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And if I’ve figured out anything in this Shakespearean tragedy of a life, it’s that life is just moments all strung together like multicolor Christmas lights. You always end up liking some colors better than others.
“Times have changed, Sloane. I’m not scared anymore. You’re not my fucking friend. You’re just mine.”
Everyone in my life has treated me like the tiny ballerina inside a jewelry box. Nice to look at and cute to listen to when you’re in the mood, but easily shut away when you have something else to do. I’m furious with myself for smiling and spinning every time someone opened that box. I’m angry at myself for not flipping them the finger and refusing to twirl around mindlessly. I’m not angry at anyone else.
My body screams at me to go back to him. But I don’t want to be that ballerina in a jewelry box with him. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to save me. I want to save myself.
Jasper is nothing like the men I grew up around. He’s raw and dirty and loves so hard he hurts himself in the process.
It’s my favorite tattoo. For my favorite person.
Because no matter what else is going on in the world, everything is better with her in my arms.
“I feel like I could crumble under the weight of not wanting to disappoint you. I’m paralyzed by my fear of losing you.”
“It’s always been you, Jasper. It will always be you.”
“Lord help me, Gervais. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self what she’s in for ten years down the line. She’d have keeled over on the spot.”
“I hate you,” I laugh back at him. But I always laugh at the wrong moment. And right now I laugh because I don’t hate Jasper at all. I love him. I love him like that girl ten years ago never could have imagined.
I told him the truth that time. When we got ready, I didn’t even think about putting my hat on this morning. I guess I didn’t feel like I needed it.
Jasper: How’s my girl? I’ll be back tonight. Meet you at the ranch? Sloane: Yes. Really good. Especially when you call me that. Jasper: My girl? Sloane: Yeah. Haha. Never thought I’d hear that. Jasper: Sunny, you’ve always been my girl.
The person you’re with asking how you feel about something shouldn’t seem like a big deal. But it strikes me here and now that no one has ever really asked me this.
Jasper: I am really glad you’re alive. But I also hate you. Beau: Hate you too, bro. <3
And I realize it then . . . I’d do anything to see this girl smile.
She’s the air I breathe and that fucking terrifies me.
“I know you’re crumbling right now. I can see you falling apart right before my eyes, Jas. But I also know you need to be the one to put yourself back together. If it’s me, I’ll constantly be the one mending you when you break. Pulling you back from that ledge. And I can’t be responsible for that for the rest of our lives. That needs to come from you.” My voice cracks. “I can barely put myself back together these days.”
If moving on from Jasper Gervais was an option, I’d have done it by now.
Harvey must think my plan sucks because he says, “All you boys are idiots.”
“I mean, if y’all can overlook tail-babies, I’m not sure what could really keep you apart.”
Soulmates. That feels heavy. But it doesn’t feel wrong.
“Would you make that gamble?” “Over and over again.”
“Then tell her, you idiot.”
She’s never left me behind, and I’m not leaving her behind either.
For too long, I was a soft, demure little dove. And then they burned me. Scorched me. Turns out I’m a dragon and I’m fed the fuck up with boys and their bullshit.
My rock. My comfort. The boy with the sad eyes and the heart of gold.
“Jasper . . .” His hand squeezes reassuringly. “The answer is yes, Sloane.” My head tilts. “Yes, what?” “I’ll take that gamble. All day long. Every damn day.”
A little girl is supposed to love her dad, but he’s supposed to love her back.
