeb Jeez back off Adam Okay, sorry! Didn’t mean to bug you. But did you see Embry’s abs? I named them. Embry OMG can we not do this Adam Sorry, we’re doing it. So far they’re Mona, Lisa, Carlotta, James… Jeb I don’t know what the two of you are talking about I didn’t see any picture Adam Seriously? How’d you miss it? Embry CLAIMS he accidental-chatted us a kinda-nude. I totally think he did it on purpose though. Jeb What? Why? Why would he do that? Adam Jebby, I was kidding. Are you okay? You seem kind of wound up today. Embry Yeah, sorry if I made you upset or something with that pic. It really was an accident. Jeb You didn’t make me upset! Nothing made me upset! Jeb It’s fine I’m fine everything’s fine Adam Yeah, I’m totally convinced Adam But so...

3way group chat Six years ago Embry Hey I fixed the radiator in our room Jeb Didn’t we call the maintenance dept about that weeks ago? Embry Yeah but they weren’t doing it and adam is always cold Adam Awwww bae!!!! Jeb Bae? Embry Still scared to look things up online, huh, bud? Adam E, you know J is too pure for the unfiltered internet. Jeb Search results are such a dark place sometimes! Adam It’s okay, jebby. It just means E did a good thing Jeb Yeah, he did! Thanks bae! Adam [gif of man laughing with hand over mouth] Adam [gif of hearts] Embry No big deal I had the tools in my trunk Jeb Ha, OK, that one I get!

3way group chat Six years ago Jeb Man I love this movie. Chris is the best in this. Embry WE ARE NEXT TO YOU ON THE COUCH JEB Embry I’ve talked to you both about texting when we’re all in the same room Jeb But I don’t wanna talk while Chris is talking. Adam Which Chris? Embry Obvs Pratt he’s the bomb. So fucking funny. Adam ABSOLUTELY NOT EVANS IS CAPTAIN AMERICA Jeb But Hemsworth is Thor? He’s got a hammer Adam Yeah, but America has that ass Jeb Okay fair but have you seen Thor’s abs Embry Sure but objectively or whatever, pratt’s got the best body overall. Jeb I guess. Jeb PLUS obviously scarlett is the hottest part of the movie Embry Sure of course Adam [gif of person nodding] Jeb Yeah Jeb No but seriously Hemsworth IS the best Chris Adam [gif of person hitting a WRONG buzzer]

3way group chat Three years ago Jeb OMG guess what Embry Adam finally bought a new winter coat Adam UGH they’re so puffy. They make me feel all bloated Embry You nearly got hypothermia this week Adam Gross exaggeration of events Embry YOUR LIPS WERE BLUE Embry OK, Jeb, what’s your news? Jeb My parents decided they’re going to retire in the next few years. I’m going to take over the farm!!! Embry Jebby, that’s great! Your dream come true Adam [gif of people dancing in the streets] Adam But wait Adam Aren’t farmers busy like ALL THE TIME Jeb Pretty much. Animals and trees don’t really take time off Adam Sooo… I kind of have a job interview next week. I have to fly out the day after graduation, actually Embry Holy shit! Wow! Where? Adam San Diego Embry Oh wow Jeb Yeah wow Adam I’m excited! But you probably won’t be able to visit much if I get it, huh, jeb? Jeb Probably not. Maybe you can visit me? Embry I can come at the same time adam does Embry So we can all be together or whatever Adam That would be excellent. Have you heard back from that auto shop yet, embry? Adam EMBRRYYYYYY Adam [gif of man screaming from the top of a mountain] Embry Sorry I was out buying you a new coat Embry [pic of Embry holding up a large, red, puffy coat] Adam Ewwwww Embry I could return it and get you a nice pair of coveralls instead ;) Adam Wait, you actually bought it? Adam At least it’s my color? thanks E. That was nice of you. Embry I’ll hold onto it for you until your first visit. :)

