Maestro

by Auden Dar

A symphony is like a love affair. It’s a journey that takes your heart to many places.

The boy whose soft lips were the first to take mine. The boy I gave all my firsts to. The boy who not only captured my heart but also became a master at breaking it.

“I was thirteen when I met my one and only muse. All my compositions and all the music I perform are inspired by her. She’s in every note, melody, and phrase.”

“If I’m not here after your audition, it was nice meeting you,” he says. “Don’t forget me. Chad David. The cute English boy with two first names.” I laugh a little, because I’d forget how to play the suite before I’d ever forget Chad David.

tonight’s performance was the best because of you. I felt you before even seeing you. I love the way you don’t hide your excitement. Never lose that. It’s freaking adorable.

Strolling along Austin Street, Chad keeps humming a melody. “What’s that?” “Something I wrote on my way here.” “Really?” His eyes are on mine. “Do you like it?” “It’s beautiful. I… I love it.” “Good,” he says, pausing for a second. “Because you inspired it.” “I did?” “I always wanted a muse.” He unlocks a soft smile. “I found her in you.” I found her in you brings me an unfamiliar feeling of pride and happiness. We resume our walk to the subway station, side by side, and I’m grinning the entire time. I’m Chad’s muse.

Sitting cross-legged, talking and eating, recounting tales from the summer, I think this is not infatuation. This is love. I’m sure of it. I love you. I’ll always remember this day because it’s the first time I understand what it means to love a boy. Chad clears his throat. “Something I want to tell you.” “What?” You love me too? He pauses for a beat longer than expected, thoughtfully weighing what he wants to share with me. Our knees almost touch when I say, “Tell me.” Tell me you love me too. “I dated a girl while I was in Germany. Nothing serious. But… you know. I thought I’d just tell you.” No, I will never forget this day. It’s the first time I understand what brokenhearted means.

Priscilla points to Chad. “I know your type, son. You’re going to break her heart.” “No, I’m not,” he says, straightening his back.

“We’ll always be in each other’s lives,” he says. “Mm. Wherever, whenever, I’ll always be there for you.

A bad day and he came down to find me. And waited for me. Worried about me. “Come on,” I say. “Come inside." A line from Crouching Tiger echoes in my head. A faithful heart makes wishes come true. I look over at the guy my heart’s been faithful to for years. “I’ll be right back,” I say, heading to my bedroom. More lines from tonight’s movie come to mind. I would rather be a ghost drifting by your side as a condemned soul than enter heaven without you… Because of your love, I will never be a lonely spirit. I haven’t felt lonely since Chad and I became best friends. Even when I’m on a date without him, he’s still present. Chad is like my favorite melody, one I can’t stop thinking of.

The ink on his arm catches my attention. “How’d you get a tattoo? Don’t you have to be eighteen?” “Not in Austria.” “Really?” “Really.” “Why a sideways eight?” “Aurelia, it’s an infinity symbol.” “I know. I was just teasing.” “Never tease about a tattoo.” “Geez.” I roll my eyes at him. “So why an infinity?” “It’s us,” he says casually. “Us?” His eyes dart from the infinity tattoo to my widened eyes. “Friends forever.” “Forever.” I should be flattered, happy. Which I am. The art on his body represents us. Chad’s friends forever confession lingers and then an unfamiliar pain pricks at my heart. Forever Friend.

“I want you to see me.” “I do see you.” “I mean really see me. As a girl who’s more than your best friend. A girl you want to kiss. Right now. Period. No yets, no buts.” I’ve laid out my heart for the boy in front of me, and I have no regrets. Long, silent, painful seconds pass as we stare at my heart lying on the floor between us. My empty chest screams, begging to get the hell out of here and away from these unrequited feelings. “That girl is all I see, Aurelia,” Chad says. “The girl with the most expressive eyes I’ve ever seen. The cellist whose talent never ceases to amaze me. The generous soul who always gives spare change to people in need or spends Sunday mornings at the church’s food shelter. The girl who still treks to Forest Hills a few times a month to play for senior citizens. The girl I’ve wanted to kiss since the first time I met her. “I want to be with you all the time,” he continues, and I’m putty. “When I’m out and about, all I can think of is you. In the middle of practice, I stop and wonder what you’re doing. Every piece I play, I want to play with you. Every book I read, I want to read with you.”

“I don’t know why you’ve never been kissed.” “Because I’ve been waiting for you.”

“If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?” Chad asks, closing the pastry box. “I don’t know.” I shrug. “I love it here. My family is here. How about you?” “Anywhere we can play.” “We?” He turns to face me, scooting closer. Oh my God, he’s going to kiss me. I chew my bottom lip, my eyes wide open. I refuse to miss this moment. Raising his left hand, he leans in. “Yes, we.” Chad wipes the corner of my lip with his callused forefinger before placing it in his mouth, licking the custard. I want to be that finger right now.

