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December 3 - December 6, 2023
External pressure to mask can come in the form of direct advice or indirect scorn, which are more often targeted at little girls than at little boys who behave the same way.
I also learned that tiny movements, such as fidgeting with a pen, count as stimming because they provide sensory stimulation.
I thought communication was hard because I’m awkward and annoying. It’s actually hard because I put extraordinary effort into processing and analyzing words, meanwhile missing the hidden meanings in gestures and tone.
“My autistic kid rocks—colloquially and kinesthetically!”
Historically, in the DSM, autism has been defined by a list of behaviors. On closer examination, most of those are traits that a certain kind of mind exhibits under distress.
The DSM calls it “autism spectrum disorder” (ASD), but I prefer to call it “autistic distress.” It varies over time, based on the environment and the intensity of any co-occurring conditions. So, a person might qualify for a diagnosis of ASD at some points in life but not others, while remaining consistently autistic.
We often experience anxiety, and sometimes even trauma, from sensory shock and unexplained rejection.
Understanding how autism works, beyond just the DSM criteria, helped me to see my past in a new light—especially high school, where I felt that everyone perceived me as annoying and weird.
Autism gave me a more complete, more accurate self-image than the unflattering labels that I previously believed.
Why am I so precise and literal? Because autistic people deal with so much misunderstanding and miscommunication in areas that aren’t clearly defined, like tone. So when something is possible for me to clarify—like a homework assignment, or my own motives—then I feel driven to do so.
However, my favorite way to think of autism is this: I miss what others catch, and I catch what others miss.
As a child, I always wanted to scoop out the gunk. But I never did so, because it felt wasteful to discard something that everyone else treated as food.
If I’d explained how much I disliked tomato seeds, I’m sure my parents would have let me remove them. But little autistic girls are often more conscientious than other kids about doing what’s expected, so I never considered that possibility.
A benefit of avoiding sensory distress is that it increases my ability to handle everything else. When a situation gets easier on a sensory level, it gets easier on an intellectual level too.
Deeply feeling what others feel is, I believe, one of the greatest gifts autistic people have to offer the world.
Processing speed is different from processing ability. Sometimes, when a person realizes I have poor processing speed, they automatically assume I have poor processing ability.
It’s like they’ve never considered the possibility that a person can be both smart and slow.
I find that this lack of empathy is more common with phone calls than with audio recordings. People often say, “Just pick up the phone, it’s so much more efficient!”
I also need time to transition between places. Whenever I drive to a place where I’ll need to be social, I spend a few minutes alone in my parked car before I go in.
Even if there’s no need to leave the house, I still hardly get anything done for half a day before a scheduled call or visit.
My autism diagnosis states that I’m “without verbal impairment,” because that’s true 99% of the time. But once every hundred days or so, I get a day where talking is a hundred times harder.
My thoughts swarm around my head, fuzzy and uncatchable. A hug gathers them up, pauses their motion, and sets them down where I can see them.
For example, when I’m lying awake at night, I sometimes get a strong urge to rub my feet together like a cricket—so I do.
This is a paradox of autism: Too much stimulation can make my nervous system feel dysregulated, but so can too little. At best, dysregulation feels like something is not right—like I was born for cozy fires with friends, and I’m not living my destiny. At worst, it can feel like my whole world is falling apart.
When I’m already overstimulated, stimming calms me by drowning out the harsh feelings with nice, predictable ones. And when I’m understimulated, it awakens my senses to focus and be present.
Remember that beautiful trees have rough surfaces, and it’s safe for you to have them too.
I encouraged her to see the Internet as part of the real world, and treat online friendships as real friendships.
It becomes more of a problem when the effort is one-sided. Communicating across neurotypes is like communicating across cultures—one side shouldn’t have to constantly adapt everything about how they communicate just to be understood.
In that house, for the first time since childhood, I didn’t feel like an introvert. I got energy from being around people, because I didn’t feel the need to play a role—I could just be.
Carving up our communication, uncovering its deeper layers of precision, is a satisfying art form, as well as a safety net of mutual understanding.
This has been called the “Double Empathy Problem.” It’s not just a matter of personal comfort—people who share the same neurotype are able to interpret one another’s words more accurately.
It’s hard to do all that and also make eye contact and smile at people, so my default demeanor could easily be perceived as rude.
I wish I’d asked my teachers how long I should be spending on homework each night, then measured the actual time to see how it compared. Although many teachers appreciated my thoroughness and creativity, I’m certain that my homework time far exceeded their intentions, leaving me with less time than my classmates had for sleep and hobbies.
It’s often okay to skim text for answers to questions, instead of reading every word. It’s also okay to study until you feel confident you can get 90% on a test (or 80% or 70%), not 100%. And “try your best” doesn’t mean doing the maximum you can possibly imagine—it just means making a diligent effort.
Instead, I interpreted directions literally and followed them thoroughly, not reading between the lines to figure out what wasn’t necessary.
I probably work harder than I need to, because I haven’t mastered the art of what to prioritize and what to rush through or skip. I’m conscientious to a fault, because I can’t figure out when it’s safe not to be.
Speed limits are designed to be broken by up to 10 miles per hour—above that, the consequences begin. I want to learn the equivalent of those 10 miles in other areas of life.
For me, though, sharing an analogous story is an expression of empathy—a tangible proof to back up my claim that I can understand how someone feels.
For me, showing someone where they’re wrong feels like keeping them safe from the consequences of their mistake. It’s a collaborative pursuit of truth, not a power move.
Making suggestions can imply that a person was doing something wrong. Requesting something can imply that a person neglected to provide that thing already. Offering to help can imply that I don’t trust a person’s ability.
When I do something that gets misunderstood, my first instinct is to explain why.
But I couldn’t stand the idea of outright refusal. I was afraid of causing stress for others, and that fear kept me trapped.
Sometimes, refusal is the only message that will be understood.
But her story taught me that being misunderstood doesn’t mean I’m worth any less.
I guess no one expects identity as a reason for behavior, but it is. Being autistic deepens my focus on listening and processing, at the expense of calculating an acceptable level of eye contact.
meltdowns are a physical response, not a reaction to reason.
I gave myself permission to cry, and then time to recover.
A meltdown doesn’t always mean that I’m upset. Often, it simply means that I’m depleted.
THIS!!!
Unpack what surprises others about you, and you may discover hidden sensory needs.
Many autistics find eye contact painful. I usually don’t. It’s the multitasking that gets to me. I can only do two of these things at once: Look, listen, plan.