I

3way group chat Six years ago Embry Ugh my parents are upset about my grades again Adam What happened? Embry I’m failing creative writing Jeb I thought that was impossible? Adam How do you fail creative writing? Embry I can’t write poetry. Adam Of course you can! There once was a dude named Bic Jeb Who decided to… Embry NEVER MIND I’LL GO TO TUTORING JUST STOP TEXTING ME IN LIMERICKS Adam Okay but I’m gonna stay up at night wondering where Jeb was going with that

3way group chat Five years ago Jeb How do you know if you’re a good kisser? Adam [gif of someone yelling EXCUSE ME?] Jeb I think Azalea thinks I’m a bad kisser Embry I think Azalea needs to talk to her parents about that super unfortunate name choice Jeb Huh? All the kids in her family are named after flowers Jeb Her sister is named Zinnia Embry Guess it could be worse then Adam There’s no way you’re a bad kisser jeb Jeb How do you know Adam I’ve taught you a proper lip balm moisturizer routine. Embry, on the other hand… Embry My lips are plenty moisturized Adam Nah you looked chapped at breakfast this morning Adam Jeb, I can tell, is following his exfoliation procedure properly Jeb Thanks for noticing!! Embry I’m supposed to exfoliate my fucking lips? Jeb Didn’t you pay any attention to A’s tutorial? Or the videos he emailed? Adam THANK GOODNESS AT LEAST ONE OF YOU LISTENS TO ME

I know we’re going to regret this. But right now, all I can think is that if it took an accidental text, a fire, and a power outage to get us here, then thank fuck for that series of unfortunate events.

3way group chat Six years ago Adam How’s everyone’s Christmas break going Embry My parents are lecturing me again Embry I swear if they ask me why I can’t be more like you two one more time I am going to lose it Embry Why’d I have to get roommates who my parents love more than me Jeb Oh tell them I said hi!!! But they don’t love us more than you, E. No way!! Adam Yeah no way. They just like that we don’t FAIL CREATIVE WRITING Embry FFS I pulled off the D!!! Adam That’s what she said Jeb Huh? Embry Never mind, jeb. Have fun with your trees. And your horses. Jeb I am!!! We’re talking breeds for next year! Adam Annnd that’s what she said too

3way group chat Six years ago Embry Adam, are you having some sort of mental health crisis? Jeb E, you’re not supposed to ask it that way. You said you’d be sensitive Embry That was highly sensitive. Like incredibly sensitive Jeb Asking someone if they’re having a mental health crisis is not highly sensitive Embry Well, how else am I supposed to know? And why aren’t you doing this? You’re the sensitive one. Adam Somebody want to tell me what’s going on here? Jeb Adam we’re worried about you. You’ve been playing P!nk over and over again on repeat every night. Embry Yeah and not even her good stuff. You okay dude? Adam Idk just a little sad. I was talking to my mom and we don’t have the $ for me to go home for thanksgiving this year Embry Awww adam I’m sorry Jeb Yeah :( but you should come to my house!!! Adam I don’t want to impose. What about your parents? Jeb Are you kidding? It’s a huge weekend for us. Lots of tree shoppers. They’ll make you pass out hot chocolate and say the more the merrier. Embry, you should come too! Adam Yeah, okay, maybe. Thanks for asking. And thanks for noticing I’ve been kind of off. People don’t usually notice that stuff with me. Embry Mental note that p!nk=adam needs a hug. Jeb No problem. I give really good hugs. Embry HEY MINE ARE GOOD TOO Adam Your hyper competitive nature fascinates me, E

“Do you need some help?” he asks. “Making you do the whole dinner by yourself wasn’t fair. I’m not saying I can sous vide a pumpkin pie or anything, but I’ve chopped some vegetables and grated some cheese in my time.”