I’m drunk on my first real kiss on our first date. I want Chad to have all my firsts. I know he is the only boy I’d give my heart to. Right here, right now, my heart is his. For always.

I’ve been yours since day one. It’s taken you three and half years to realize it.

Life is short. Life is tenuous. Life is uncertain. Time is precious. I have nothing to lose. Everything to lose.

“I love you,” I finally tell him. He rolls toward me again, takes both my hands and puts them on his chest. “You’re the first girl I’ve ever loved.” “You love me?” Beneath my palms, I feel his heart beating as fast as mine. His hand slides along my cheek and tucks my hair behind my ear. Inching closer, he presses his lips against mine, murmuring, “I love you, Aurelia.” Another kiss. “I love you so much.”

“Aurelia, you’re more than my forever friend. You’re more than my girlfriend. You are and will always be her. The person I love the most. No matter where we are in our lives, you’ll always be her. Never forget that,” Chad says, his eyes filled with promise. “I love you.”

I always imagined love was something you couldn’t easily push aside. But that’s exactly what he’s doing, treating me like a demanding piece of sheet music he’ll try to play later when he’s had more time to practice other things. Or like the dog-eared page of a book he’ll pick up again when he has the time. Maybe. If I’m the story that still interests him. Or the remaining chapters could just languish indefinitely on the shelf, forever stopped in the middle of a story. But I’m not some book. This is our story. And I’m not some piece of music he can push aside. This is our symphony.

How do you take a break from someone you love? “Aurelia?” The pool of tears behind my eyes spills down my face. I immediately turn my head away. I love him so much and love made me a fool. I knew he had ambitions. I just never thought Chad would choose them instead of me.

It’s taken me years to realize we can’t ask someone to love us when they don’t want to.”

“Sorry to break it to you, but this…” I point to my blotchy face. “This is what heartbreak looks like.”

Just because I’m young, it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the weight and anguish of a broken heart. Heartbreak doesn’t exclude youth. I’ve become the poster child for heartbreak. The pit is empty save for the girl whose grief seems to grow. How is it possible to grieve for someone whose heart still beats? How is it possible my heart is barely beating? I wish I’d known falling in love can lead to falling apart.

“Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to go to school anymore.”

“We meet the most important people in our lives when we don’t even know how much we need them.”

Chad reaches for my hand. “It’s been too long.” Yes, too long, but not enough time for me to get over you. And I’m sure I’ll never get over you.

I would’ve gladly competed against other girls for his heart. But I could never compete against his music and his ambition.

“You broke my heart.” “Yes, I broke your heart. But you broke all of me. To wake up one day, and not see you or hear your voice.” My heart snags on his words.

you promised me we’d always be friends. And you promised you’d always love me. That’s the thing about promises. They become impossible to believe after they’ve been broken so many times.

Even if I ran to the end of this world, I’d never be able to run away from love. Love clings to a beating heart. And mine still beats for Chad.

“I want to be yours again.” As his soft lips brush mine, the distinctive taste of cinnamon triggers the memory of our first kiss. The desperation to have him see me is back with a vengeance. I want you to see me. Not the girl you loved so many years ago, but the woman you’ll love for the rest of your life.

“What is the most important part of a violin?” he asks. “The body,” I answer, straightening my back. “The strings.” “No, dear.” He sounds like a teacher frustrated with a student. “The case. It protects the violin. The damage begins once the violin is exposed, losing its ability to perform. The more you play the violin, the more valuable the instrument becomes. But as it sits out in the open, exposed to the elements, nothing can protect it. Even an exposed Stradivarius can become nothing more than a useless piece of wood if it’s not protected with care.” I sit quietly, pondering his words. My eyes, now cast down, focus on my fidgeting hands. “Do you understand, Aurelia? I raise my head and all I see is determination etched in the maestro’s face. Moving his chest slightly forward, he tells me, “I am the case, my dear. I protect the violin. I protect my grandson.” Emil ducks his head so we’re seeing eye to eye. “Tell me you understand.”

“You, my dear, are the elements. The wind. The rain. The elements that can destroy my grandson’s future.” I shake my head, refusing to believe Emil. “I can help protect Chad,” I tell him. “I love your grandson. I want him to be the best. He is the best.” “But he isn’t the best as long as you’re in his life.”

“You love my grandson. Everyone does. I understand why. This hall here.” He looks around, his blue eyes appreciating the concert hall. “This is where the greats have performed. Only a few are great while the rest,” he says, pointing to me, “are there for the ride. The greatness you love in Chadwick is one you’ll never have. That’s why you love him.” Each word is a slap to my face. “Chadwick is our Mozart and you, my dear, are Salieri.” His voice is chilling and unaffected. His words wound me, slicing to the bone.

