When We Were

by Diana Elliot Graham

We had agreed to meet, there was nothing else to say. That’s not true, there is so much to say.

THERE WAS SO MUCH TO SAY

He isn’t there. Someone else is. With their laptop propped open and a coffee cup to the side of it, clearly that person has hunkered down and isn’t moving.

idk who this is but i hate you

That’s acceptable right? ‘Hi, how are you, please move because the love of my life is meeting me and my plan will go to shit if we can’t sit here.’

THAT IS ACCEPTABLE DO THAT SAY THAT

the times we met for coffee, he was always here first, and that fills me with different nerves than the ones that have been brewing.

reid no :(

despite what I want to hope for, this moment, this meeting, isn’t like the others. I can’t expect him to be here early, waiting with my coffee. Waiting with a smile that would knock me down. I can’t expect anything.

she was obsessed with his smile

I scan the small coffee shop, and find an empty table. It’s on the other side of the room, not in front of the window, but against the wall.

NOOO

Our table was drenched in light. The brightness from the sun shining through the window meant that even on the coldest mornings, I could still feel the warmth.

Maybe it was never the sun, maybe that...

MAYBE IT WAS NEVER THE SUN MAYBE IT WAS JUST HIM HE IS THE SUN

It’s illuminated by the artificial light overhead. No matter how much I want to sit across from him and pour myself into the space between us. To tell him what’s happened, how badly I want to watch him calculate the triple word score before jotting down the points. I want so much in this moment, but all of those things are trapped in a place that can’t be said.

:(((((((

hoping that he will recognize in some way that there’s more. I’ll give him the thread and he can pull it until I am unspooled completely and he can weave it into something beautiful like he did

I WISH

I hurried to order our coffees and take the available not-our-table table.

i hate that table

The laptop invader who had taken our table, stands and leaves! It’s not that I’m superstitious but it almost feels like a bad omen to be sitting anywhere else.

and I watch as his eyes land directly on our empty table. It’s almost as if he senses my presence behind him, he turns to look around the room, immediately making note of me and the not-our-table table.

this is the absolute worst timing ever

His smile is different, maybe forced, and I wonder if that’s how he feels. Forced to be here.

reid noooo :(

but I know it isn’t worth explaining.

ARDEN NO

There was something about him that I haven’t seen before or maybe it was that he isn’t letting me see it now, and that’s what’s different. Normally, his expression is transparent. Right now, it’s distant.

i hate it here i truly hate it here

And without the physical space remaining, he could only do what I have done for so long, keep the emotional space.

But he is still here. Less than two weeks after everything happened. He still showed up.

he will always show up for you

He’s the person I’ve been most looking forward to sharing this with.

“Usually, yes, but apparently, because of my extra courses, I am already classified as a sophomore.

she's so fucking smart

As much as I would like that to be me, to tell him that I miss him, that I’m sorry, that so much happened... I won’t put him in that position.

crying again

“I’ll also have enough credits for a minor in literature if I want it, maybe even Russian literature, or I could pick something like a focus on computer science or economics...”

she is brilliant

Not the ones I want to say, but ones that he seems willing to accept.

GOD

he seems to be loosening up. His nodding along became responding, which became interest, and we just flowed back into each other casually.

WE FLOWED SO EASILY

“Apparently, they never cared beyond my happiness, and I just never gave them the benefit of the doubt to think that they might.”

you deserve happiness

“I thought a lot about it, and I just think it will give me the chance to be so many different things, rather than just the one thing that everyone wanted me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be.”

putting herself first as she should

“You’ve never been just one thing, Arden. You’re incredible and will be incredible in whatever you choose.”

YES I AGREE

that he also has an offer for the company he’s been interning at all year, but he’s far more interested now in some of the other offers he has on the table.

YOU ARE NOT

made with my mom to travel, just her and me doing a tour of museums in Europe.

hmmm hmm hmmm the musuem mention again. is this significant? could this have anything to do with...?

Maybe there will be a time for us to try again, but I can tell it’s not now.

smile through the pain

“I’ve just finished this, you might like it.”

they <3

In the last months, we traded dozens of books and, in doing so, essentially ended up reading everything twice given that we experienced it for a second time when the other finally began.

we traded books we traded notes we traded i love yous

“My notes are in there,” I say, attempting to answer the question his actions asked.

SHE IS STILL LETTING HIM SEE HER NOTES

“I’m glad, they’re always my favorite part.” He sets it down, takes a breath, and breaks eye contact with the novel and looks at me.

SCREAMING

He had expressed no romantic inclination while sitting here, he expressed no interest in me beyond pleasantries. And while there are things I hope he’ll ask me, threads I offered for him to pull, his face tells me that’s not what’s coming.

NOOO

But tell me, why did you text? What is it you want?” It isn’t insensitive or impatient, it is genuine curiosity.

reid :( read the room

In the most intimate of ways. What do you want me to do to you? That answer always lit him on fire.

always asking her what she wanted

What do you want in the future? That answer was always the same, ‘more of this.’

crying

And when he asked me what I wanted out of our relationship, before I had called it a relationship, he offered me an alternative. He had offered me his friendship, and it felt sincere.

i knew that scene would come back and haunt me later

this moment, when I know I don’t have him, that there was no other part of him he wanted to give, I would take that, not in consolation, but knowing that his friendship, independent of anything else, was worth more than any other I had.

HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU ALL OF HIM TRUST ME HE DOES

want him. Maybe soon I won’t, but two weeks? But I know what he wants. Or rather what he doesn’t. I remember what he said that night. ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship like this.’

i can't say this enough - fuck josh

“I want us to be friends.” “Okay, AB. Let’s be friends.”

</3

we have found a middle. Somewhere we can exist right now. Maybe if the rest of the story is over, we can stay in the margins for just a bit longer like this. This can be it. We can be friends like this.

this quote.

And I slipped my hand into his. Not my right, not the one that would make it more transactional. Make it an agreement. But my left. I thought he might pull his away, but instead he stroked his thumb against the back of my hand, and we both just sit here, wordlessly in the moment.

Sitting with the resignation that when we walked away from this table, we would be walking away from the moments that had been like this.

These are our final ...

alexa play the story of us by taylor swift

“I have to go, I’m sorry I can’t stay longer.” “No, it’s fine, of course. I’m glad I got to see you before I left. I’m glad we can be friends.”

“We’ve always been friends, Arden. We can always be friends.” As we both stand, grabbing our newly exchanged books from the table, I take a step forward, as he steps to the side.

It’s incredible how quickly our bodies line up. Our breath, our heartbeats. But we step back, his hands lingering on my arms, as they often did when he wasn’t ready to let go.

HE DOESNT WANT TO LET GO YET

We will be friends. He’s right, we had been friends, even when we were more.