“First of all,” I tell him, carefully crimping the foil back down around the turkey before closing the oven door, “‘sous vide’ definitely doesn’t mean what you think it means. Second, you’re not making me do anything. I offered. Also,” I add, holding up a sheet of paper covered in Adam’s precise, architectural handwriting. “I’m not doing it by myself. I have this.” Adam may not know how to cook, but when I was stressing about how to complete several dishes at once while also helping with farm chores, Adam created a schedule with the exact times I needed to be doing each task in the kitchen to get everything done.

Jeb grins and props his hip against the counter. “That’s true. You know…” He leans toward me and lowers his voice conspiratorially. “I think Adam is secretly a su...

“Isn’t it great?” Jeb carefully goes around the table with a lighter and gets a few huge pillar-style candles burning. “He’s a superhero. I mean, a supervillain using his powers for good.” “Excuse me, what?” Adam demands, as I nod emphatically. I laugh and let go of his hand to grab his waist instead and pull him close. “We’ll explain later, promise.”

3way group chat Six years ago Jeb Okay so I have a problem with azalea Embry She wants to name your future children Horehound and Yucca? Jeb I kind of like the name yucca Adam Of course you do. What’s the problem, jebby? Jeb She wants to have sex Embry Okay Adam So what’s the problem? Jeb Ugh. This is embarrassing Embry J, are you a virgin? Jeb Like not all the way? But yeah kind of? Embry Cool. Nothing to be weird about. I am too. Jeb WHAT Jeb You’re like every human’s dream Adam [gif of someone nodding in agreement] Embry Never met someone I wanted that with. Not yet, anyway. Adam Ummm me neither actually Jeb Oh wow. Jeb Did not have this conversation on my bingo card today Jeb I just don’t think I’m ready Adam J, you know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. Embry Yeah jebby. If Azalea doesn’t understand, then she doesn’t deserve you Jeb Thanks. You two are the best. Jeb Now I just gotta tell her. She might be pissed. Embry Bring her some plant food when you drop the news, maybe?

3way group chat Three years ago Adam Jeb I can’t believe you’re about to own an entire farm Embry WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS Embry STOP TEXTING PPL IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU Adam STOP SHOUTING Adam You both look really busy Jeb I’m not that busy. Just going over books for the farm. Jeb I think I’m going to get a goat. I always wanted a goat. Embry Okay? Like why? People just decide they want goats? Jeb Of course. How else would people end up with them Adam Sound logic Jeb I’m kind of nervous tbh Adam Why? You’ve been working for your parents forever Jeb Yeah but they’ll retire soon, and they want to travel all over the world and live where it’s warm. Then I’ll be all on my own up there. What if I fuck it up? Embry Nah no way Adam What embry said Jeb I know you’ll both be there. That’s why 3way is the best. Embry Love you Jebby. But you still haven’t told anyone else about our chat name, right?

3way group chat Five years ago Embry J where are you? We said we were meeting at six for dinner. Jeb So don’t panic Adam Fuck no good sentence ever started that way Embry RIGHT. What’s going on? Jeb I’m kind of in the ER Adam OMG Embry What the FUCK jeb!!! Are you okay? Jeb I’m okay I swear. They’re sending me home soon. Adam Then we’re coming to get you. What the hell happened? Jeb Okay don’t get upset Embry No good sentence ever started off that way either Jeb I kind of forgot to eat again? Adam Jeb we talked about this!!! Jeb I know I just get so busy during finals? Then I forget. Jeb But the good news is I’ll be fine Embry Damn right you’re officially on meal watch again Adam I’ve got breakfast and lunch Embry I’m on dinner Jeb You guys don’t have to do that Embry Clearly WE DO Adam We love you jebby. We can’t let you accidentally starve yourself over bio chem exams Embry I’m picking up cookies. We’ll be there in twenty minutes.

3way group chat Three years ago Jeb So I know you both left this chat Jeb But I miss it Jeb Our individual chats just aren’t the same Jeb Please can we start it again? Please? Jeb I still don’t get what happened at that party. Will one of you please tell me? Jeb Please? I don’t understand what’s going on. Jeb Please Jeb has left the chat.

