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What I don’t realize is that I’ll be fighting the urge to stare at Jasper Gervais for years to come.
And for Sloane I keep every promise, no matter how badly they hurt.
“And that right there”—Sterling points at Sloane without even sparing her a glance—“is why women don’t belong out hunting. Too upsetting.”
Ass
I don’t know why Sloane and I have always been so adamant that we’re friends and not cousins.
Because clearly you have feelings for each other dummy
Plus, I remember how Sloane looks at a man when she really wants him. And she isn’t looking at her fiancé the way she used to look at me.
I shouldn’t be salivating over him on what was supposed to be my wedding day. But salivating over Jasper Gervais is part of my personality at this point.
XD
“Maybe if I drink enough of these”—I lift the six-pack, feeling a little loopy—“I’ll invite you to join me.”
“And I hate this ring. I saw one at a little boutique on Sixteenth Avenue—you know that funky area? It was a purple oval sapphire. How cool is a purple sapphire? And they set it sideways in matte yellow gold. Sterling said it was ‘weird’ and then gave me this ring the next week. I swear he picked the opposite of anything I’d ever want on purpose.”
“This tastes like shit.” She drinks, and from my periphery, I see her nod. “Matches the day. Shit is the theme.”
“You’ll be here in the morning?”
“Where else would I be?”
I’ve always wanted to get naked with Jasper—but not like that.
LOL
“No.” Jasper says from behind me as I reach forward. “Yes,” I reply, grinning as I turn back to him, holding up one of his jerseys. Number one emblazoned across the back.
Oh Jasper XD
Jasper has always been a sweet boy. But god, he grew up to be a damn good man.
“That’s probably what you tell all the girls, Gervais.” “Nah, Sunny. You’re my only girl.”
“Well, if I were you, I would have told my coach that my personal life was a heaping pile of devastating shit.”
The world is dark, but she’s like the moon when we sat on the roof. Bright and pure, shedding a silvery light over everything so that I can still see where I’m going.
I’ve been referring to them in my head as lookie-loos because if you haven’t spoken to me in years, I don’t know why I’d chat to you about the implosion of my wedding day.
It’s that I have this deep sense that once I remove it, everything in my life will change. I’ll be a new me, and nothing will look the same anymore. My family. My upbringing. Everything I’ve come to know. And that scares me.
“Move over.” My head flicks in her direction. “What?” “Move your ass over.” “Why?” Those pale blue irises roll back into her head with so much attitude. It reminds me of her as a teenager. “Because I’m not leaving you alone tonight.” My body goes rigid. “Why?” “Because I’m concerned for the safety of the walls in this room.”
Harvey: How’s the hand? Jasper: How do you know? Harvey: I’m old. Not deaf. Jasper: It’s fine. I’m fine. Harvey: No, you’re not. None of us are. But you know what will make you feel better? Jasper: What’s that? Harvey: Fixing my wall. There’s spackling and a putty knife outside your door. Jasper: Sorry, Harv. I’ll fix it. Promise. Harvey: All good, son. Have you seen Sloane? Her door was open, and her room was empty. ;)
Harvey is such a matchmaker lmao
“Jesus Christ.” Cade’s head drops, and his eyes stare into his coffee cup like he’s scrying for answers on how to make his dad stop saying inappropriate things. I snort because I know that day will never come.
Willa: Sloane, can you confirm Jasper is okay? The guys are worried about him but don’t know how to talk to him about their feelings. They’ve requested we ask instead. It’s like a game of telephone over here.
Men
“It’s impossible to forget how long I’ve known you, Sunny,” is all he says as we pull away through the gate.
“Do you think about me?”
“I keep forgetting about everything else in my life. Everyone else. But when we’re apart I constantly come back to y—you know what? Never mind. Just ignore me.”
“Every fucking day, Sunny.”
“Yeah. A robin’s egg is more accurate. Remember when we were walking to the river that one time and the shell fell out of the tree in front of us? You were so excited about there being baby birds, and I remember picking it up and looking at you, thinking that it matched almost perfectly.”
Robin’s-egg blue. What was I thinking?
I know she must be thinking of the way she’d talk at me as a child while I sat around and brooded. Hilariously, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
“The more I think about it, the angrier I am—at myself more than anyone. I went along with it and let him talk to me the way he did, belittle me the way he did. And I just never really cared. I was going through the motions, I think. Focusing on the ballet company. Focusing on my parents. Focusing on everyone other than me, and now I look at myself and I . . . I don’t like what I see. I don’t like the choices I’ve made. And I think ignoring him—petty as it might be—is a choice I actually like right now. I don’t even know what I have to say to him, you know? I’m clinging to what little sanity I
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That’s not how feelings work—they just are, no matter what anyone else thinks of them.
“I told him I’m no one’s wife and I don’t owe either of them shit.”
I was wrong about the sky. I was wrong about the eggshell. It’s the glacier lake. I see her everywhere.
“You don’t need to worry about me, Sunny.” I don’t look back when I hear her soft response. “I always worry about you, Jas.”
I keep reading the plastic pages before me. “Oooh. They have Buddyz Best on tap!” Amusement sparks on his handsome face. “You can get something better, you know.” I laugh. “Of course, I know. But I’ve developed a taste for it.”
Because I’ve been staring at Jasper Gervais since I was ten years old, and suddenly . . . he’s staring back.
Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.
For Jasper I’d do anything.
It just is. The sky is blue. The grass is green. And I’ve loved Jasper Gervais from the first day I laid eyes on him.
“You’re perfect the way you are, Sloane. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
Harvey: You kids got somewhere safe to spend the night? Jasper: Yeah. Hotel in Rose Hill. Harvey: Two rooms or one? ;) Jasper: Don’t be weird. One room, two beds. Harvey: I’m not weird. You’re the one with a crush on your cousin. Jasper: She’s not my cousin. Harvey: Ha! But you didn’t deny the crush.
Oh Harvey, never change. Lol
Without the brim of my hat, I feel exposed, laid bare, but for her I‘m not sure I mind so much.
Friendship though? With Jasper, friendship is love.
Those sad fucking eyes on that first summer day that I drowned in them. A dark blue abyss. Sometimes I feel like I sank to the bottom of that deep ocean and just took up residence. I got lost in Jasper’s eyes and never left.
That night, with only the moon as his witness, a devastated boy divulged his deepest, darkest secrets to the most inconsequential person he could find. A girl who never looked at him with pity, only adoration. And he shredded his heart for her. Left all the jagged, torn pieces at her feet.
But seeds grow and now the roots of him and that night are wrapped so tightly around my heart that I’ll never be able to extricate myself from Jasper Gervais. There isn’t a soul in the world who can remove those roots and the stranglehold they have on me.
He might have been an abandoned teenager and I might have been some naïve, little kid, but that night we were just two souls with one secret. And after that, unlikely friends.
I can be a person who really knows who he is rather than what he is. I can listen. When he talks, I’ll always listen.
“Shit happens to the best of us, Sunny, and I am not the best of us.”
