Heartsong (Green Creek, #3)

by T.J. Klune

I had a strange relationship with trees. My mother placed me in one moments before my father murdered her. I was six years old.

There were nights when we’d slept in an old car that she prayed over before she tried to start, saying, “Come on, please, God, just give me this.” She’d turn the key and the engine would sputter and sputter, and then it would catch, and she’d crow, slapping her hands against the steering wheel, grinning brightly at me as she said, “See? We’re okay. We’re okay!”

We had months. Months where we were stationary and it seemed like we had found a place to belong. We were like a tree, and our roots were growing into the dirt, getting stronger as the days went by. Our bed began to smell like us. It was nice. It didn’t last. Everything burned. I woke to the smell, and it wasn’t like shame. It was fire.

I heard the shouts of men. It was the first time I’d heard a male voice in a long while, because the Alpha didn’t allow men in her pack. She said she had no use for them and winked at me, telling me that I was going to be the exception.

Memories are funny things. I carried them like scars.

(i see you) I took a step back at the strange voice in my head.

“She snuck into the house and licked me while I was sleeping!” “She wanted you to smell like her. Nothing wrong with that.” I crossed my arms and sank low in my chair. “You’ve got a seriously skewed view of right and wrong. You don’t lick people when they haven’t asked for it.

“You’re important to me.” She said it stiffly, like she wasn’t used to expressing her emotions. Oh, Michelle cared about her pack, but sometimes her concern felt … mechanical. Almost perfunctory.

Memories can be funny things. They can come when you least expect them to. And when you need them most.

For a moment I thought I saw a wolf standing on the dirt pathway leading toward the house. I see you. Oh god, I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be seen so badly.

“Where’s your shadow?” “Fuck if I know.” He shook his head. “I ditched him in the woods. Figured it’d give me a few moments alone with you. He’s not going to be happy when he finds me, but fuck that guy. You know how hard it is to jerk off when a wolf is watching you?” I gaped at him. He rolled his eyes. “Don’t look so offended. We don’t have boundaries here. The quicker you learn—relearn—that, the better off we’ll be. It’s probably not healthy, but it works for us.” He paused. “Well, most of the time.” He shuddered. “I could have gone through the rest of my life without knowing Joe is a screamer.”

“I don’t like you.” He nodded. “Oh, sure. Most don’t. I tend to grow on people, though. Like a fungus. Give it time. You’ll love me soon enough. You did once. I can wait for it to happen again. I’m irresistible that way.”

Why don’t you let me out and I’ll do my best to make amends.” Carter squinted at me. “Are you hitting on me?” Jesus Christ. “No, Carter. I’m not hitting on you.”

He spoke as if each word was getting punched out of him. “Memories are all well and good, but they aren’t everything. You’re still you. You’re still the man I lo—” Words. Like grenades about to explode at my feet. Instead I picked them up and hurled them back. “I don’t love you.”

“I don’t know you. How the fuck could I love you? You have to see that. You said we were mates.” “We are—” “Then why don’t I feel you? Mate bonds connect two people. Two halves of the same whole. It’s a gift. A treasure. Something wonderful. And that’s not us. There’s nothing between us. For all I know, this mark I have was put there by your witch. That woman Jessie, she said Ezra put a glamour on me. Covered it up. What if there was nothing there to begin with? What if it was something Gordo did to me? To fuck with my head. To cause as much pain as possible.”

I groaned in relief. “None of that,” Ox muttered through the door. “You’ll have time later.” I almost fell down. Kelly stuck his head through the curtain. “All right?” Of course he couldn’t hear what Ox said—he was human. “I’m fine,” I snapped at him, pushing his head out and closing the curtain again. “Your Alpha is making insinuations.” “Knock it off, Ox!” “No!” Ox called back. “Fucking werewolves,” Kelly muttered before sitting back on the bench.

“I don’t know you.” “I know.” “I don’t want to.” “I know that too.” “Then why?” I demanded. “Why are you—” His head snapped up. “Because I love you. And I never forgot you. Even when everything was fucked up, even when it all turned to shit and blood was spilled, I did everything I could.”

