Give Me Peace

by M.K. Harper

Karley smiles, trying to infuse some lightness. I can’t wait for the day I can eat normally again. Everything I thought would happen if this day ever came has been a letdown. I didn’t get to run to my mom and have her make everything better, there’s no pizza in sight and the closest thing I've been given to a milkshake is this foamy, foul-smelling crap in front of me.

“Is this live? Does he know he’s being recorded?” I look at Roan, hoping my accusation wasn’t as blatant as it sounded. But I know what it’s like to be on the other end when you never gave consent to being filmed. Roan smiles sadly, his hand covering my good wrist and giving it a gentle squeeze. “He knows, Saylor. This is just one of the cameras we have placed around the property, and we were all in agreement to put a few inside. They’re only in the common areas, and if they make you uncomfortable, we’ll cut the feed if you decide to stay with us. Our job is mostly background work, but there’s always a chance someone could harbor a grudge. We know who comes and goes at all times, and that gives us an advantage should we ever need it.” I nibble at the dry skin on my bottom lip. That makes sense. And if I’m being honest with myself, it makes me feel a little better to know that if I stay with them, I’d be someplace secure.

I giggle, the sound slipping out unconsciously. Roan’s eyes widen, his grin filling his whole face as he watches me.

1st giggle/smile

“That good, huh?” He laughs, the sound making a tiny smile grace my lips. I can’t help but run my finger across them, wanting to feel the difference. We’re quiet for a while, but it’s not uncomfortable. The opposite, really. There’s no pressure to fill the silence; I can just be.

“Do you always bring your clients home for safe keeping?” I hope that doesn’t sound snotty. I’m genuinely curious how this typically works for them. “Never. You’d be the first. Any protection details we’ve worked have always taken place wherever the client resides,” he states emphatically.

I think I’ve been so open to having Lochlan and Roan around because I don’t want to be the only person in a room ever again.

Lochlan asked me to trust him, and I do—on a surface level. We put our faith in strangers every day, to some extent, with the expectation for them to be decent human beings. Cab drivers, blind dates…we constantly walk into situations under the assumption that we’re in good hands, but there’s no certainty. I never would’ve imagined that Liam Price was capable of the things he did to me. I know it could’ve been so much worse, but there’s still this disbelief that he harmed me at all. Having my trust broken so brutally, by someone I thought I knew, has left me questioning everything. But I think I’d feel better if I went with Lochlan.

I just hope this isn’t another one of those moments where I’m caving to everyone else’s wishes and discarding my own. That girl who aimed to please feels foreign, though. A part of me will always want to avoid conflict as much as possible, but no longer to the detriment of my own wellbeing. I’ve lost too much to allow anyone to walk all over me ever again.

“I got you some stuff.” Karley pulls out a Target bag and empties the contents onto the counter. “There’s deodorant, a razor, some shaving cream, toothbrush and toothpaste, and though I wasn’t certain of your preference, I decided to grab a few feminine items.”

I was rarely given anything like this, most of the time I’d have to make something work with extra toilet paper or an old rag. He’d rather I bleed all over myself than allow me any sort of comfort. But at least he wouldn’t touch me for a week. Unfortunately, I’ve never been regular and my periods tend come and go as they please. Most girls dread their time of the month, but for five years, I’ve coveted mine.

It’s the first time I’ve seen my own reflection since I was fourteen. I’ve been too nervous to look. My hair is so long it reaches the base of my spine. It’s still wet, so the blonde looks darker than usual. My eyes are the same bright blue they’ve always been, a trait I got from a father I barely remember, and my skin is pale from the years I’ve spent deprived of the sun. I was always tan, having grown up so close to the beach. Mom called me her little gingerbread. It’s alarming, seeing this person who’s me but somehow isn’t.

Saylor at 19 almost 20yrs old

Other than an iron deficiency, I’m otherwise healthy. Which is a miracle in itself.

Roan

she quiets the acidic thoughts plaguing me. I don’t feel the constant weight of regret or inadequacy. I have a purpose—to keep her safe—and I’m not going to let anything hinder that, especially my own bullshit.

And while some people are adamant that feelings shouldn’t interfere with your job in this line of work, I wholeheartedly disagree. They might be trained to protect Saylor with their lives, but if they’ve never been put in a position where they've had to make a decision like that, who’s to say how they’ll actually respond.

Kash has more issues than I’ve got brain cells, but he’s funny as shit and knows how to keep the heaviness at bay. That’s something I’ve always envied about him.

“His flight leaves at 1pm tomorrow, so he should be home by six. We haven’t even explained the situation to Saylor.” Loch groans, clearly stressed about the revelations to come. “In all fairness, there’s a lot we haven’t told Saylor. But we agreed it wasn’t the brightest idea to dump everything on her at once. That decision isn’t yours to bear on your own, Loch.”

