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January 2 - March 11, 2023
Leaders are more powerful role models when they learn than when they teach. —ROSABETH MOSS KANTER
But more and more, we are tasked with the difficult job of balancing our emotions with a rational and deliberate thought process in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, if not in an actual crisis.
Adaptability, learning, innovation, and creativity are most challenging in high-stakes, uncertain situations—exactly when they are most needed.3 The human brain is wired to react to these situations with the exact opposite of learning and creativity, and this threatens to undermine our performance in the most critical moments.
Deliberate Calm is the solution. It is not a leadership style or behavior. Rather, it is a personal self-mastery practice that provides leaders with the awareness and skills to avoid reacting ineffectively and to instead choose the mode of thinking and acting that is most effective based on their current circumstances.
A recent meta-analysis of empirical studies found that adaptability and learning agility were the top predictors of individual leader performance and potential.
Practicing Deliberate Calm is more important than ever. Our world is changing rapidly, forcing us to deal with unprecedented levels of uncertainty and volatility, both individually and collectively.
Thankfully, it is possible to experience the Adaptive Zone differently—to expand, embrace ambiguity, open our minds to novel ideas and methods, learn something new, and even ultimately find new ways of learning.
This is a pivotal moment for Jeff. Janice’s question was a good one: “How are we going to get these numbers to where they need to be?” Jeff could have responded to this question in many different ways: by offering new solutions, by brainstorming with his boss, by saying he would brainstorm with his team and get back to Janice later, or by responding honestly, “I don’t know.” Jeff didn’t do any of these things. Instead, he reverted to the pattern of behavior that has served him well up until this point—to feel pressure, take it on his shoulders, and promise to fix it.
Yet, whether or not we are aware of it, these deeper, largely unconscious layers are constantly driving our visible behaviors.
If we want to navigate life better, become more likely to deliver desired results, shift unhelpful or ineffective patterns, and/or achieve our goals and aspirations, we must become aware of what is lying beneath the waterline, and address and often transform our hidden icebergs.
At the very moment when we most need to break free from our habitual patterns and creatively engage with an unfamiliar, complex, or uncertain situation and choose a new and innovative response, it is that very unfamiliarity, complexity, and lack of certainty that render us unable to do so.
In fact, it is possible that Jeff is working too hard. He is totally absorbed by what is going on at work, forgoes his regular evening jog and early bedtime, and spends late nights and weekends in his home office going over the numbers. When his family tries to engage him, he gets snappy and tells them that he has to work. But all of this hard work on Jeff’s part and on the part of his team isn’t leading to any results because it’s coming from a place of fear and stress instead of creativity, an open mind, and engagement. As time goes on, there is less trust and more fear and insecurity among
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Like Jeff, many leaders believe that the best way to motivate their people is to create a “burning platform,” a way of scaring them out of complacency. This can work to motivate people to do something that they already know how to do. But in a case like Jeff’s where his team must change their behavior, a burning platform tends to backfire (pun intended) because instilling fear drains their energy and keeps them reacting with old patterns instead of learning new behaviors.
We subconsciously react to uncertainty and change in our environments with behavior that we have experienced and learned in the past, missing opportunity after opportunity to continue learning and evolving in the face of challenges.
What if we could respond with the curiosity, creativity, and collaboration that novel circumstances require? This is exactly what we can gain from Deliberate Calm: Deliberate because it builds our awareness of both the external environment in which we are operating and our inner environment (our thoughts, feelings, mindsets, and beliefs) and how they impact each other, allowing us to act with a more neutral, objective situational awareness; Calm because with that awareness, we can pause under pressure and intentionally choose how to best respond and engage without being swept away by our
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When we are detached from our feelings and thoughts, however, we can observe ourselves having an experience and we can observe our feelings and thoughts. We still feel emotions, and we still may think negative or hurtful thoughts, but we can notice and accept our thoughts without fully identifying with them. In this state, we have feelings of failure instead of being a failure. We have feelings of anger instead of being angry.