“Then why the fuck was I still there?” I roared. “Why did it take you so goddamn long to come for me? If I meant as much to you as you say, if I meant anything to your fucking pack, then why did you leave me where I was?” He wiped his eyes as he sniffled. “Because you killed an Omega. A man who had come to us for help. You came back from your assignment and you tore him to pieces. Chris and Tanner tried to stop you, and you wouldn’t let them. Instead, you attacked them. Chris died. His heart stopped beating. I found you, your teeth in Tanner’s side, breaking his ribs as he begged for you to stop. I screamed at you. You looked at me like you didn’t know me. And then you were gone. The only reason Chris and Tanner are here at all is because Ox and Joe and Gordo managed to save them. It was almost too late for Chris, but he pulled through when Ox bit him. He and Tanner were human before you got to them. They’re wolves now because it was the only way to keep them alive. We thought you’d betrayed us. Like Osmond. Like Michelle. Like Richard Collins. Like Gordo’s father. That’s why we didn’t look for you at first. That’s why we didn’t come for you.”

“It’s still hysterical hearing someone so short trying to make big-boy threats.” He bumped me hard as he passed me by. “Keep working on it. Maybe one day I’ll be intimidated, but don’t hold your breath. Or maybe do and see how long it takes for you to pass out or die.” It felt like a start.

Kelly said, “I knew. The moment I saw you standing on the porch when we came back from hunting Richard Collins. I knew.” “Knew what?” “That you were my mate.”

“What do we do now?” He cocked his head. “Now? We try again. Maybe things won’t be the same, but you’re still you. Deep inside. You’re still the Robbie I know. And even if things don’t work out between us, even if we never get back to where we were, it’ll be okay because I’ll have you here. And that’s the most important thing.” He shrugged. “Who knows, maybe you’ll want to find someone else to—” I shook my head furiously. “No. I don’t—that’s not what I want. I don’t want that. I want…” I wanted a pack who loved me. Who trusted me. Who never wanted to let me go. Who missed me when I was gone. Who thought about me and smiled. I wanted a home.

I stopped in front of Kelly’s room. He was sleeping too. I placed my hand flat against the door. I whispered, “I won’t let anything happen to you. No matter what.” I laid the comforter on the floor, making a little nest. It wasn’t going to be comfortable; the floors were wood and the comforter was thin. But it would be enough for now. I lay down in front of Kelly’s door. Just for a few hours, I told myself. Just to make sure. As the night wore on, I listened to the sound of his heart, memorizing every beat and tick and stutter. At one point it sped up, as if he were dreaming. I told him that it was okay, it was all right now, he could sleep easy because I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He didn’t hear me, of course, but that didn’t matter. Anyone who tried to get to him would have to go through me.

“What makes a man?” Her face was covered in shadow. Her hand never left my hair. “If all he knows is stripped away, what is it that remains?” “I don’t know.” “I didn’t either until we found you again. I think I know the answer now. Would you like to hear it?” “Yes.” Almost more than anything. She said, “What remains is a broken heart shattered like so much glass. Pieces are missing, and the ones that are left don’t fit like they used to. But still it beats, because no matter what is taken away, no matter what is lost, it needs to continue. To survive. You are a survivor, Robbie. And not even magic can take that away from you.”

“Ever since Ox became…” “Werewolf Jesus?” I asked. He glared at me. “You need to stop listening to Carter.” “I’m trying,” I assured him. “But he makes it hard when he won’t stop talking. He’s suited for politics, if you think about it.”

Either you’re with us, or—” “I’m against you.” I felt sick. “No,” he said, not unkindly. “Or you stay out of our way. Because this will end one way or another. And we can’t have you standing between us and them. I don’t want you to get hurt.” “It’s too late for that,” I said bitterly.

I sat next to him, back against the tree trunk. Our shoulders brushed together every now and then, and I was working up the courage to lay my head on his shoulder. Pathetic, really.

