8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go

by Jay Shetty

This is a cycle we will repeat not just with one partner, but with pretty much everyone who plays an important role in our lives. This is the practice of love. Attraction Dreams Struggle and Growth Trust

Lust is governed more by testosterone and estrogen, whereas attraction includes dopamine (the reward chemical) and norepinephrine (the brain’s version of adrenaline, which when combined with dopamine can generate that feeling of euphoria around the target of our attraction).

Social scientists say that vulnerability leads to reciprocal, escalating self-disclosure. What this means is that over time, a couple begins to reveal vulnerabilities to each other—that’s the self-disclosure.

Sharing parts of yourself doesn’t mean baring your whole soul all at once. Sometimes, when we are caught up in the moment, we’re tempted to do that. But if we gradually unveil our personalities, values, and goals, we start to see if there is a connection.

Sometimes when we’re ready to share, we think it’s the right time for them to open up as well. But people do this at their own pace, in their own time.

Attraction leads to dreams. When our attraction to a person continues over time, we start to fantasize about the relationship that could develop. What adventures we could have with this person. What our life together would look like.

Any potential partner will come with a past, challenges, and possibly trauma, just as you do. You simply won’t find someone who ticks every box on your checklist.

How you handle your differences is more important than finding your similarities.

Rhythms and routines help us maintain a steady pace that lets us get to know each other gradually and genuinely.

The time and space we spend apart enhances the time we spend together.

Relatable soalnya gw ldr

We’re afraid to have conversations with a partner because we don’t want to put pressure on them or to be perceived as needy.

Bener bgt

Two different people from different households with their own beliefs, values, expectations, and dreams—there is no way this experiment can run smoothly. Love means that you value your partner enough to confront difficult areas.

Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us. It’s easier on your own, when there’s nobody around to question you or bear witness to your flaws, but that’s not why you’re in a relationship. Bringing awareness to your relationship is uncomfortable.

TOO RELATABLE ESP IN MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

We need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change, and work on doing better. This is where we grow as individuals and together.

This phase is very important when it comes to defining love. Because you either realize that something is a deal-breaker for you, or that you are willing to go through the growth that facing the issue involves. And if it’s the latter, you will come through the experience with a stronger, more resilient love.

Sometimes, we assume trust is binary: either we trust someone, or we don’t. But trust increases gradually through actions, thoughts, and words.

We shouldn’t trust someone instantly just because they’re kind to us. We give them our trust because little by little, day after day, we have shared more of ourselves and seen what they do with our honesty.

We trust people more when they make us feel safe, when they make healthy decisions, and when we feel like they conduct their life based on values that we agree with.

Physical trust is when you feel safe and cared for in their presence. They want to be with you, they’re present and attentive, and being around them feels good. Mental trust is when you trust their mind, their ideas, their thoughtfulness. You may not agree with every decision they make, but you trust the way they make decisions. Emotional trust is when you trust their values and who they are as a human. Do they treat you well? Are they supportive? Do you trust how they behave not just with you but with the other people in their life, from close friends to a waiter?

It’s impossible to have trust if there is dishonesty, secrets, or gaslighting. Trust builds very slowly and needs to be nurtured and sustained.

But trust fluctuates. If they fail to understand us or they mislead us or they betray us, our level of trust sinks and needs to be rebuilt. When we overcome a challenge together, trust grows again. We begin to trust them with our plans and dreams. And finally, we trust them enough to share our trauma with them.

Love brings us through all of these phases over and over again. We never stop deepening our faith in each other. We endlessly find our attraction renewed. We work to remove impurities. Love means that we’re happy to go through this cycle together.

To experience all that relationships have to offer means facing the challenges and rewards of every stage of love.

Psychology researcher Jeremy Dean at University College London says that typically we form our concept of how others see us based on how we see ourselves, which is inherently flawed.

Your partner is like a mirror held in front of you. This mirror isn’t meant to make you feel bad and shouldn’t have that effect. When you can’t hide from someone, this makes you more transparent and aware of what you need to work on. There is no judgment or force, but support and encouragement while you work on yourself.