This is a key skill for leaders: to read the external reality as objectively as possible, relate it to how we feel, reflect on the decisions that need to be made, and choose how to best respond and engage.
Others use these “coasting” situations to reflect, take stock, or passively explore and learn, such as while listening to an audiobook or podcast during a commute. This is a version of coasting that allows us to take a break and can also help us replenish our resources and bolster our awareness.
In each of these cases, the person in flow is working hard, but it doesn’t look hard. To the untrained eye, the athlete’s motions, the movement of the artist’s paintbrush, or the CEO’s speech appear effortless. In reality, we are extremely effortful in this state, but it is also gratifying to be completely engrossed in what we are doing and demonstrating the full extent of our expertise.
“The inner game takes place in the mind of the player, and it is played against such obstacles as lapses in concentration, nervousness, self-doubt and self-condemnation. In short, it is played to overcome all habits of mind which inhibit excellence in performance.”
Yet, as we will explore further, the natural human response to an uncertain, high-stakes situation is the exact opposite—to defend, protect, and revert back to what we already know. This gives rise to the adaptability paradox—the moment when we most need to transform and adapt (the high-stakes Adaptive Zone) is when our typical biological response is one of fear and protection, causing us to revert to old patterns instead of learning new ones.
We may not see situations clearly, fall into complacency, fail to meet challenges by hanging on to old, ineffective beliefs, or miss big opportunities because we cling to what feels comfortable and safe. Often, reverting to old behaviors only makes our current problems even worse.
Protection is the state we are in when we feel threatened, whether or not that potential threat is real or simply the way our brains and bodies interpret our current circumstances.
In a truly high-stakes Adaptive Zone situation, three elements work together to shift us deeper and deeper into protection. First, the situation is likely to include personal triggers, so we must be aware of and manage our own internal response. Second, there is a real challenge to contend with, which makes it even more important to be in a state of learning and more difficult to remain in this state. Finally, an Adaptive challenge is likely threatening not only to us but also to the people around us, so being a Deliberate Calm leader is more important—and more difficult—than ever.
This is normal. As we enter a state of protection, we hunker down, contract, and become primarily concerned with protecting our identities, opinions, stories, and inner logic.
When our inner resources are depleted because we don’t sleep enough, don’t eat well, or push ourselves too hard without recovery, our bodies become stressed. This makes us more likely to interpret external triggers as potentially threatening, which can more easily tip us over the edge into protection.
When we experience trauma or burnout, are in an immediate crisis, or remain in a state of protection for too long, we may enter a state of danger. This is an extreme stress response, and we typically respond by becoming either hyper-mobilized (an extreme version of the “fight” stress response) or hyper-immobilized (an extreme version of the “freeze” stress response).
The complicated truth according to this view is that we actually construct our own emotions, including fear.
When our brains receive information about something that matches with a previously experienced threat, we move into protection.
A large piece of Deliberate Calm is becoming aware of our personal narratives and getting ourselves into a state where we can offer ourselves alternative options.
What story am I telling myself about what is happening right now? •What story am I telling myself about what has happened in the past that led up to this moment? •What story am I telling myself about what might happen in the future as a result of this moment?
threatened at times, even in a safe and familiar environment. The problem, however, is that we cannot adapt or learn in this state, and we give up our leadership when we react with default behaviors instead of choosing the most appropriate response given our current context.
Over time, as we practice operating from our new mindsets, we can rewire our neural connections so that our new mindsets and beliefs are embedded into our more fluid and adaptable icebergs. And we can gain increasing awareness of what is lurking beneath the surface at any given moment.
This is a challenge we often experience with successful leaders. They have a proven success model that has worked so well for them in the past that they have a hard time questioning it until they realize that they are in the Adaptive Zone and need to try something new.
Daniel realized that he had been prioritizing knowing the answer above getting to an aligned vision and set of actions with the whole team.