3way group chat Five years ago Jeb Azalea and I broke up. For good this time, I think. Embry Sorry, j. I know you liked her. Jeb Maybe I should be more upset. IDK. I guess I’ll miss her? But honestly I think I’m more upset that I’m not more upset. Jeb That’s weird, right? Adam Feelings are feelings. They’re not weird. Jeb Thanks. Embry Yeah. What A said. What happened? Jeb Sooo that was strange actually. She said she felt like she couldn’t compete with you two Adam Excuse-moi? Jeb Right? She said you two always come first for me and she was tired of coming second? Or something like that. Jeb I kind of missed some of what she said. Embry was beating me in that new racing game we just downloaded. Embry OMG IT’S SO GOOD. Embry Wait is that why you lost the second race? Jeb Oh yeah maybe? I got a little distracted by our conversation. Jeb At least I got my shit together enough to beat you in the next match Adam Annnd I think we’ve found the problem here, folks. Pretty sure you’re gonna be fine, jeb.

3way group chat Three years ago Adam I still can’t believe this is our last semester. Embry NOT AGAIN YOU ARE LYING ON THE BED ACROSS FROM ME Adam STOP SHOUTING Adam Maybe I’m trying to get used to having to text you instead of being able to see you every single day Adam [gif of someone with tears streaming down their face] Embry It’s gonna suck. But we’ll visit Jeb at the farm. I’ll come see you in CA. Jeb Yeah!! And we’ll have the chat. We’ll always have the chat!! Jeb But I’m going to miss having you both around all the time. Sure you don’t want to come farm trees with me, lol? Embry I mean, it’s not like I have other big plans Embry Or any plans. At all. As my parents remind me every damn day Adam You’ll find a job you want, E. I know you will. Jeb Absolutely!!!! Adam Worst case scenario you go grow some trees or whatever and then I’ll come do all the marketing for the farm and we’ll all live happily ever after lol Jeb Um, I think you mean BEST case scenario?? Embry Lol if you ever activate that plan, I’m in

3way group chat Present day Embry We really have to keep this guy on staff? Jeb Who? Prescott? Embry I’m fine with keeping the seventy-year-old grandpa who gives out candy canes on staff. I was asking about Doug. Jeb What is your deal with him? He’s so nice. Embry He has too many muscles Embry And he keeps smiling at both of you Embry And I swear he’s been looking at adam’s ass Embry And jeb’s arms Embry I want to fire him and hire more prescotts Jeb Prescott can’t run the tractor or put trees on cars Adam And also I don’t think he appreciates my ass enough. Jeb, am I the only one who thinks jealous Embry is HOT? Jeb Nope, jealous Embry is definitely HOT Embry FINE he can stay but only if you both keep calling me hot Adam [gif of people shaking hands]

3way group chat Present day Adam Soooo jeb Jeb Yeah? Where are you? Adam In the house working on dinner with E Jeb Cool. I’m almost done in the barn. Be inside soon. Adam Sweet. Me and E were thinking about this thing we want to try later… Adam Your Gucci is going to love it Jeb Adam you know I never understand jokes like that. What the hell is a gucci? Adam Duck I meant rick Adam FUCK I meant fix Adam WHAT THE HELL AUTOCORRECT Embry [gif of person spit-taking everywhere] Jeb You know, it really isn’t nice to tease me like this

3way group chat Present day Embry Jeb, are you still staying over at P and P? Embry Jeb, please just let me know you’re okay. I know you were out in the barn earlier, but I haven’t seen you since. Jeb Hi Embry, it’s Millie. Jeb wants me to let you and Adam know he’s okay. Embry Thanks, Millie. Embry Adam, I’ll sleep on the couch tonight. Adam You don’t need to do that. It’s a big bed. I can stay on my side. Embry Fine. And I’ll stay on mine too. Adam Fine. Embry Definitely fine. Adam Totally fine. Embry 100% fine. Adam Beyond fine. Jeb Millie here again. Just wanted to say how great it is that you’re both fine with sleeping in the same bed tonight.

