What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

It’s pretty common for teachers to have one student read aloud while others follow along in the book, but it’s way too much multitasking for my brain. I can only listen if I’m not reading, I can only read if I’m not listening, and I can only track where the current reader is on the page if I’m neither reading nor listening to understand—only matching meaningless letters and sounds.

It would be better to say it takes me longer to see the forest, because first I see the trees.

I enjoy feeling feminine. But I hardly ever feel that way around neurotypical women, who tend to express femininity in ways that I find unnatural and unpleasant to imitate.

I identify as female, and I want to feel feminine—I just don’t want it to feel like a performance.

I think it’s important to recognize when a weakness is also a strength. That doesn’t mean I have to stop calling it a weakness—it can be both at once. But seeing the positive flipside lets me evaluate the trade-offs of change, and identify a balance to aim for, while feeling good about who I am in the meantime.

I now recognize that there’s a difference between “stretching my comfort zone” and ripping it open.

It’s easier to notice what bothers me if I observe how various activities affect my energy level. By “energy,” I mean more than just not feeling sleepy—I mean the power to take certain actions, like move or speak or work. Mine goes up and down. I can do most of the things that I want to, but only some of the time. When I can’t, it’s hard to convince people who’ve seen me do it before. Moreover, it’s hard to convince myself.

I push myself too hard when I assume that my current self is the same as my recent self. It’s not.

I’m trying to grow more attentive to who I am right now, not twisting it to fit my memory of yesterday.

Personally, my biggest energy drains are sensory overload, socializing, decisions, and ambiguity.

Ambiguity is huge for me.

my favorite way to recover is to lie sideways under a heavy blanket, and research something I’m curious about on my phone.

When I try to follow anti-procrastination tips from someone whose mind is very different from mine, it’s less likely to help, because procrastination is an outer behavior, not an inner experience.

I put off a task because I expect it to feel unpleasant. It helps to combine it with something I enjoy, like music or tea.

Why i watch tv while doing homework

I put off a task because I feel physically stuck when I try to begin.

There it is in words!

I put off a task because I don’t know where to begin.

I put off a task because the result might suck.

I put off a task because of what will happen after I’m done—usually another task. I may think I’m procrastinating the first task, but I’m actually procrastinating the second.

I put off a task because there’s always something more urgent clawing at my attention.

“I would find it easier with…” (Describe an accommodation that helps me.)

You’ve met someone who’s autistic and knows it. You’ve met someone who’s autistic and doesn’t know it. You’ve met someone who tries to hide their autism. You’ve met someone who wants to explain their autism, but lacks the time, the words, or the bravery.

I’m not great at reading between the lines. If you appreciate something about me, or need something, or have a suggestion, just say so.

Unpredictability is stressful. If you let me know your plans ahead of time, I can prepare for them.

I have trouble processing audio, so meetings and phone calls can feel draining for me. I need time before to prepare, and time after to recover.

Passive inclusion is when I walk in a room and nobody kicks me out—but active inclusion is when I walk in a room and people make space for me, physically open their circle to include me, welcome me by name, and catch me up on the current topic of conversation so that I have enough context to participate. The difference is night and day.

Sometimes, time away from school can be more beneficial than any possible improvements at school.

I think it’s important to notice when rejuvenation is more necessary than participation. This could come in the form of a vacation like mine, a “staycation,” or even a switch to homeschooling.

“Autism awareness” campaigns usually focus on spreading reminders that autism exists, but I wish there was more focus on how autistic people think, act, and feel.

There are many ways my life could have been better if I’d learned about autism earlier—but I don’t want to give the impression that everything was hard, or that my parents weren’t doing the best they could with the information they had. The main piece of information they were missing was that I was sometimes unable to do what they asked.

The pain of misunderstanding made getting in trouble even worse.

Any time you wonder if you did something wrong, remember that you were (and are) still learning their love language—and also doing a lot of things right.

Treating others as you’d like to be treated works if they want exactly what you want, but no two people think exactly alike. When possible, I prefer to treat others as they would like to be treated. A person’s neurotype can sometimes imply what they’re likely to prefer, but kindness requires curiosity about their individual preferences.

I enjoy the way textures feel on my skin, simultaneously calming and invigorating—especially tree bark under bare feet when I’m clambering up to a secret space that only I can reach, surrounded by a shelter all dappled in green and gold.

I would like to stop experiencing discomfort as a threat.

Discomfort and pain are easier for me to handle than the constant vigilance needed to prevent them—and the lingering sense of danger when they’re gone.

Accepting the beauty of my brain is hardest when I see myself on video. It puts a spotlight on ways of speaking and moving that I don’t notice from the inside, but that make me cringe when I observe them from the outside.

Beauty is only in the eye of the beholder—and so is cringe.

It took until my mid-twenties to learn that likability is a question of compatibility, not a question of identity.

If you decide that you want to change your actions to get a different reaction, I support you. But do it with the understanding that you’re trying to improve the relationship, not trying to fix yourself.

Your pain is valid. What they said shouldn’t hurt—did.

Your intentions are valid. What they said was malicious—wasn’t.

Your passions are valid. What they said isn’t...

Your boundaries are valid. What they said is...

Your life is valid. What they said is tragic—does...

Nothing about you is true just because they said so.

Diving past surface-level pleasantries to explore the depths of one another’s fascination.

Giving instructions that include every step, without making assumptions about what the listener already knows.

• I may request more support, as I recognize the cost of facing challenges alone.

I may react more suddenly to defend my eyes and ears from sights and sounds.

That’s what happens when others accept me, too. It enables me to embody the full spectrum of ways that autism colors my brain.

auditory processing disorder (APD),