8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go

by Jay Shetty

Everyone wants the other person to be the one to back down and take responsibility, but if neither of you steps up, both of you might end up waiting indefinitely.

If things are heated, your partner may respond to the apology by saying “You should be sorry.” Taking responsibility means saying, “Yes, I should be, and I am.” And not getting defensive.

IMPORTANTEEEEE

address the real problem. Our anger is often misplaced:

Just because one person isn’t ready doesn’t mean they don’t love the other, and they should reassure their partner of this.

When we feel mean, we say things we don’t mean. We make permanent declarations based on a temporary emotion.

when we sit next to someone, we literally share their perspective of the world around us, which may help us to feel more empathy for them.

Share how you feel, not what you think of the other person.

“Ten percent of conflict is due to difference of opinion. Ninety percent is due to wrong tone of voice.”

Too often our communication puts the other person on the defensive. We accuse; we don’t inspire.

We think we need to establish what is right and wrong about our behavior, but answers don’t come from certainty or exaggeration. They come from clarity.

If all your language is oriented around yourself, you’re creating a divide.

When you say “I think,” it suggests that you hold a fixed stance, while “I feel” suggests that you’re describing your emotional reaction, which can evolve.

Try being direct and respectful rather than putting your loved one down for their failure to meet your need.

Well, if we don’t have time to communicate properly, we’ll need to make more time for more conflict.

At the end of this conversation, you should not promise that you will never do something again, unless you are truly able to make that promise. Instead, commit to what you will try to do.

Keep in mind that the goal of the productive argument isn’t to get a specific reaction or a positive response. What you’re looking for is a solution to the problem.

We grow through conflict by taking responsibility for our part in the issue, and we acknowledge our mistakes by apologizing.

Don’t qualify your apology with blame, explanations, or excuses. You already explained yourself when you were working through the issue. Now your focus is showing that you understand how you hurt your partner.

Examples of cracks in a relationship might be that you repeatedly break promises to change a behavior; or you consistently feel uncomfortable around one of their family members but don’t feel supported; or you feel like the relationship is on autopilot—you never talk anymore.

Abuse is any behavior that one partner uses to control the other, and control has no place in a relationship.

six categories of abuse: physical, emotional and verbal, sexual, financial, digital, and stalking.

You don’t have to instantly bail on the relationship if you realize you’re operating out of fear. First, try sharing more of who you truly are. Start to break those illusions.

Being judged in the short term is better than being stuck in the wrong situation for the long term.

Take notes!!!

To do the hard work ahead of exploring the meaning of the infidelity, you will need to build a foundation of commitment, caring, and compassionate communication.”

According to marriage and family therapist Jim Hutt, if the partner who was cheated on continues to punish and scold the other partner, the relationship is doomed.

Deserved sih

If you’re the one who cheated—don’t leave your relationship for another person. Leave for you. If you betray your partner, you haven’t taken the time to understand yourself.

Make sure that if you leave, it’s because you genuinely believe there is no future with your partner and that you would rather be alone than with them.

One of the reasons we avoid someone is that we don’t want to spend time hearing about their life. We no longer recognize what’s interesting about them because we haven’t connected for so long.

In order to fully evaluate this, ask yourself if there are people in your life that you do reach out to, people in your life that you’re excited to be around and excited to talk to. This will help you evaluate whether this is a widespread issue for you or whether it’s something that relates to this particular relationship. Also

You’ll know that your feelings toward your partner have permanently changed if you never l...

Of course, it may be that certain types of good news aren’t core to your partner’s values—they don’t have to be happy for you that you bought a new sweater—but in general you should feel that seeing you happy makes them happy and seeing you sad makes them want to comfort you.

I told her that in the same way a plant needs sun, water, soil, nutrients, and shelter, we need to keep tending our relationship for it to flourish over time. You may say, well, why don’t I just buy a new plant? But if you move on, you’d have to learn to water that plant every day too.

If you can’t generate a high vibration, it might be because you don’t have any new thoughts to share. You aren’t spending time developing yourself; you aren’t reading or absorbing new art or ideas.

Intimacy develops and thrives when we disclose more, when we try out ideas and let ourselves be vulnerable. This deepens our bond.

A shared experience lets us reflect, share our opinions, and see if we’re in agreement. We learn about each other and with each other.

According to the report, traveling helped people prioritize each other. When you get away together, you’re better able to set aside your other obligations and focus on each other.

Research shows that play is the mental state in which we learn best, and that play is essential for our mental health. When you attempt a new and challenging activity together in a space where success doesn’t matter, you can both let go and learn.

New activities are especially bonding when they take you out of your comfort zone, something daring or challenging, whatever that may be for you—whether it’s a bucket list item like skydiving, or jet-skiing, or conquering your fear of heights.

When you’ve lived through an experience together, it can show you how caring your partner is.

Perhaps you want to take a seminar on real estate or a gardening class. Don’t feel like you have to do exactly the same thing. You can each do your own thing, and then share your learning.

One last way to create intimacy: by expressing gratitude.

As we’ve already discussed, you should thank your partner for cooking for you. You should thank your partner for moving the car so that you could leave on time. You should thank your partner for calling to check in. You should thank your partner for putting gas in the car. You should thank your partner for changing the batteries in the smoke alarm. You should thank your partner for going back to the other room to turn out the lights before bed. Why would we not take these opportunities?

The more attention we pay to our partners, the more we appreciate their thoughtfulness and the more likely we are to respond in kind. When they feel appreciated, they are thankful for our thoughtfulness and likely to keep being thoughtful and to reciprocate the appreciation.

Love is imperfect, but that doesn’t mean we should stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Stagnation is never good—we should always be growing. But one way of growing is to accept things as they are.

The first question to ask yourself is: Do you love this person enough to deal with some discomfort as you work through the issue? If the answer is no, there is no way you can live with this issue no matter what, and it’s never going to change, then you simply don’t care for this person enough to work it out.

According to marriage and family therapist Dr. John Gottman, 69 percent of marriage conflicts are about ongoing problems and never get resolved.

Sometimes we give up because we’re not invested enough in the relationship to fight for it anymore. Sometimes we stop fighting because we’re exhausted by all our fruitless efforts to advocate for our own needs or point of view.

We want the kind of relationship where we know the other person has our back. Where we feel understood. Where we feel like we can talk about anything. We feel like we have to agree for there to be connection, but we can disagree and still connect. In fact, we need to disagree in order to connect.

Instead of saying, “You never come to my family dinners, you’re the worst!” he asks, “Why don’t you come to my family dinners?” He has to be aware that if he asks the question, he may have to accept painful feedback about his family. He resists being triggered. He listens without judging.

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