My hand must have a mind of its own, because it’s once again wrapped around Saylor’s ankle.

“I imagine some asshole leaked that she’s being released today, so they're frothing at the mouth to get a fucking picture,” he snaps, pissed at the situation and the invasion of privacy. We knew it’d be a circus once the media caught wind of Saylor’s return. It’s not every day that a kid goes missing for five years and is found alive. This is a small town and word travels fast.

She hands her a pair of flip-flops so she has something for her feet. They speak quietly for a moment, and then Saylor gives the nurse a weak hug, but it still shocks the shit out of me that she’s the one who initiates the contact.

“Ms. Radley, I’m happy you chose to go with the guys, but if at any point you change your mind, give me a call. Lochlan has my number.” Saylor agrees, but all I’m thinking is there’s no chance in hell she’s changing her mind. I’ll buy her a dozen puppies if I have to. Whatever it takes to keep her happy and makes her stay.

She slides across the backseat, but my need to know that she’s safe and secure has me leaning over to buckle her in. She flinches at the sudden closeness, and it feels like a shotgun blast straight to the fucking chest.

I’d be pissed at him too if the roles were reversed. This isn’t the first time I’ve dropped the ball, and that sliver of self-doubt I’m so used to feeling tries to weasel its way back in. I’ve always been a heavy sleeper, which is why it took me a minute to process Saylor’s screams when she first woke up and that fuckwad cop was in her room. Then again

We need to learn her triggers, but I’m not sure Saylor even knows them all just yet. I have a sick feeling we’ll be discovering them the hard way.

My head has been a jumbled mess these past few days, but I can’t believe I overlooked the fact that Saylor has not a single thing to her name. It’s going to be an adjustment having her at the house. No one but the five of us has ever stepped foot into our home, and certainly no women. We built that place to be a sanctuary, filled it with everything we could possibly need so that we’d always have a safe spot to land. It represents security and reminds us of how far we’ve come.

Earlier, despite what Roan might think, my panic hadn’t stemmed from his nearness. I’d been on edge from the moment we stepped into the hallway. For some reason, it hadn’t registered for me that I’d yet to venture outside of my hospital room. I’d felt safe in there, with the rest of the world being held at arm’s length. But then we were moving, forced to rush our exit, leaving me no time to mentally prepare.

lost in my head, grappling with the fact that five fucking years have come and gone without me, when Roan scared me. I hadn’t seen him though, just movement that was directed at me. It could’ve been a fly, for all I knew. My reaction feels ridiculous now,

Roan moves closer, flanking my free side. Impulsively, I grab his hand. Partly because I’m nervous to meet new people, but also because I feel horrible for upsetting him earlier. He looked devastated by my reaction. His eyes find mine, a question swimming in the green depths, but I just squeeze his fingers. His lips twitch, a faint smirk tilting them upwards.

Lochlan opens the door to the room he said is mine, letting me walk in first. There’s a queen bed on the right wall, flanked by matching nightstands. The comforter is distinctly feminine, and there’s a plush rug covering half the floor. To my left I find a dresser, where several empty photo frames sit atop it. “We all have attached bathrooms.” Lochlan slides around me to open the door. It’s gorgeous, with a separate tub and shower, but I’m a bit overwhelmed with how nice everything is. I’ve gone from one extreme to another. “And this is the closet.” I glance inside, shocked not just from its size, but by the rows of brand-new clothing, their tags visible from where they hang.

“We’re on the beach?” I surge forward, nearly pressing my face to the slider as I soak in the sight before me. Sand dunes and grass somewhat obscure the view, but it’s impossible to miss the roll of the waves in the distance. “Can I go?” I swing around to Lochlan, my pulse thrumming with excitement. “You don’t need permission, Saylor.” He smiles sweetly. “You’re a grown woman.”

When I crest the small hill hiding the shoreline, I nearly cry. If it wouldn’t hurt so bad, I’d run the rest of the way. When my feet connect with the waves, I bask in the calmness, feeling truly free for the first time since being found.

Kash

I give Saylor a good ten minutes to herself before deciding she’s had enough alone time. With my rations replenished, I head for the beach and my new best friend. She’s sitting, her small form swallowed up by those hideous scrubs, while staring at the ocean. It’s a pretty sight, but it’s got nothing on her. I pull my phone from my shorts and snap a picture,

It’s not that I want to scare her, but I know firsthand what it feels like to jump at every little thing. There’s no way past it, only through it. You’ve gotta grow used to sudden movement and noises, and that won’t happen if everyone tiptoes around you all the time.

I’m happy to just sit here and steal glances of the girl I never thought I’d get to meet in the flesh. It’s surreal. I’ve spent too many nights to count wondering if Saylor was still out there, and if so, what god-awful shit was being done to her.

