For the Fans

by Nyla K.

Me: You’re right… I never really hated you, baby. Because I think I love you.

“What… What is this?” He leans in close to my ear, squeezing my shivering hand in his. “Thank you for coming to prom with me, Avi.”

But I love it. I don’t even care, I’m in fucking love with it, because I’m in love with him, and fuck, I can’t believe I ever thought I could stop it from happening.

“I don’t think I can fight it anymore, Avi…” My breathing shallows. “Fight what?” “Us…” The gold and green in his eyes glow, offering me a timid sparkle. “Baby, I think I’m in love with you,” he whispers on my lips, dropping his forehead to mine, clutching onto my body for dear life. Like he’s afraid if he lets go for one second, I’ll float away.

Screaming

“Maybe it feels longer… because I liked you when I thought I hated you.” “That’s what I was waiting for,” he hums. I can hear the grin in his voice, and it makes me laugh.

“So you’re saying… I’m your first?” He laughs, shivering my insides with how damn good it sounds. “Yes, baby. You’re my first. And I’m yours.” I’m getting all squirmy again as I purr, “I’m so yours…”

“I love you, Avi.” “Mmm… I love you, HGB.” “You’re an annoying idiot.” I bite the grin off my lips, and he laughs. “That’s my man.”

I’m gay, and I’m in love with my stepbrother. There it is. Wow… This must be what really great drugs feel like.

That’s kind of why I want to talk to her alone first, before she meets Avi. I want to make sure she knows we don’t need to get into all that… stuff. The past. Especially with Avi around. I can’t have her bringing up things he doesn’t know… Because more than any of the rest of it, I can’t deal with Avi finding out the truth. It’ll change everything.

Ugh baby

He’s gonna know… He’ll find out the truth. And then he won’t want you anymore.

Ugh my heart

“Well, I don’t give a fuck,” I state firmly. “When we get back to Boston, I’m telling him the truth. I don’t care if he has a problem with it. He stopped being my father a long time ago, anyway.”

“He made you this way… He made you for me. Now beg for forgiveness.”

Ugh babyyyy

“I’m here for you because I love you, Kyran. And nothing is gonna change that.”

Love is fragile… delicate as glass. And my truth is a stone thrown.

I love this man… I really do. I just wish it wasn’t buried under a hundred thick layers of complication.

After all, it’s true. Kyran Harbor is the love of my life. That’s it. I’ve fallen. Hook, line, and sinker, he has my whole heart.

My Avi candle.

“Mama! No esta su novio.

Cringe this isnt right

“We’re together,” I speak quietly, then straighten. “He’s my boyfriend. I’m his…” My voice trails, and I peek at Avi, watching his lips slope into a timid smile. “I’m his boyfriend.” “You’re so much fucking more than that,” he breathes, and my heart jumps as I reach for his jaw. “I know,” I sigh, pulling his mouth to mine.

More than anything, I’m just weightless. As if thousands of pounds have been lifted from my shoulders. I’m okay with the reality that not everyone will accept me for who I am, and I understand that I’ll have to answer questions about the nature of my relationship with Avi, since he’s my stepbrother. But none of that matters when his hands are on me in public.

Loveeeee this

Theo whips his drink back, his face all flushed. There’s something going on with him, but I can’t worry about it right now.

Suspicious Asf

“I love you, Kyran. I love you so fucking much, and that is never ever going to change. No matter what happens, no matter what I learn about you… Baby, you’re it for me. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved this way. Do you know how special that makes you??”

“Stop treating me different,” I whimper with tears threatening to push out of my eye sockets. “Stop… looking at me. I don’t want you to see how broken I am…”

I’m telling you, I love you, Kyran Harbor. Anything in the world that you want, I will give to you. But not just right now… Always.”

“Seriously,” I hum, peering up at him. “All you’ve ever done is open the door for me over and over… This broken, crumbled mess. And every time, you pull me in and sit there trying to glue me back together. And you didn’t even know why I was smashed to bits in the first place.” I shake my head, resting my cheek over his heart. “You’re like…”

He left you. He ran away again… From you. Because, as usual, you pushed too hard. You’re just too much… Too hopeless, too desperate. Chasing him over and over again, when he doesn’t want to be caught.

Oh baby

he thinks he’s broken. He’s fucking not. And even if he is, so what?? I’d still do everything in my power to fix him, to make him mine. Because I just want him, broken or not. I want all his uneven pieces.

