Underneath the Sycamore Tree

by B. Celeste

“Your shoes are hideous,” he states. Glancing down at my Toms, I click my heels together. After a few seconds, I lock eyes with him again. “So is your attitude.” He grins.

“Daddy issues can be hot.” My eyes narrow. “Stop talking.”

His head tilts. “Which of the ones you spoke of is your favorite? I couldn’t tell.” “My Sister’s Keeper.” He doesn’t ask why, yet I find myself explaining anyway. “I find that the books with the saddest endings are the best because they make us feel. We don’t always get a happily ever after no matter how hard we work for it.”

“I think I’ll call you Mouse.” “M-Mouse?” He grins. “You’re quiet like one.” Stunned speechless is more like it.

Pain comes in countless forms. The worst is seeing what your suffering does to everyone around you.

“Get in.” I blink. A car honks from behind him before passing, visibly irritated as they give us the finger like Kaiden isn’t pulled off to the side of the road. “Emery, get in the fucking car.”

“What’s wrong now?” I answer silently what my emotions won’t let me speak aloud. Lo was buried under a sycamore tree.

He scoffs. “Just get your ass into the kitchen. I’ll make you eggs or something.” My brows rise. “Don’t let it go to your head,” he informs me coolly. “I want an omelet, so I’ll make you something too. I won’t be your bitch boy again.”

Reality is ugly and painful and full of the kind of heartache that some books help you forget exist for a short period.

When “You Are My Sunshine” pops up on the screen at random shuffle, I get the answer to my question earlier. “I love you, Lo,” I whisper to the wind.

What’s your song, Kaiden?

“That’s just the thing, Mouse. I never wanted a sister. Least of all someone as damaged as you.”

The night before Lo passed away in her sleep, I held her hand as we curled up in her little bed. She told me I should pretend she was going away for an extended vacation.

There are lots of quotes about time. Time is fleeting. Time is valuable. Time shouldn’t be wasted. The trouble with time is that we only think we have it. It’s an illusion—an excuse to linger in existence. Some people use it to be reckless; others use it to hold themselves back.

I swallow. “I love it.” I love her. “I know you do,” he whispers.

“It turns the person you love more than anything in the world into somebody different. It isn’t just a physical transformation but a mental and emotional one. When it takes over, there’s very little in their control they can do.

Disease is the monster in the dark. It lingers, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It rears its ugly head and takes what it wants, when it wants.

“Do you miss her?” One of my lids pops open. “Who?” “Your sister.” “Every single day.”

“You don’t exactly like me, Kaiden.” His eyes pierce mine. “I don’t dislike you either, Mouse.”

“You have someone,” he murmurs. My brows pinch. He glances at my face. “You have me.”

Kaiden cusses and moves the laptop out of the way before turning his attention to me. “I can’t keep watching you fidget. It’s distracting me from this borderline-awful movie.” “You could pick something else.” “I’m invested now.”

“Frankly,” Kaiden murmurs in a tone so low it caresses my skin, “the only reason I’m not going to fuck you senseless is because I’ve seen what one little touch does. Imagine what I’d do to your body if I got between those pretty little legs of yours.” I stop breathing. “I’d ruin you, Em.”

Because he may not do labels, but I do. Like stepbrother. And stepmother. And fatal. Fatal attraction. Fatal affection. Fatal disease.

Wishes don’t come true though, because this isn’t some fairy tale. It’s reality. And reality is a mean bitch.

More tears. More anger. Not just at Kaiden. At life.

Someone shakes me. Someone calls my name. “Breathe,” a soft voice commands. Not Grandma’s. Mama’s.

“This isn’t a book,” I whisper to myself.

“I don’t want to die,” I whisper.

“You didn’t say goodbye,” he whispers. I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. “I was coming back.” His silence tells me what I already know. He doesn’t do well with goodbyes either.

He leans toward me. “I was worried about you, Em. That’s why.” His voice fades. The room fades. But his warmth lulls me to sleep.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It just means that it can no longer control our lives. I sincerely hope you remember that. I know a hurt soul when I see one, boy. You and Emery are one and the same, which means you’re also tough. It doesn’t matter what battle you’re fighting. It only matters that you’re willing to fight.”

He grins. It’s devious. All-knowing. It’s…Kaiden. “Just wait until it’s my cock, Mouse.”

I roll my eyes. “I read because I love books. Get your mind out of the gutter.” “Can’t. It’s a permanent residence.”

It won’t matter anyway, because Kaiden is…Kaiden. My Kaiden. The very person I need in my life to put things in perspective. Nobody compares.

I vomit as my hair is pulled back. Not by Annabel. By Mr. Nichols.

“I’m sorry I worried you.” His hold tightens. “You didn’t.” Rolling my eyes, I say, “It’s okay to be worried, you know. I won’t tell anyone. It can be our little secret.”

He keeps rubbing my arm. “I have the same disease, Kaiden.” His palm freezes.

The truth is you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

“I think when he got to a certain point, fear eluded him.” “Like he welcomed death?” I shake my head, stepping closer to him and putting my hand on his arm. “Welcomed relief, Kaiden.”

“Are you afraid?” Every single second, minute, and hour. I whisper, “Wouldn’t you be?”

“Sleeping with my stepsister?” he replies, unblinking. “Probably. Sleeping with Emery Matterson? A fighter? Someone who’s strong and resilient and doesn’t give in to my bullshit? No. I don’t think that’s stupid at all.”

“I think,” he whispers, his breath tickling me until I shiver, “that this is beyond us. It makes sense. Probably more sense than anything else.” “Why?” “Because we fit together.” We do? “Don’t you feel it?” he murmurs, nipping at my earlobe. My chest fills. My stomach flutters. Yes, I want to say. I’ve felt it for months.

“Don’t hide. You’re beautiful, Emery. You’re beautiful and you’re mine.”

Kaiden’s face turns pink. “Mom. Jesus.” Cam’s eyes widen as she stares at him.

“Wake up, baby.” “Go away, Kaiden,” I murmur, wanting to push him away. He usually lets me sleep when I need it, so I’m not sure why he’s being pushy now. A throat clears. “Not me, Mouse.”

“I’m happy, Mama.” I mean it. I hold her hand again. “Being here makes me happy. Now it’s time for you to be happy too.” That makes her smile. “I’m trying, Sunshine.” For once, I believe her.

But I know deep in my chest, without a shadow of a doubt, I’d miss it here more. I’d miss the banter. I’d miss the movie nights. I’d miss the late-night cuddles.

“For what it’s worth, you’re my best friend too, Mouse.”

Drawing back, he rests his forehead against mine and nudges my nose. “I love you too, Mouse.”

“When you’re tired, your eyes glaze over. Sometimes you’ll have bags under them. When you’re in pain, you’re tense, trying too hard to focus on anything else. Your shoulders are pulled back and you do everything not to move more than you need to.” He points toward my hands, which are tucked on my lap. “You make a fist like it’ll help combat things, then loosen them when you realize you’re only doing more damage. Want me to continue?” “Kaiden—” “That,” he says. “Your voice is lower, tired in a way that’s not just from exhaustion. I hate when I hear you talk like that, smiling at everyone who has no fucking clue.” I stare down at my hands. “I hate this for you, Em.”