3way group chat Present day Adam Has anyone fed the animals yet? Jeb Millie here. Jeb will be over to do it soon. Adam Never mind. Tell him I’ll go do it now. Jeb Are you… sure you can? Adam It’s just animals and food, Millie. Jeb If you say so. But Jeb says he can be over soon, so you don’t need to worry about it. Embry I can come right back if you need help. Adam FFS, I can feed some damn animals by myself! Embry Even Jeb’s demon goat? Adam Embry, believe it or not, there are some things I’m capable of doing without you.

There are good days—those that involve laughing with your friends, drinking eggnog, or getting your dick sucked. Or all three. And then there are terrible days, like when you have a fight with the men you love—a fight so bad that you think you might not recover from it—or you end up locked inside an unheated barn in Vermont in the winter with a demon goat. Hammering hard on the big barn door with my fist, I yell, “Help! Someone!” And wait. Nothing. No one comes. Which is to be expected, since I think I’m the only one here. “Here” meaning the entire seventy-two acres of this farm. Even if anyone were around, though, they wouldn’t be looking for me, since no one knows I’m in the barn.

Fuuuck. I’m never without my cell phone normally, but I left it in the house because I thought I was only coming out here for a moment to take care of the animals. Embry or Jeb would usually do that, but Jeb took off to be with Millie yesterday after our fight. He checked in on the farm this morning but then disappeared again, since we’re closed. Embry also went over to P and P to take a look at an engine. So I’ve been all alone. It’s been a long day with no customers, no friends-boyfriends-enemies, no nothing. I didn’t even get any design work done because I was too lost in thoughts about our problems. Instead, I did laundry. I ironed. I cleaned. I tidied up. I got us ready for tomorrow’s crowds. But then, in my desire to be helpful, I entered the lair here. And that was a bad idea. Panic rises in my throat. I don’t know when anyone will be back. And, looking around at all the animals, I’m not sure I’ll be alive when they find me.

Okay, I may be exaggerating. But you meet this goat and see if you don’t agree with me. I push on the barn door with all my weight, using both hands and digging my heels into the ground. The wind slammed it shut right after I walked in here, and when I went to test it, it wouldn’t budge. I have no idea why I can’t get it open again. I just can’t. Time to face my doom. Sherbert, the menace, is walking on his hind feet like some sort of circus dog. Except my memory from cartoons is that those are little lap dogs. Upright, Sherbert is taller than me and really fucking frightening with those creepy goat eyes. “Those horizontal pupils make you look like an alien,” I say. Because apparently when I’ve been alone most of the day, I’ll even talk to a goat. I glanc...

“Okay, motherfucker,” I say, looking for something like a rake to fend him off. “Stay away.” Fuck. This is what I get for trying to help. My dying thoughts will be a deep-seated understanding that I cannot do what Jeb or Embry do. I just cannot. There’s no rake close by. No shovel. No sticks. Just a bunch of dogs and hay—er, straw—bales. Apples. I need apples. Embry stowed a bag of them in the barn once he realized that they served to tame the murder goat, so I back slowly away from Sherbert, never taking my eyes off him. “Stay there,” I say to him, but he again disregards me. Three dogs accompany me to find the food. I turn to one I think is called Focaccia, who is nosing up under my shirt. “You are apparently under the misapprehension that I’m a dog pe...

