Between Us

by Mhairi McFarlane

Gina and Meredith got blasts of warmth; Roisin was furniture.

yikes

Joe’s self-image, if not much of his career, was based on his skill at a barbed observation and sparkling one-liners. Whisper it: Matt could do those too. He just didn’t make a deal of it. He casually chucked away for free what Joe cherished as his currency. Joe sensed competition, but worse than that, competition from someone who wasn’t bothering to compete with him.

Can success really change a person, though? she wondered. Maybe it only brings elements that were always there to the fore?

Nearly a decade on, it was as if their love was a neglected, autumn leaf–strewn swimming pool. It technically still existed, yet Joe had drained the water out, inch by inch. If you jumped into it, there was nothing there. You’d break your ankles.

She’d never met people who had stuck to her like this, who’d made her part of a gang.

Is a creeping yet unfocused conviction your relationship is a hollow sham sufficient cause to ditch an entire future timeline?

Roisin simply didn’t know if Joe Now was also Joe Then. If one became the other, overwrote him like an old videocassette. Or if the former version was still there, available to return to her, if she was patient. Until she’d figured it out, she couldn’t make a move.

“There is nothing worse on this blue planet than ‘team building,’” Matt said.

so real

Roisin felt sure that these two portraits would be less of a sequence, and more like bookends.

In a twisted way, Joe had done her a favor. He’d demonstrated a level of disregard she couldn’t ignore.

None of this fallout means anything, because my pain over this is absolutely nothing to you. Not compared to your career. This is merely an inconvenient difficulty to be managed, before you get to the real business of some brunch meeting with men in designer sunglasses in Los Angeles where no one eats the food.”

oof

She wondered how long it’d take for the wealth to be saved up. She wasn’t going to use her support of him for all those years as a weapon. Love was not meant to be balance transfers.

“I don’t think I know you anymore, to love you,”

Could she fall back in love with him? Not without his help.

There are two things to know about me. I don’t feel guilt. And I’ll do it again.

Yoooo im scared

It’s not about what society asks of him, it’s what he promised her.

PERIOD

“I’m so sorry, Roisin. How long’s it been, almost ten years? We care about you both. I know how pushed you must’ve been to do this.”

love good friends who understand

“I think . . . be clear in your own mind what you want. Or Joe will be clear in his mind what you want.”

PREACH

“It doesn’t sound a funny thing to experience, at all,” Matt said supportively. “You need your mum and dad to be your mum and dad.”

🥺🥺

She thought about how he didn’t date anyone he might end up liking, because he didn’t like himself.

I VOLUNTEER

jumped into her car, scrunching gravel as she departed Webberley like a bat out of hell, a bat who nevertheless didn’t want a speeding fine.

me lol

“Oof, okay. I’m starting to go mad, I think . . .”

The gaslighting is crazyyyy

She needed her heart to heal a little before she exposed herself to all that noise. She did tell Meredith and Gina, wondering if they were tiring of the one leg in, one leg out hokey-pokey of this separation, and explaining they were currently the only ones informed.

Oh the feeling of being a burden

She looked at Matt, and he saw her. His eyes traveled down to her dress, and suddenly it felt two sizes tighter and considerably more revealing than it had done before.

Eeeeeepp

Matt put his hand over hers and moved her arm down to her side, and her breathing stopped. A clear indication that Roisin had overstepped, and he felt awkward too. But . . . he didn’t let go of her hand? They stood looking out over the garden, their palms clasped together. In a little invisible game of raising the stakes, Roisin adjusted her hand inside his grip, interlocking their fingers. Matt responded by squeezing her hand. She squeezed back. What was going on? She felt incredible tension in parts of her body that were not her hand.

why am i screaming over holding hands?? this is why slow burn is an underrated trope i feel

Such close contact was a strange mixture of fireworks and security. That was it—that’s what Roisin had noticed during the hand-holding. It was completely natural, and yet wildly exotic at the same time. Exhilaratingly new and already familiar. He was a safe place, full of danger.

ahhhh

When Roisin glanced up, to her surprise, Matt was looking down at her with an intense seriousness. She’d almost call it “pained.” It was utterly unlike him. She realized they had been catapulted into A Moment Before Another Moment—this couldn’t be played off as horsing around when they gazed at each other with such obvious intensity. What did she do, or say, next? The answer was simple, and Roisin couldn’t believe she acted on it: she leaned up and kissed him.

Her feelings for Matthew McKenzie had arrived in two ways: gradually, then suddenly. Slow, but fast at the end.

same girl. same.

This is what he does. He’s a liar. A liar who lies in the moment, who says whatever will spring him from the trap. If you pick him up on inconsistencies later, the story will adapt and change shape. He scripts things to produce an effect in his audience. Personally and professionally.

read him for filth

“I’m saying, Matt, I’m yours, if you want me. I want you to be mine. I’m saying I think I’m in love with you.”

heart palpitations

Roisin wondered if she should say something else, but before she could, Matt stepped forward, wound his hands in her hair, and kissed her. She put her arms around his neck, thinking, If this is pure sympathy, I may as well get the most out of it. “For clarity, what does that mean?” she said, when they disentangled. “It means, You could’ve led with that,” Matt said, his face suffused with a joy she could honestly say she’d never seen. “Then I could’ve said, Well, that’s a coincidence. I’ve been in love with you the whole time.”

“I don’t think you need to hide behind anything to be liked,” Roisin said warmly. Matt squeezed her shoulder.

“Having never been part of a couple, I want to be so very coupley. Would you feel vomitous if I did things like write you cards with inspirational messages about my love, and put them in your work bag to find?”

i am actually dying

“Hah, no. We’d have been going out six years when you met. We were seventeen.”

i’m sorry…. what??

I thought we were fucking Emma and Dexter in One Day, and we were in fact Groundhog Day with fucking.”

Pleaseeeee

the tea was simply too piping hot for him to resist.

Me lol

“A very key thing about the sex I am having with Matt . . .” She let that bomb land and crater.

EAT HIM UP

“Go ask Matt McKenzie why you didn’t deserve to know.

NOOOOO

Roisin needed to stop punishing the people available to be punished, who might’ve made mistakes, but sincerely loved her back.

Sudden illness was like being torn from the normal world and hurled into an alternative universe.

Roisin grabbed him by the lapels, buried her face in his chest, and howled. He put his arms around her and held her tightly. “You’re okay.” He shushed her. “She’s going to be all right. You’re going to be all right.”

“She thinks those are the conditions for being loved, I guess. Partly because my dad was a shallow bastard in that regard. My brother’s long since fled the scene. He takes after my dad like that. And she wouldn’t tell her own daughter, I’m scared, I need your support.” Roisin stared at him in the gray early light. “I’m not going to make the same mistake. I called you because you’re the one person in the world I wanted to see.” Roisin smiled. “I’m not going to pretend to be more resilient than I am. I need you.” Matt smiled back.

🤧🤧

“I’ve been far too hard on you, McKenzie, and you’ve dealt with it with your typical generosity. Do you want to give that being-a-nauseating-couple thing another try?” Roisin said.

They stared into one another’s eyes and silently, mutually acknowledged the point they’d arrived at. This was the understanding you always hoped you’d find.