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I’m standing in front of a large bronze mirror when Chad’s mother walks in. Renna closes and locks the door behind her. She smiles through pressed lips, then opens her arms wide. I move forward into them, allowing myself to be comforted. After only a few seconds and without warning, we both break down in tears, grieving together. For our loss.
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“I’m leaving for LA tomorrow,” I say. The words are rushed, as if afraid I’ll change my mind. “If you think I can be in the same city and watch you play house with Sera, then you don’t know how much I loved you. Still love you. Do you understand? I fear I’ll never get over you, and this hurts so much. I love you more than you can ever imagine.”
“This hurts so much.” “I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry for breaking your heart.” “This is more than breaking my heart.” “Aurelia,” he says with anguish. “This pain is unbearable,” I say, my heart faltering. Lost. “Seeing you with her. Hearing you say those vows. They should’ve been mine.” “Please forgive me.” I hear the grief in his voice as he rocks me gently. “Chad.” My voice cracks. “This is beyond what I can handle. There’s only so much my heart can take.” “I want you in my life,” he pleads. “I need you in my life.” “I can’t continue this…” “Us?” “It’s too painful to be near you.
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Even as I think there is no way I can keep my friendship with Chad, my mother’s words ring in my head: You forgive, Aurelia. That’s how you move on. You forgive Chad because you love him. It’s what you do when you love someone. You cast your pride aside. You allow all the wonderful memories, his beautiful qualities, all the things you love, to trump his mistakes. Even grave ones. Otherwise, you may lose out on having the most important person in your life. Then your heart will forget how to love.
Chad is the only one who can orchestrate the rhythm of my heart.
He leans so our foreheads touch. “If I could go back to that day when you said you didn’t want me… you didn’t want my love… I would’ve fought. I would’ve fought harder, made you see our love was worth the fight. Worth drawing a sword for. If I could go back, I would’ve fought anyone who came between us. And that includes my grandfather.”
never wanted you to live with regrets.” “But look at us now,” Chad says. Regrets are all we seem to carry with us.
“I can’t take back the past,” he says. “But I pray somehow, some way, you’ll forgive me and… you’ll stay in my life.” Tears spill from his eyes as he tilts my chin. “You are and will always be my great love.”
“Whenever, wherever, I’ll be there for you,” he says. “Whenever, wherever, I’ll be there for you too.” I mean every word.
Standing up, he stretches his hand out and I grasp it. It feels like home. A home I’m leaving. The realization his touch belongs to another woman forms an ache throughout my body, one I’ve never felt before. “I have to go,” he says, his voice lacking its usual confidence. My body feels foreign, my heart straying as I lead him to the door. “You did the right thing,” I say, barely a whisper. “Chadwick David, you’re going to be the most amazing father. This child will be blessed.” “Aurelia, I—” “I’ll be fine.” My voice sounds breakable. “You will be.” He presses his lips against my forehead and
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The saddest goodbye…Don't mind me, I'm just over here sobbing.
In order to create there must be a dynamic force, and what force is more potent than love? -Igor Stravinsky
If I’d been honest with Chad and with myself, I’d be holding our baby. I’d be the woman to breastfeed this child. I’d be the woman who gave Chad the greatest gift. Regret consumes me, suffocating me like a plastic bag over my head. I can’t breathe. I can’t feel anything but the shuddering in my heart. “Aurelia?” I shake my head, my lips sealed. He doesn’t say a word. He kisses the top of my temple several times because he knows nothing he can say can ever take away the pain of not being this baby’s mother. Chad sighs. “I’m sorry.” “How could you be sorry? Look at who I’m holding,” I say. “I
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My almost thirty-year-old self has learned it’s easy to let go of those who were a blip in my life. But it’s impossible to part with those who you love, even when they’ve broken your heart. And this baby is a part of the man I love.
When I was a little girl, in tears, Mom would stroke my hair and whisper, “This too shall pass.” But this—whatever this is—will never pass. Heartbreak is an incurable disease. At times, it’s dormant. Quiet. But you know it’s there, taunting as it lingers. Occasional flare-ups that intensify after periods of remission. I’m living with this disease, learning how to manage it. Own it.
I’m barely okay until he leans in and kisses Sera’s forehead. My heart plunges. If he didn’t love her a few months ago, he loves his wife now. That moment. That baby. That kiss on the forehead. They should have all been mine.
“There will be more great loves in your life.” “What if I don’t want more great loves?” I say. “I just want the one. The only one.” “Then you need to ask yourself, what are you willing to do? What will you sacrifice for that one great love?”