But when I get to the stash of apples, I also see some dog biscuits. “Okay, canines. Here are some treats. Enjoy them.” I throw one to each of the hounds, appalled that they swallow them down after about three bites each. “Did you even chew?” I ask. They don’t answer, just crunch and snuffle. My greater concern, though, is dealing with the goat. I take an apple out of the sack. “I know these hypnotize you,” I say. “Please don’t eat me.” Nervous, I hold out my hand, and before I can squeak, Sherbert takes the apple, drops to four feet, then proceeds to curl up on the straw on the ground like he’s a nice goat, eating it. “What the actual hell?” I mutter, watching him eat. I sigh and sink down onto a straw bale—I now know the difference between that and hay, thankyouverymuch—and think about whether I should burn the building down, cry, or yell until I’m ...

They’re jammed or locked or I don’t know what. “So,” I say conversationally to the goat after he’s demolished a second apple I gingerly handed him, “now that we’re friends, can you tell me how to escape from this place? Because I hear you put Criss Angel to shame.” He doesn’t answer me, so I’m left with my thoughts. My thoughts and, like, eighteen animals. I swear, Jeb should open a petting zoo. That idea makes all kinds of synapses ping in my brain, but before I can process them, I hear the beautiful noise of rusty hinges squealing. The main door is wrenched open, and wind snakes inside the somewhat snug barn. Rather than Jeb or Embry, it’s Doug, who doesn’t look surprised to see me. “Hey!” I say. “How did you know ...

“Thank God. Watch that the door doesn’t shut. I got locked in.” Doug frowns. “Locked? Nah. It’s just this little doohickey.” He shows me how to undo a simple door latch. My college education was pointless. “Oh, God,” I groan, scrubbing my face. “Get me out of here.” He nods. I’m so happy to be out of the barn. “Did you need something?” I ask when Doug follows me up the steps. “Nah. Maya sent me over to talk to you.” I stiffen, my hand on the doorknob. “Okay.” It’s too cold to sort this out on the porch, so I invite him inside. “Um, want a beer?” Doug grins. “Sure.” After I get each of us a local craft beer from a twelve-pack that Embry picked up somewhere, we sit on the ...

Doug stretches out his arms on the back of the couch and sighs. “I’m not in a polyamorous relationship—or any relationship—but I’ve been watching the way you are with Jeb and Embry. You really care about them.” “Yeaaah,” I say, not sure where he’s going with this. “We thought maybe you needed someone to talk to about them. Who wasn’t them.” I gulp, because he’s—they’re—right. I sip my beer and think about all the things I need to work through. After a few moments, I start with the most obvious. “We keep getting in these terrible fights,” I say quietly. “And I don’t know how to stop.” Doug, bless him, just listens. “Jeb’s arm is broken. This house is a construction site—in theory, that is. To be a construction site, construction needs to actually begin. This is just demolition. And he’s in this hole he can’t s...

He puts a foot up on the battered coffee table, again not saying anything but rolling his hand in a “go on” gesture. I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I feel really bad for Jeb. Going into the barn tonight to feed the animals gave me some perspective about all the pressures on him. A farm has so many moving pieces, many of them living, breathing creatures who require frequent care. Jeb can’t take off to Hawaii—or even New Hampshire—without making serious arrangements for this menagerie. That’s a lot of responsibility.” I sigh. “Embry and I have been too hard on him. Jeb’s not a loser, and I’m pissed that we let him think he was. He’s a champ for trying to do something superhuman by himself. There’s just no way he could take care of this place on his own. Also, I think I’ve been too hard on Embry. He’s so damned competent at everything, I get jealous.” I take another sip of the beer befo...

“Such as?” I sigh. “I need to come out to my mom. It’s time. And I have normal job stress in addition to trying to save Jebby’s farm. I’m kinda on vacation, but kinda not, so I’m sneaking in client work when I can. So life is a shitshow, the way it usually is during the holidays. Only a little worse this year. Yay.” Doug frowns. “You’re working two jobs when most people are taking a break. It sounds like Jeb isn’...

It’s like my grandma always says—if you’re going to give part of yourself to someone, they have to fill you back ...