In the study, the impact of purpose on mortality was even greater than lifestyle factors like drinking, smoking, and exercising. Many other studies have confirmed the role of purpose in creating positive health outcomes and a reduced risk of mortality as we age.
Frankl came to believe that maintaining a sense of meaning even in the darkest times plays a pivotal role in how we experience trauma and even in how likely we are to survive.
When we are able to tell ourselves that we are doing something difficult because it is serving a bigger and more important “why,” we anchor ourselves in a positive context and narrative that creates an inner sense of courage and safety.
In the face of change or turbulence, our purpose can act as an anchor that keeps us rooted to who we are and what we stand for. No matter what is going on around us, we are able to remain steady and constant as we look out at that dot on the horizon and remember where we are headed.
We define purpose as the intersection of where our passion meets the needs of the world.
What did you enjoy most when you were a child? Why did you enjoy it? •What are three to five core qualities you have always had? •Think back to one or two of the most challenging times in your life. Then ask yourself: ▪What did I learn from this? ▪Who did I become as a result? •Looking back over your life, what were one or two moments when you were truly fulfilled and able to show up as your best self? •What do you stand for? What are your top values? •What would you like to leave behind? ▪Looking ahead, what is the biggest possibility for you? What big questions are you currently facing?
Each morning, rate the following questions from 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree), and then add up your total score. 1. I slept very well last night. 2. I have clear, purposeful intentions for the day. 3. I am looking forward to the day’s activities. 4. I am optimistic about my future. 5. I feel vigorous and energetic. 6. My diet is healthy and well balanced. 7. I am experiencing very little fatigue or burnout. 8. I can focus on the things that matter most. 9. I feel connected to the important people in my life. If your score is below 30, it means that you are not fully
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Once you have an idea of what charges your battery and what depletes its charge, think about how you can better organize your days and weeks to maximize your battery power.
Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time. —RUTH BADER GINSBURG
Interestingly, at this level of awareness, we often view other people in the exact opposite way. When we observe others’ behavior, we see it as a reflection of their personality, their competence, their choices, or their character, even as we often attribute our own actions to our situation and circumstances. We judge ourselves on our intention yet we judge others on their behavior. In social psychology, this is called the fundamental attribution error.
As they say, feedback is a gift, and, as Simone experiences, the feedback that hurts the most is often the greatest gift of all. When the feedback we receive hits on something that we consciously or unconsciously know is true, we often feel an uncomfortable sting. If we pay attention, this discomfort is a sign that we have an opportunity to learn.
Receiving feedback, however, does not mean that we have to agree with or act on it. Think of feedback as a gift. If your aunt gives you an unattractive sweater as a holiday gift, you can accept it and thank her for it, but that doesn’t mean you have to wear it. That sweater may be a reflection of her taste and not really say anything about you. The person giving feedback is operating from their own invisible iceberg, so their perception is not objective, either.
But their feedback still might hold important information if we are open to hearing it. Even if we decide that a piece of feedback has been deeply skewed by the other person’s lens on reality, it can still be helpful to know that this other person (and potentially others) sees things this way. Therefore, there is really no such thing as unhelpful feedback, even if it is entirely inaccurate.
The bigger the shared understanding quadrant is between us and another person, the more effective that relationship has the potential to be. When we listen to feedback from others, we grow the shared understanding quadrant by shrinking the blind spot quadrant. And when we share openly about ourselves with others, we grow the shared understanding quadrant by shrinking the private or façade quadrant.
Cues from the body that we are shifting into protection can include tension building up in our shoulders, necks, or stomachs, trembling, sweaty palms, clenching our jaws, breathing from our chest as opposed to our belly, an increased heart rate, and shallow breathing. Cues from the mind that we are shifting into protection often include negative thoughts, particularly about other people, and defending our own truth. And cues from our own behavior that we are shifting into protection might include a change in our tone of voice, yelling, shutting down, and avoidance.