Don’t shut me out, Kyran. Let me love you the way I’m supposed to.

“Aviel, I’m so happy that you’re telling me.” She rubs my arm. “I’m proud of you for being so brave. But it’s not something I would need to process. I just love you. Who you love doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy with them.”

Good people get hurt, bad ones walk free, and things just happen. Chaos within an infinite, spiraling cosmic circus. The only thing we can do is have faith in us, find beauty in the pain, and laugh as much as possible.

No matter what Kyran feels he needs to do to get himself past the torment he holds, I won’t give up on us. I’ll never stop chasing him while he runs. And hopefully he knows that when he shows back up, I’ll always open the door.

Ugh my heart

Being with Avi… being close to him, seeing and feeling and breathing with him, all those things we did together… it’s what set me free. He was the shovel, slowly scooping away the debris to uncover the real Kyran from where he’d been buried alive.

The real Kyran Harbor wouldn’t be alive without Avi Vega. He’s my reason, my rescue.

Gay. In love with my stepbrother. Sexual assault survivor. Football quarterback. Okay, that one didn’t change. But now I’ll be doing it for myself, instead of as a means to make my father less disgusted by me.

I am so proud

Hey, baby. I know this might hurt, but push through it for me. I’m fine and safe and I promise I’ll be back soon… Knocking on your door for good this time. I love you, angel. Thanks for saving me.

You are supposed to love and protect me. You’re supposed to listen to me and support me… You were supposed to stand beside me no matter what, and you should’ve wanted to fucking decapitate that motherfucker for what he did! But instead, you acted like it never happened.”

God this hurts

“I love you, Kyran,” he whispers hoarsely. “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry.” Oh damn… This is embarrassing. Now I’m fucking bawling into his chest, and I can’t hold it back. Gripping him and shaking while all the walls between us come tumbling down. Brick by brick.

Sobbing

“You’re strong, Kyran. A hundred times stronger than me, and you always have been,” he says surely. “You’ve grown into an amazing man, and you did that all on your own. That is worth being proud over.”

“Okay, listen… You guys don’t know the reason why I left, so I understand you’re just protecting your friend, because you think I broke his heart. And why wouldn’t you?? I’ve been bullying him and running from him for forever. But the truth is that I’m in love with him. I’m so crazy in love with him, and I just want to be with him… To hold his hand, and buy him Twizzlers, and listen to him talk about reptilians. I want to support him like he’s supported me, and I want to see his eyes sparkle when he’s excited. I’m in love with Avi Vega, wholly, truly, un-fucking-deniably.”

If I could just get him back, I’d spend every single day putting him together, and not caring one bit about it. I would make it my life’s mission to fix whatever he thinks is broken, if he wanted me to… It would be my honor to be his handyman. No amount of work will ever be work with Kyran Harbor.

My angel saved me. He rescued me from hiding. He held me when I needed him, and he loved me when I didn’t. He’s selfless, real… just a brilliant, beautiful fucking weirdo. I’m in love with an angel… And his name is Avi.

The hot grouchy blonde, with all his internal scars. He took my hand at the edge, and squeezed it. And we fell together.

“I couldn’t stand the idea of forcing you to fix me. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Always giving me what I need,” he whimpers. “My sweet, strawberry angel.”

“I’m yours, Aviel,” he sighs, and my heart is breaking through my chest. “Just yours. Always.”

I recognize the Kyran I’m with right now… From the little glimpses I would get when we were alone together, like at the drive-in or the Rose Bowl after-party, when he kissed me in front of everyone.

But honestly, I fell in love with all the versions of him. I just want every shade of Kyran Harbor, every day, in whatever way he happens to be feeling.

He peeks at me over his shoulder. “I’m like… stupidly in love with you.” “Baby… I’m fucking moronically in love with you.” I kiss his lips while he chuckles.

“Which street is that?” I ask him softly. He peeks up at me. “It’s our street. Summer Street.” He runs his fingertip over it. “This is where I met you for the first time… Where I thought I hated you, when really, I… secretly liked you.” I grin, and he bites his lip. “This is where you found me on Christmas Eve… When you brought me my coat and held me close to you.”

“That was where I realized that I was falling for you… I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time. But that night, I knew something had shifted. We weren’t doing it for the fans anymore… if we ever even were to begin with. That night, it felt like a switch flipped in me, and I wasn’t terrified of my feelings for you anymore.”