I nod slowly, because even though a grandmother’s secondhand advice shouldn’t be relevant to my life, it is. “I have thought that we all have a function in this relationship, but I hadn’t extended that to how I could lean on them more. I’ve just been trying to help solve all the problems.” Doug smiles. “A relationship is give a...

“Yeah.” My voice is raspy. “I do.” Doug raises his eyebrows, not saying anything. Letting me put the pieces together. “I could open up to them more. And listen before lashing out.” He sips his beer. “Why do you think you get angry at them?” “Because I care about what they think.” But it’s not just that. “And it’s a defense mechanism. If I push ...

What if I moved to Vermont? If I went all in with these guys? My mom would be upset, but she’s at least used to the concept of me living in this state, what with college. I have friends back home, sure, but no one like Jeb and Embry. Since most of my work is done remotely anyway, it doesn’t really matter where I live. And I could sell my pl...

3way group chat Present day Embry Millie, just checking in. Jeb’s still over there, right? He never came home last night. Adam Did he get the pills I dropped off with Maya? Jeb Yes. Will the three of you please just make the fuck up already? Before I throw our smart speaker out the window? Adam Uh oh. He’s gone into 90s mode, hasn’t he? Embry Shit. Block all No Doubt from the house immediately. Jeb Oh, it’s way fucking worse than No Doubt. Embry You mean…

3way group chat Present day Jeb I’m heading home. Can we all talk? Embry Heading back too. Be there in five. Adam Yeah. [heart emoji] Adam You’re really ready to talk to us, jeb? Promise this isn’t Millie? Embry She could be staging a set-up to get away from Jagged Little Pill. Adam Awww, you remember the album name! Embry Of course I do. I heard it eighteen thousand times when we all lived together. Jeb I promise this is me, not Millie. And no, I wasn’t kicked out of the house for excessive overplaying of Head Over Feet. Adam In your defense, it’s an underrated song. Jeb Thank you. But yeah… I just think i’m ready to talk. I thought about some stuff while I was gone. I just… Jeb Sometimes things are just too much, you know? Embry Yeah, jebby, we know. Adam We do Embry And I think I speak for adam when I say we don’t ever want to be the cause of your too much. Adam [gif of someone nodding adamantly in agreement] Jeb Yeah. So let’s talk. Adam Sounds good to me. I’ll cue up “You Learn” for when you both get here. Embry “Head Over Feet” too Jeb [series of ten heart emojis]

3way group chat Present day Adam Does anyone know why Sherbert’s such an ahole? Was he like abused or something? Embry Wait that’s how you spell his name? Jeb How else do you spell it? Embry Sherbet Adam Nah he needs the second r. Back to my question. Why is a goat such a jackass? Was he hated? Jeb No actually his human family really loved him. Or tried to. Total mystery. Embry Oh fuck I thought he had like some really horrible backstory Embry Orphaned, unloved, etc. Jeb Doug thinks he has unresolved goals in life Adam What does that even MEAN? How does a goat have unresolved goals? Jeb He always compares sherbert to rudolph the red nosed reindeer? Something about sherbert being denied a greater purpose in life? You’d have to ask him or zeke. I don’t really get it. Embry At least you’re making it easier for me to be less jealous of doug right now Adam Idk. The guys a hot firefighter who also cares deeply about animals and has the creative sense to understand character backstory? Embry Dammit ur right Embry He’s never working on this farm again

3way group chat Present day Adam I seriously can’t believe Jeb talked us into this event name Jeb I still don’t understand what’s wrong with 3way. It’s our group chat name!! It just made sense to use that name today! The three of us created this together. [string of heart emojis] Embry J, you do realize what 3way means, right? Jeb I mean I think so? But millie always gets weird when I say it too Jeb I’m missing something again, aren’t I? Are you going to tell me what it is? Adam Jeb, baby, please don’t ever change Embry No fucking way. We love you just the way you are.