We learn with someone when we try something new together and reflect on it afterward. We learn from someone when they have expertise they share with us or use to guide us. Learning through someone is the hardest. In living with another person’s mind, heart, and energy, we grow through observing their behavior toward us.

Being a guru for your partner doesn’t mean imparting wisdom to them (that sounds unpleasant, at best), but it does require patience, understanding, curiosity, creativity, and self-control.

I realized I didn’t want or need her to love me for my achievements. I didn’t need her to validate me. It’s easy to respect success. She was offering me something greater: her unconditional support and faith in me. That meant more than her celebrating my external success ever could.

Self-expansion theory says we’re motivated to partner with someone who brings to the relationship things we don’t already have, such as different skills (You know how to unclog a drain!), personality traits (You’re the life of the party!), and perspectives (You grew up overseas!). Our partner expands our sense of who we are because they expand the resources to which we have access.

This is why i want my soulmate to be someone who is far 'far' from me

But if you think your partner should do what you want when you want, I want to change how you look at your partner. That’s not a relationship, that’s ownership.

But a great relationship needs more than transactions. It needs growth. Love is not just compliance or trade. Love is working through it together.

You have to put effort into a relationship in order to get something out of it—but it’s not a vending machine. You can’t put in effort and expect an immediate, guaranteed reward. What you invest will have to be heartfelt and true, and what you receive will be illuminating.

This tells you the areas where you need to take the lead. If your partner never spends time in solitude, understand that this is something you’ll have to either accept or encourage them to start in ways that appeal to them. You might come up with activities that will help them spend time reflecting.

A guru doesn’t hesitate to play any position if it helps their student. There is no ego involved. The guru is honored and grateful to support another. A real guru doesn’t want power but empowers their partner.

When you lead by example, you come to understand how difficult it is to grow because you’re doing the hard work of growth yourself. This gives you compassion and empathy toward your partner rather than judgment and expectations.

We take pride in noticing our partner’s potential and urging them to fulfill it, but we don’t want to impose our goals on them.

We want to help them become the best version of the person they want to be. We support their dreams. We genuinely want to see them grow. But if we’re trying to get them to do something we think would be best for them, they’re not likely to trust our insights.

Remember, you are trying to nourish your partner’s joy. You highlight the good, you help create a path, you amplify their potential.

As a student, being open to the new means that when your partner makes suggestions, inviting you to explore new ground, you are receptive. If

Humility doesn’t mean to be meek and weak. It means being open to learning and honest with ourselves and others about our strengths and weaknesses.

Look for skills your partner has that you’ve never acknowledged. When you notice one, share it with them. This appreciation is nourishment for your partner’s strengths.

There are three steps to responding effectively when your partner shares an issue they have with you. First echo what they said, then say what you heard, explaining it back to them in your own words. Finally, when you’re sure that you both understand the issue at hand, tell them how you feel.

Notice and appreciate it when your partner is offering you help without reward or return. We don’t often stop to thank them for their constant presence, their willingness to help, and the simple, small things they do. Take time to thank them and notice what they get right and do well even if it seems simple and easy.

Remember your own personality, values, and goals. Don’t lose the thread of your own story. Spend time in solitude. Don’t cancel plans with friends and family. Pursue your own interests, not just your partner’s.

And if you are suffering in any of these ways but blame yourself, try asking yourself: Am I learning from this person? Are they learning from me? Is this the way I want to learn? If the answers are “no,” then deciding to leave is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and there are many organizations that can help you do so safely.

Dharma is the intersection of passion, expertise, and service. Living in your dharma means that you’ve connected your natural talents and interests with a need that exists in the universe.

Dharma is not so much about any particular activity—it’s more about why you do that activity,

Purpose insulates and protects our self-esteem, and research has connected high self-esteem to more satisfying relationships.

As Burrow says, “We are confronted with the ups and downs of life, but purpose is an active ingredient that helps us stay stable.” We bring that stability to one another.

People think that putting the other person first is a sign of love. We romanticize the idea of making sacrifices and devoting ourselves to another person, and there are beautiful ways to do so. But I’ve seen people who put their own purpose aside and years down the line feel lost or misled.