I’d like to pack a bag, walk out the door and magically arrive in the beautiful land of Away. Then I’m filled with sadness, because I’ve learned Away isn’t a place. You can go around the world, but whatever you’re trying to get away from comes with you in your suitcase. I flew to LA after Chad’s wedding, and after all this time, the baggage of memories remains by my side.
“Aurelia, for once, please tell me what you want.” “You know what I want?” I raise my voice. “I want you. I want what we should’ve had all these years. But that’s not going to happen. You’re married and you have obligations. I’m dealing with it.” “I want us,” Chad says, emphasizing each word. “You want us again?” “I’ll always want us.” I want us. I want you. I want everything with you. This time, I’ll never let you go.
“Thank you for always being my best friend,” I say, past the lump in my throat. “For always being there when I need you.” “I don’t want to be there when you need me.” He tightens his hold on me. “I want to be here, with you, for everything. I love you.” “I love you too.” I pull away from him and open the door. “I’ll always love you, but I won’t wait for you.”
May 18, 2004 My visit with Mr. Koser today brought me back to our first meeting. I thought you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I imagined kissing you in that theater. Holding your hand. Even copping a feel. When you left for your audition, I wanted to kick myself for not asking you out. But we were only thirteen. After I performed for the committee, I ran around looking for you. And when I saw you at the crowded cafeteria, I just knew. It didn’t take me years to see you, Aurelia. I always saw you. I was too afraid of losing you. And now, I’ve lost you. I miss you.
March 19, 2005 That first glance from across the aisle. That first shy and soft, unexpected smile. That first hesitant ‘hello.’ Somehow, all those firsts with you did the same thing. They changed my life forever.
“Let me ask you this,” Agnes says, serious. “When you’re ninety and in a rocking chair, who will rock next to you?” “You.” I wink. She rolls her eyes. “I’ll be in bed with a stud,” she says. “Close your eyes. Imagine that person. The one who will make you laugh and listen to your stories.” I don’t need to voice my answer. “Chad is your once-in-a-lifetime person,” Agnes says with understanding. “You love him. Don’t think for a minute I think it’s wrong.”
There’s something so special about the way a kid says he loves you. There’s no fear. No hesitation. The word love hasn’t been tainted with broken promises, missed opportunities, and regrets.
Denim blue eyes glare down at forest green ones, neither backing away. Strong shoulders back, broad chests out. Both men move forward, on the verge of lunging at each other. This could be the Cold War on the verge of going nuclear. Each one battles for my heart, although Chad had a head start almost two decades ago. They’re similar in so many ways. Handsome. Smart. Ambitious. Loving. They’re also very different. One is an architect, the other a musician. One loves to read blueprints, while the other loves to read sheet music and literature. One will take me home tonight. The other will
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A glint on his wrist captures my attention. My heart soars like an ascending arpeggio when I spot the watch I gave him for his twenty-fifth birthday. I notice another watch on his other wrist. His grandfather’s. Who else would wear two watches in performance? The boy I fell in love with, that’s who. He’ll always be an original with no care for the conventional.
I want you. I want what we had. I want to feel like we’ve never been apart. I want to feel like you’re the only man who has ever touched me. I’ve become my mother’s daughter. Like a link, we’re bound by more than blood. We’re bound by our skewed perception of love and fidelity.
“I noticed something tonight,” I tell him. “Yeah?” “You wear two wristwatches.” “You’ve just noticed that?” He sounds surprised. “I’ve been doing that for years.” “Why?” “Well, one tells the time zone I’m in. The other tells your time zone.” “Mine?” “Yes, yours. It’s comforting to know what time zone you’re in. Don’t ask me why because I don’t understand it myself.”
There are things in life we can’t control. One of them is the way we love someone. More importantly, the way someone loves us.
“Are you still married?” “I am, but—” he says, sadness marring his face. “I’ve always been yours.” Those four words unhinge me for a few seconds. “Well, I’m no longer yours,” I say, believing the words to be true. As I’m walking out, Chad calls after, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten all the dreams we’ve shared.” I look back. “I stopped dreaming as soon as you said ‘I do,’ to someone else.”
“I’m so proud of you. You’ve become the maestro.” “But that’s not who I am,” he tells me. “I’m the boy who fell in love with you at thirteen, loves you at thirty-three, and who will love you until his last dying breath.”
