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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Linda Hill
When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did. –Jill Blakeway
The friend, who once had a boisterous and gregarious personality, now seems quiet, insecure, self-conscious, and guarded, hinting that they may be mistreated in some way. But without any obvious signs of abuse, no one intervenes.
The worst part is that the victims in these sorts of relationships are either in deep denial that the problem is within the narcissist, or they’ve been made to believe all fault is theirs.
And even when the victim gathers enough courage to reach out to someone, they often aren’t believed, which keeps the victim under a controlling thumb.
This form of abusive relationship is one of the most difficult to end and to recover from because the very core of a person has been damaged, and it’s not discriminatory in any way.
Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better’, with little evidence to support it will ever arrive. –Ramani Durvasula
The term narcissism is used so often it’s true meaning gets confused. It’s most commonly related to people who have strong personalities, whose confidence borders on arrogance. Those individuals need to dominate the conversation even if the topics aren’t their strongest areas, and their egos influence their need to be the center of attention.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by the traits they display that revolve around their exaggerated view of self-importance.
Grandiose perspective of their accomplishments, talents, and capabilities
Display perfectionism in every area of their lives, and expect it from others
Need of constant attention and admiration, and no matter how much they receive it never seems to be enough
Focus on superficial things (e.g. appearance, possessions, social status, etc.)
Expectation of special treatment, even when it’s not deserved
Using manipulation and lying to get what they want, even if it means exploiting or taking advantage of others for their own wants
Deficit in their ability to regulate their self-esteem
Lack of emotional connection with others, and only associate with people they consider to be close to their own status
Lack of respect for personal boundaries
Lack of empathy
Lack of accountability for their actions, and negative reaction to criticism
Classic: This group is the stereotypical narcissists who openly and unapologetically display the above personality traits. They don’t see how their behavior is wrong or hurtful, and will actually point the finger elsewhere, deflecting all blame or wrongdoing on others.
Vulnerable: These individuals are also known as “closet narcissists” because although they still have beliefs of superiority, they are more introverted and avoid the spotlight.
Usually, they attach themselves to those who are considered popular and already receive special treatment, rather than actively seeking it out themselves. They get attention by playing the victim or through false generosity. In other words, they don’t give from the heart, they do it for the attention it gives them.
Communal: This one is a little sneakier to spot until you look at the person closely. These people seem to be strong advocates in the community or with specific charities but, in reality, they aren’t supporting a cause for humanitarian reasons but more for praise and acknowledgement. Underneath it all, such a person is trying to feed their misguided sense of self.
Malignant: Of all main categories, this group of narcissists are the most toxic and ruthless. These individuals are highly manipulative and seemingly get pleasure from exploiting others. This group is aggressive, controlling, deceitful, and will do anything to dominate. Worst of all, they feel no sense of remorse for anything they do.
Overt: This group practices methods that are out in the open for everyone to see. The classic and communal groups are always overt.
Covert: These narcissists are so good at hiding what they do, it makes it difficult for those in a relationship with them to convince others of the truth.
They’re sneaky and passive-aggressive in their approach and are able to manipulate without another person’s awareness at first. The vulnerable group is always covert.
Cerebral: The title hints at brain functioning, but individuals in this group see their intellect as superior—making them believe they’re more intelligent than everyone else. They monopolize the conversation, constantly prove how much they know, and interrupt when others try speaking.
Somatic: Individuals in this group are focused on their bodies, and judge others by their outward appearance. They are very likely to seek partners they can use as “shiny objects” to boost their visibility and popularity. They obsess about weight, physique, looks, and will criticize their partner—or others—for not meeting their standards.
Inverted: This subtype only relates to vulnerable or covert groups. These individuals are the wounded victims who blame everyone else for what they’ve gone through. They attach themselves to other narcissists to feel exceptional, and these people are most likely to have developed their personality from childhood trauma.
Sadistic: These individuals are strictly under the malignant main category. Those in this subtype tend to be compared to sociopathic or psychopathic mindsets in that they take great pleasure in other people’s pain. They thrive on humiliating, hurting and completely destroying other people’s self-worth,
Spiritual: These individuals tend to display a “holier than thou” mindset, and use religion and spirituality to shame others or justify their treatment of others.
Developing a insensitive disposition at a young age
Absorbing manipulative tactics from caregivers, siblings, or friends
Being overly praised for good behavior and highly belittled for bad behavior
Unclear boundaries or expectations
Unrealistically praised
Experiences of trauma, neglect, abandonment, or abuse in childhood
Inconsistent or unreliable caregiving
Highly overindulged by those around them growing up
Unrealistic focus placed on looks, body image, or capabilities
You can’t force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected. –Mohammad Rishad Sakhi
This group is more likely to stalk, make the victim look like the bad person, or attack the victim’s good nature or reputation just to twist the knife of pain. Remember they get a lot of pleasure from another’s suffering so any retaliation on the victim’s part won’t be let go. But don’t despair. There is both light and protection.
Love-Bombing: Before the narcissist can even get close enough to pull any tricks, they have to get the person of their focus to trust them.
They tell you that you aren’t remembering something right or that you’re plain out wrong when you know you are right.
They make you feel that your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to anyone else, either.
They withhold information, then act like they don’t know what you’re talking about.
They give you the silent treatment.
They make you doubt your own thoughts by questioning the validity of them.
They justify their actions because it’s for your own good.