Carter, in his infinite wisdom, told me that I needed to be like a bird of paradise, all bright colors and prancing around a nest I’d made out of sticks and feathers and leaves in a sensual dance sure to attract the attention of a mate. It was while I was collecting said sticks and feathers and leaves and trying to figure out what I could do about bright colors when Joe told me in no uncertain terms Carter was being a dick and under no circumstances should I listen to his advice ever again. Which was a relief, because I didn’t think I was very good at prancing or sensual dancing. Carter assured me I was very good at it as he tried to hand me the sticks I’d dropped. But then Joe tackled him, and that was that.

The sharpness of the blue around him faded slightly. It wasn’t much, but I wanted to howl at the moon because of it. I’d done that. Me. And then I had to go ruin it by saying, “Maybe you can ride me.” He choked. “Holy shit.” My stomach sank to my toes. “That’s not what I meant! Forget I said that.” “I don’t know if I can,” he said faintly. “That’s … wow. Just throwing that out there, huh? Dude, my mother is here. Whatever wolfy urge you’re having right now, maybe consider a little decorum.” “I mean when I shift!” “I’m really not into bestiality, Robbie. And that has nothing to do with me being ace. I just don’t want to touch your wolf dick. Please don’t mount me in front of our pack. Carter would never let me hear the end of it.”

I said, “I don’t know there’s anywhere else I’d rather be.” He bit back a smile, eyes on me, then away.

“You said that you didn’t think you could ever give up on me. That no matter how long it took, you would be there until I told you otherwise. That you weren’t going to push me for anything but you thought I should know that you had … intentions.” “Oh dear god,” I said in horror. “And that worked?” Kelly snorted, and I felt his hand on the back of mine. “Not quite. But what you said next did.” I looked over at him. “What did I say?” He was watching me with human eyes, and I thought I could love him. I saw how easy it could be. I didn’t, not yet, but oh, I wanted to. “You said you thought the world of me. That we’d been through so much and you couldn’t stand another day if I didn’t know that. You told me that you were a good wolf, a strong wolf, and if I’d only give you a chance, you’d make sure I’d never regret it.” I had to know. “Have you?” “No,” he whispered. “Not once. Not ever.”

How I ever could have forgotten this. Forgotten him. It had to have been the strongest magic the world had ever known. That was the only way I’d have ever left his side.

I said, “You’ve gotta hear me” and “you’ve gotta listen to me” and “Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, it doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter because no matter what happened, we’re still here. We’ve still found our way back. I know it’s not like it was, and I don’t know if it ever will be, but god, look at us. Look where we are. Even after everything. I don’t know you well yet, but I want to. And I don’t know that I’ve ever wanted anything more.”

“You said maybe it was for the best,” Kelly said. “That maybe this was the way things were going to be. That you needed to help Chris and Tanner before you could even consider helping anyone else. I didn’t need my Alpha, I needed my goddamn brother, and you said no.”

“That’s not fair,” Joe said, sounding shocked, as if he’d never heard his brother speak to him this way before. And for all I knew, he hadn’t. “Isn’t it?” Kelly asked. “Because it sounds to me like you’re making the same mistakes Dad did. Out of sight, out of mind. Isn’t that right, Gordo?”

“Aileen said we were broken. Divided. That we couldn’t hope to do anything about this unless we fixed what was wrong with us. And you’re all standing there after you’ve put a fucking bandage on a gushing wound and congratulating yourselves because of it. We can’t do this. We can’t keep going on this way.”

Chris and Tanner hesitated. They looked at each other, having a conversation without saying anything out loud. They nodded at the same time. They crossed the line of silver, approaching me warily, like they thought I would lash out at them. But they came anyway. They breathed a sigh of relief as Carter pulled them down next to him.

“I dreamed of this. All of us together again. And it hurt. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

I lay on my side away from him and barely flinched when I felt his hand on my waist. “No homo,” he said. Then, “Well, maybe some homo. I don’t even know anymore. And before someone says anything, shut up. Robbie, just so you know, my morning boner won’t be for you. Mostly.”