“I have to ask you to do something I never thought I would,” I say as I twist my engagement ring. “Tell me.” His voice is soft, his blue eyes watery and pleading. I also feel a sense of panic. Closing my eyes, I no longer see the man in front of me. Instead, it’s the man with green eyes waiting for me at my loft. Ready to make me his wife. Either I break the promise I made to Chad years ago, or I allow the promise to break what’s left of me. My heart drops to my feet when I say, “Please let me go.”
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No one ever told me we can grieve for the living.
There’s love and then there’s LOVE—the all-consuming I can’t live without you kind of love. The I can’t ever let him go kind of love.
I can love two men, but I can only be in love with one. And when you fall in love with your soulmate, you never fall out of love.
“You’ve reached that destination,” I say with awe and sadness. “It was never the destination. It was always the journey. And what’s a journey without the one you love?”
“There’s been a hole in my heart since I married Sera,” Chad says. “I had tried to fill it with concerts, tours, and recordings.” “But your performances have become legendary.” He shakes his head. “What is it?” I ask. “Don’t you get it?” “Get what?” “My greatest performance was hiding a broken heart.”
“You see, Aurelia, this is the deal. It’s your smile I see every time I close my eyes. I hear your laughter in every melody played.” His eyes are warm and filled with so much love. “It’s been like this for over twenty years and no matter what happens, I’ll continue to love you.” Every part of my being shouts with joy, yet I’m quiet, savoring his words. “I don’t want to ask if love will wait for us.” He raises my hand to his lips. “I’m tired of trying to cope with regret. I don’t want life to pass us by and find us sitting at some event, seats apart, miserable.” “What if it’s too late for us?”
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“Do you remember Dead Oscar?” I ask. “Your plant?” I nod. “I feared the way I had been with Oscar, you’d be with me,” I murmur, a slight ache in my chest. “You’d forget to care for me. Love me.” “How could you ever think that? “Because you let me go, Chad. You let me go.” “I have a confession to make,” he says, his eyes bright. “Seeing you at the restaurant wasn’t a coincidence. I’ve… I’ve been stalking you. I knew you were staying in Boston and—” “What?’ “It just so happens Agnes was more than generous in providing details of your whereabouts… your date.” A devilish smile crosses his face. “I
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I lost my heart when I found Aurelia. When I lost her, I lost myself.
Her sweaty hands press against my chest. She gazes down at the ink right above my heart. “Is that what I think it is?” she asks, breathless. I nod. Yes, that’s your name in bold letters. “Only you,” I say. “It’s always been you.”
“I don’t want to live in the past anymore. From this point on, it’s us. Again. And we’re going to do something we should have done years ago,” I say, kissing each fingertip. “What’s that?” “We’re going to wake up next to each other.” I kiss her palm. “For the rest of our lives.”
Nothing can bring back the last six years of my life. If it weren’t for Sera, I’d be married to the only woman I’ve ever loved. But I can’t forget my greatest joy. Astor. My son. One who isn’t mine.
“I’m not giving you a divorce.” “Why do you want to be married to me? The only thing we have in common is Astor.” “Because I won’t allow her to have everything!”
When I wished to sing of love, it turned to sorrow. And when I wished to sing of sorrow, it was transformed for me into love. -Franz Schubert
“You’re as essential as the air I breathe, the water I drink, the music I play. Without you, I’m barely breathing. Barely existing. I refuse to be without you.”
I’m playing the music I love, but this time, I’m playing for you. The man I love. An avalanche of tears streams down my face as I play Rachmaninoff’s Élégie. Each note reminds me of him—our love. The wonder in first love, the unexpected heartbreak, loss, and most of all, the beauty in pain.
My heart is heavy, yet my soul feels like it’s slipping away. A burning pain sears through me. The playlist I created for Chad ends. No more music. No more talking.
My baby. Chad’s baby. A young girl with blond hair and blue eyes appeared in my dreams. She sat at the edge of the concert stage. She smiled at me, revealing a grin similar to her father’s. With her violin, she performed Colombier’s Emmanuel. The music was so sad; it held my sorrow. Michel Colombier had written the piece after the passing of his young child. I cocooned myself in a ball, allowing the melody to comfort me. I cried myself to sleep, saying goodbye to my baby.
“You’ve broken my heart so many times, but this time… Your words… The way you see yourself… It’s shattering what’s left of my heart. I’m losing you—both the boy I loved and the man I’m with now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I need you to come back to me.”
“They say I’ve captured the world’s heart,” Chad says. “I only wanted to capture yours.”