Instant throat punch

“You’re a musician,” Emil says, his voice flat. “Music is our daily bread. Our coffee. Our air. It’s what keeps us alive. But for Chadwick, it is more than that. It is his life. It is his first and only great love.” Emil is locked in his chair, unflinching. He stares down at me. “Life is made up of choices. But in this case, there isn’t one.”

“Please, Chad. I can’t do this anymore. I want…” I want you. I want us. I want to be with you always. Chad’s eyes latch onto mine, not wavering, intent on getting an answer. “Tell me what you want. Do you want me to return with you? Because I will.” The desperation in his voice will haunt me at night. I’ve never heard Chad like this. “You don’t mean that.” “I do.” He drops the crumpled letter to the floor and then raises my chin with his forefinger. “I’ll give it all up for you.”

“What’s not enough?” Chad asks, enunciating each word slowly. A broken heart is nothing compared to a broken man. This is the only way we can have a real future together. I close and open my eyes, praying for strength. The understanding in Chad’s eyes turns cold. For a moment, it is Emil who stares down at me. It is Emil’s hands steering me and Chad like a master puppeteer. “This is Chadwick’s moment. Give it to him now!” he says, his mouth thin with contempt, twisting with threat. His words carry truth; words I can’t ignore. “What’s not enough?” Chad asks again, his face an inch away from mine, his nostrils flared. Words have power. And I’m going to use them like artillery. Three words burst out of me like bullets intending to hurt. To damage. “You’re not enough,” I hear myself say, our hearts breaking beneath the lie. His entire body goes rigid, too surprised to move. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. Three heartbeats. He releases my hand, and I feel like I’ve lost a limb. He takes a step back. His head shakes from side to side, his eyes glaring at me like he’s never met me before. What have I done? Exactly what Emil wanted. Damage done.

“Leave, Aurelia. You’re good at it.” Leave him. Let him hate you for now. This is temporary. I slowly turn away from him and my head drops in shame, like the withering peony on the table.

Then Chad raises his head, his eyes red with pain. A broken smile across his face. Opening his bloodied fist, a solitary sapphire stone surrounded by diamonds rests on his palm. Sparkling.

😭😭😭

Aurelia—” “Yes?” “You’re still her,” he says. “You’ll always be her. The one I love the most.”

This moment is real. And nothing will ever make me forget it. The moment where hope dies, never to return. Sera’s new life with Chad flashes before my eyes. It’s the life I gave up so Chad could fulfill his dreams.

It’s been a whirlwind romance,” she says. Fucking whirlwind romance. I’ll show you whirlwind romance when I toss you and all the shit out the window.

I hate you, Chadwick David. And I realize I don’t hate him. I could never hate him. I just hate what he’s done to me. To us. We promised each other that if one of us were to fall in love with someone else, we wouldn’t hide it.

I’ve not only altered my future, I’ve altered Aurelia’s. I can’t tell her. It hurts too much to see the pain I’ve already caused her. “Just know how much I love you.” “You know what I do know? You’ll never have what we have with her. Do you think she’ll understand why you wake up in the middle of the night to play? Why your head is somewhere else during meals? Why you need to row in the morning? Or why you don’t listen to Wagner at times?” I shake my head, knowing I’ll never love anyone the way I love Aurelia. And no one will ever understand me like Aurelia.

I’ve spent all this time believing love would wait for me and Chad. I even made a deal with the devil.” I pour another glass of vodka and gulp it down like water. Someone forgot to tell me love skipped town a few years ago. “You were right. I waited too long. I lost him for good.” Agnes cries. “I feel like I’ve lost something too.” “What?” “The belief that true love exists.”

I read somewhere that every person is meant to be with someone. God placed us on Earth to love, to be loved, and to create. In this equation, God forgot about me. If I’m to love and to be loved, then why am I in front of a man I’d imagined an unimaginable future with? A man who consumes my heart even after his betrayal.

In another universe, I’d stop the wedding and claim Chad because he’s mine and will always be mine. I’d forget Sera will give him a child in less than nine months. A child Chad wants more than anything, including the woman who’s loved him for more than half her life.

Chad kisses Sera, his eyes locked on mine the entire time; they’re somber and apologetic. I’m sorry for everything. As the bride and groom walk out of the cathedral, Chad turns his head around. Our eyes meet again. I trap my bottom lip with my teeth and nod. Go ahead. Live a life without me.

Goodbye. A word we often say daily. A word I’ve become too familiar with. Goodbye. I refused to say mine until now. I had refused to let go … … of the boy who gave me my first kiss. … of the man I gave myself to. … of the man who broke me into pieces. Beethoven had loved a woman named Josephine. He actually watched her marry someone else twice. Poor Beethoven. I can’t even imagine going through this again since watching Chad marry someone once has destroyed me.

My heart is broken