“Big fan of the ocean, huh?” I ask after a while, desperate to know more about her. The things only she can tell me, not what some file we’ve pieced together says. “The beach, actually.” She turns to me as she answers, her eyes so vivid in the sunlight. “I’m actually afraid of the ocean.”

“Could be that my dad died out there too,” she adds hesitantly. I know this, but only the basics, and I’d rather hear the story from her. “Yeah?” “It was a boating accident. I was only four, so I have no memory of it. I barely remember him, much less the day he died. Mom said he’d gone out to fish, but he never came home.

“The few memories I have are vague, so I think I missed the idea of him more than anything. It was harder for Mom. She had to bury an empty casket, accepting that she would never have any real closure.”

“God, no,” she shivers. “Pools are for swimming. We are not at the top of the food chain out there.” I laugh, soaking up every bit of this girl I can get. “My turn,” I blurt, making her look at me in confusion. “If we’re going to start this best friend thing off on the right foot, it’s only fair that I tell you something I love and hate as well.”

I think I just fell in love. Not in a sexual way. God, that’s…not something Saylor’s ready for just yet. But I’m ass over teakettle for who she is as a person. That’s the purest fucking thing anyone’s ever said to me, and I think she actually means it. Saylor’s the kind of loyal that would risk life and limb to flame roast bugs with me. And if I’m anywhere near that catastrophe waiting to happen, you can bet your ass it’ll involve bodily harm. In other words, she’s a fucking keeper.

I help keep her steady, but my free hand fists tighter with every pained exhale that leaves her lips. I know all too well how badly she’s hurting right now. I’ve got x-rays for days that paint a grim timeline of my years spent in hell. Some breaks were clean, while others never healed right because they weren’t treated properly to begin with. My right shoulder dislocates far easier than it should from the numerous times it’s been snapped out of place. But I’d still add to it, take on all of Saylor’s pain, if I could.

“Kade just came through the gate,” Krew fires off quickly, tossing a bomb at our feet. It’s silent for all of a second, then the panicking commences. Meltdowns are always better when we’re together.

Kade

If Krew thought I was going to spend half my day lounging at the hotel until it was time for my flight, then I've been giving him too much credit in the brains department. And the dude’s pretty fucking brilliant. There’s no such thing as relaxing if I’m not in the comfort of my own home.

For nearly a month, I’ve done nothing more than babysit some rockstar’s spoiled, twat of a daughter. The hours that girl keeps are ridiculous, bouncing from one night club to the next. I never did the party thing, so maybe that’s why my tolerance for her bullshit was at an all-time low. Who has that much energy?

Some days, I really question why I continue to put up with shit like this, but then I think of all I’ve gained and know I’d tolerate a hundred more Sabrina Vantworth’s to keep living this life I’ve been given. For someone like me, I never dreamed I’d have people I could count on, much less consider family. No one in my hometown of Pike’s Bay ever thought I’d amount to anything. After all the hell I raised, I can’t say I’m not shocked by my choice of job either. I’ve always been the person someone might need protection from, not the protector.

And everything I have now is a product of my regret. The bank account that’s no longer at risk of being in the negative, the buttery leather seats of my Audi, the family I’ve gained. Each one serves as a reminder that our actions have consequences. That there are no do-overs in life. So I spend my days trying to right my wrongs the only way I know how. I see her in every broken girl whose file comes across my desk. She’s not just a part of my story, she’s the story. It all began with her.

For so long, I tried to justify the things I did. I had a shit upbringing, blessed with parents who didn’t give one iota about the kid they made.

A little bit on Havok McKade aka Kade--childhood tormentor of Saylor who she tried to help, went to grade school and middle school together, around 6ft, ice blue eyes, natural near black hair but dyed silver now, colorful tattoos on tan skin, 2yrs older than Saylor so 21yrs old, calls her pretty girl or Say

Saylor had the life I wanted and I hated her for it. Only now, I realize it was never hate that I felt. I was just fucking jealous. Her mom would pack her a lunch every day, with little notes hidden inside for her to find, and mine screamed at me for daring to eat the last few stale crackers when I’d been starving. She was carefree and ignorant of the real world. She got to be a kid while I had to grow up way too fast and fend for myself. I wanted her to feel the way I felt. So I did everything I could to darken Saylor’s pristine little world.

It was the first time I’d ever seen a visible crack in the mask she wore. She put on a brave face, acting like my bullshit didn’t bother her, but not that day. She wasn’t quite so successful in hiding her hurt, and it didn’t feel nearly as good as I thought it would. Saylor’s eyes had filled with tears, those crystal orbs betraying her as she fought tooth and nail to appear unaffected. The things I’d said, on the front lawn of the school with everyone watching, will haunt me for the rest of my life. She’d embarrassed me, so I was ruthless with my words.