“I know you don’t remember, but you love cuddling with me. Promise. You always said as much. Pissed Kelly off to no end.” “Let me go, Carter.” “Nah,” he said easily. “Just a little bit longer. Need to get my scent on you some more. Make you smell like pack. Are you into watersports? That’d make things quicker if you are. I could just whip it out and— Oof!” He exhaled heavily into my neck as I elbowed him in the stomach as hard as I could. I turned to glare at him, and he was curled up, arms wrapped around his belly. “Not cool, dude,” he wheezed. “You gigantic dick. I was just trying to be your friend!” Chris appeared in the doorway to the basement. “You said you were going to piss on me!”

“You gonna just stay down?” Chris asked. “Yes,” I managed to say. “If it’s all the same to you, I think I’m okay where I’m at.” “Nah,” Tanner said. “I’m not done.” “Oh. Well, since you put it that way. Fuck you.”

Kelly fell in step beside me as we left the others behind. “You did good.” I snorted as I rubbed my neck. “I got my ass kicked.” “You did good at getting your ass kicked.”

“Carter’s always aware of where Kelly is. He turns to Kelly whenever he enters a room. I don’t think he knows it. It’s just…” “Instinct,” Ox said. “Yeah. Or something close.”

I think it’s going to come down to one simple edict. If they’re not with us, then they’re against us. And if they’re against us, then God help them.”

They were angry, Robbie. After what happened with Chris and Tanner. But when it came down to it, when we found our chance to move on you, every single person in this pack didn’t hesitate. You’re ours. We’re all a little fucked up, and we make mistakes, but when it counts, we’re together.” He sighed. “I’m just sorry it didn’t happen sooner. You deserved better from me as your Alpha. And as your brother.” I flung myself at him, and he caught me effortlessly. His hand came to the back of my head as he held me close, whispering in my ear that I was home, home, home, and he would never let me go again. None of them would. He loved me, he loved me, he loved me, and I squeezed my eyes shut, letting it wash over me, that little voice in the back of my head whispering packpackpack.

“Would you have…” I couldn’t finish. But he knew. “Taken the bite anyway?” Tanner asked. “Maybe. One day. Getting older sucks. My back always hurt from working in the garage, and my eyesight was getting pretty bad.” “I knew it,” Chris said. “You were always squinting at everything.” Tanner shrugged. “Now I don’t have to worry about it. Sure, I mean, I have to turn into a slobbering giant every time there’s a full moon, and I accidentally hunted a deer and was eating it raw before I realized what I was doing, but I can punch through walls now, so it’s pretty much a fair trade-off.”

“So. We forgive you for the whole rawr-I’m-going-to-maul-you thing. And in return, you can forgive us for taking so long to rescue you like the damsel in distress you are.” “It’s not that easy.” “Why can’t it be?” Chris asked. “Because I don’t know if I can forgive myself.” I closed my eyes. “And what happens if we get my memories back? I’ll have to relive what I did to you.”

“But I think that’s a small price to pay, don’t you? Because the human version of me was pretty awesome, and I want you to remember me in all my glory. Oh, and Kelly too, but let’s pretend I’m what’s important right now.” “You are,” I whispered, and he leaned into it when I carefully put my hand into his hair.

I was slightly shocked how easy it was for me to think of Kelly as just that. As a mate. I knew what he was. I had his mark on my body. And he had mine.

“I’m afraid we’re out of soup,” and I swore she was trying to keep from laughing like the others. “I haven’t had a chance to get to the store in a few days. Robbie, perhaps you’d like to—” “On it,” I said, because goddammit, I was going to provide. I was going to take care of him. And it had absolutely nothing with wanting to flee the room in order to keep from throwing Kelly over my shoulder and carrying him away so that nothing could hurt him ever again. “I can buy soup.” Then, “Crap. I don’t have money.”

I turned back to Kelly. He looked up at me with glazed eyes. “I’ll save you,” I promised him. “Just hold on. I am going to bring you so much soup, you won’t even believe it.”