For the Fans

by Nyla K.

But then I remember that I need the order; the structure. It’s good for me. Keeps me from thinking about… things.

Clues

Everything needs to look perfect on the outside… no matter how decayed and rotten it is beneath the surface.

Clue

I’m in good shape. I have to be, what with football and all. My eyes take in the image of myself on the screen… Dirty blonde hair, perfectly swept back by my fingers, skin slightly tanned from the sun of summer’s beginning. I blink over and over at the guy looking back at me as my heart’s rapid thumps steady back into a normal rhythm. “That’s you,” I whisper.

Clue

My mother got remarried… She has a new baby, a new family. A new life. In his eyes, she won. And he can’t have that.

His dad sounds toxic

My father, Thomas Harbor… Who brought me to Catholic church my whole life. Had me and my sister baptized and had me go through communion… Who sent me to church camp until I was twelve and forced me to be an altar boy…

Clue

“You’re all the same. Drawing big-titted girls you could never get in a million years.” They laugh some more. “Forgive me, I’m working on memory,” I growl at him. “I’ve only met your mom once.”

Lmfao

Kyran is quiet for a moment, staring at himself in the mirror with a strange look in his eyes. They usually appear to be a green and bronze hazel, but right now they’re dark, pupils visibly large, noticeable even from where I’m standing. I witness him swallow before he grips onto the edge of the countertop. “I don’t owe him anything.”

Clue

My mind is clear while I focus on the hurt. The pain of the weight I’m holding… It feels good. The ache is like a companion, a comforting presence that strokes my hair and whispers to me.

Clue

I guess he doesn’t need pain the way I do…

Oh baby…something happened

It’s been this way ever since… since the last time I tried to talk to him about something, and it tore our entire family apart. And I know he blames me for all of it.

Oh fuck i think i know

“This isn’t a joke. You can’t just make things up like this, Kyran. I’m sure you’re overreacting.” “Fuck you,” I breathe, choking on the emotions trying to scrape back up my throat like bile. “I’m not making it up…” “Yes, you are. Stop lying.” “I’m not lying!”

Oh noo fuck .....

and from Avi, whose blasé attitude and constant smiling just reminds me of what I could be like if I wasn’t so fucked up.

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I open the camera just to stare at myself. It’s fine… It’s all fine. You’re here. This is you.

Clue

Could be arsenic for all I care.

Clue

He seems defeated, like a broken man in a way,

“I’m gonna… come,” he croaks, hauling me closer by my shirt until I’m hovering over him, our hands bumping together in the furious chase. The swollen tips of our cocks brush and a shuddering cry brings hoarse words from his lips. “Fuck… Fuck you, Avi… fuck you, I’m gonna fucking come for you.”

Thinking leads to remembering… And remembering is the enemy.

I’ve had years of practice.

“You want this…” Squeezing my eyes shut, I swallow down the saliva filling my mouth. “It’s okay to like it, you know…”

oh my baby

He’s a bizarre character… A nerd who’s not good at school. An emo kid who smiles all the time. An artist with more muscle than some of the dudes on my team.

I want to be able to read people… to know what their intentions are. I like my humans transparent. And Avi is a murky mass of opaque complexities.

Clue

“I’m touching you, Kyran,” he hums, impatience framing his tone. Something about it causes an unwanted tickle in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel sick.

Baaby

I’ve been fighting since I was a kid, and this is no different.

There’s something going on here… Something is wrong with me because having him in there sends a bolt of lightning zapping through my loins.

Warmth blooms in the pit of my stomach, spreading a blaze inside me that makes no fucking sense. I don’t know what about the praise is clicking in some deep, dark corner of my mind, but it’s all I can think about.

Im so sad for him

He smashes his hips against my face, feeding his big cock into my throat while I struggle to breathe. Then he releases my dick, all wet and swollen as he whimpers, “Kyran… I’m gonna come. Fuck yess, I’m gonna… come.” Even if I wanted to, there’s no moving away. I’m trapped beneath him. But the sickest part is that as soon as the words leave his lips, I’m waiting for it. Like it’s my reward for doing well… I want it.

You don’t do things like that. You don’t like things like that.

Hugging my baby

mucho loco

Cringe

No, peanut butter and jelly is fine. It’s a classic, and everybody loves it. There’s no need to be thinking about grilled fluffer-nutters with banana, or apple brie paninis, or all those other exotic, different sandwiches when the standard, regular ones do exactly what they’re supposed to do. Nourish you. That’s what food is, after all. Sustenance. No more, no less.

Lol god he is spiraling

“Why am I so hard?” I whine, so goddamn confused and full of resentment. “Why am I hard now…? It’s so fucking stupid. My dick is broken.”

Stop fighting what feels good, Kyran.” Stop fighting.

Though there is that teeny, tiny frisson inside me, wondering if I’ll like it. If he’ll hurt me… Or if he’ll make it feel really good… Fear flickers in my brain, but I turn it off. I focus on Avi, and how confident he seems. How afraid he isn’t… How warm he is.

Clue… my baby

“Stop lying to me, you tight, sexy thing,” he growls, then eases another finger inside me.

“Well, then…” His eyes spring back up to mine, and I didn’t think it was possible, but my cheeks flush ever harder. “Looks like we found our bottom.”

Lmfao

No one knows… He’s mine, and no one knows it.

“Just… I don’t…” he stammers, lips quivering like the sexiest, most timid angry boy I’ve ever met. “I don’t know if I… can do this.”

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good.” I drop my mouth to his, kissing him and swallowing up his sounds. “The way your greedy little ass swallows my dick is… fucking euphoric.”

But when I come to, we’re kissing. Softly, passionately panting together… surviving on one other’s exhales. His hands are gripping my chest and mine are on his face, in his hair. And we’re kissing so hard and needy, my lips have gone numb.

“Kyran… It’s okay to be bi, you know…” I murmur, curling my face to try to meet his eyes. He glares at me. “I’m not bi, I’m broke. And the sooner you get that through your head, the better off we’ll all be.”

This thing was already complicated as fuck before. But now, with these stupid butterflies bounding around in my gut, it’s just turned into the biggest mess of my life. He bottomed… But I feel like I’m the one who’s fucked.

I don’t see Theo or Guty anywhere, which is weird because I thought they said they were coming down. Maybe they’re swimming…

Ooooo waaaaait lol

I just can’t stop remembering that video… The way it looked when those two people snapped their bodies together, like missing puzzle pieces. The way I can still feel his quivers and quakes as he moved inside me…

I can feel Avi the way you can feel a storm in your bones; a persistent ache that just won’t go away.

Are you alone? Me: Yes… Avi: Then be a good boy and take your cock out for me

Aviiiiiii

Avi: Please, baby? I’ve been thinking about your ass all day... I’m fucking dripping for it

“The Kyran signature scowl mixed with your fuck-me eyes.” He grins lazily. “It’s my favorite look.”

Lmfao

My body is hurdling the hesitations my mind won’t stop tossing up like roadblocks.

Poor baby

“Don’t leave me, baby…” he whispers sleepily. “Just keep me…”

Awww avi

The anxiety I feel at constantly being told I won’t be able to support myself with my art is almost crippling, sucking the satisfaction out of the thing I love. Hence the nonstop weed smoking. At this point, I can’t tell if I’m leaning on the weed for support, as a medication… Or if I’m using it as a crutch, to kill any and all feelings rather than dealing with the harsh reality that maybe I’ll never amount to anything.

Ugh i hate this for him

In fact, it seems like the things I care about are things that will ultimately fuck me over.

Ugh my poor baby