More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
In my group, I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives.
I saw people who constantly gave to others but didn’t know how to receive. I saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything. I saw some give until they gave up.
women who were experts at taking care of everyone around them, yet these women doubted their ability to care for themselves.
Most codependents were obsessed with other people. With great precision and detail, they could recite long lists of the other person’s deeds and misdeeds: what they thought, felt, did, and said; and what they didn’t think, feel, do, and say. The codependents knew what the other person should and shouldn’t do. And they wondered extensively why they did or didn’t do it.
Yet these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn’t see themselves. They didn’t know what they were feeling. They weren’t sure what they thought. And they didn’t know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems—if, indeed, they had any problems other than the other person.
Codependents aren’t crazier or sicker than alcoholics, but they hurt as much or more.
I’ve since learned to let his behavior reflect on him and not take it on myself.
He had a compulsion to drink and screw around; he’d lost control. I had a compulsion to control him; I’d lost control too.
“If my husband is happy, and I feel responsible for that, then I’m happy. If he’s upset, I often feel responsible for that too. Then I become anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if I can’t. And he gets angry with me for trying.
codependency is “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”2
“those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”3
unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships.9 These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations (e.g., we are all human, vulnerable, and imperfect); selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.
A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.
Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act.
It’s normal to react to stress. But it’s heroic and lifesaving to learn how not to react and to act in healthier ways.
recovery from codependency is exciting. It’s liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our innate power to think, feel, and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love—some of the good stuff we’ve all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy. And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with.
Recovery is not only fun, it’s simple. It’s not always easy, but it is simple. It’s based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned: we’re all responsible for ourselves.
Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves.
Detachment is based on the premises that everyone is responsible for themselves, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.
Detachment involves living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.
We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.
We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.
Leave things alone, and let people be who they are.
We don’t have to react.
Learn to recognize when you’re reacting, when you’re allowing someone or something to yank your chain.
Make yourself comfortable. When you recognize that you’re having a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace.
Examine what happened.
Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state.
We cannot change people.
For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all you can do, it’s time to detach.
Any acts that help a substance abuser continue abusing, prevent the abuser from suffering consequences, or in any way make it easier for a substance abuser to continue abusing are considered enabling behaviors.
People resent being told or shown they are incompetent, no matter how loudly they plead incompetency.
As caretakers, we allow people to victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people.
We haven’t learned to say, “It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?” We’ve learned to say, “Here. Let me do that for you.”
I believe acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what we are doing, and the person we are doing it for.
Learn to depend on yourself. Maybe other people haven’t been there for you, but you can start being there for you.
Strive for undependence. Begin examining the ways you’re dependent on the people around you. Start taking care of yourself,
If I make one point in this book, I hope it’s this: The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs.
astounding truth: few situations in life are ever improved by depriving ourselves of what we need.
“Each time you learn to act as if you are valuable, not desperate, it gets easier to repeat that new behavior in the future,
Invite emotions into your life. Then make a commitment to take gentle, loving care of them. Feel your feelings. Trust your feelings; trust yourself. You are wiser than you think.
We’re that angry because anybody in their right mind would be that angry.
We have every right to feel anger. We have every right to feel as angry as we feel. So do other people. But we also have a responsibility—primarily to ourselves—to deal with our anger appropriately.
Much anger comes from unmet needs. One quick way to resolve anger is to stop screaming at the person you’re angry with, figure out what you need from them, and simply ask for that. If they won’t or can’t give it to you, figure out what you need to do next to take care of yourself.
The following suggestions may help you gain confidence in your power to think and reason:
Develop faith in the ebb and flow and general goodness of life. Problems arise. Problems get solved. Wants and needs come into awareness. Wants and needs get met. Dreams are born. Dreams are reached. Things happen. Good things happen. Then, more problems arise. But it’s all okay.
We can refuse to talk to someone’s illness. Or their crazy. If it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense.
learn to say, “I’m sorry you’re having that problem.” Then, let it go. You don’t have to fix it.
We can discuss our feelings and problems without expecting people to rescue us too. We can settle for being heard. That’s probably all we ever wanted anyway.
We can’t change things we can’t control, and trying to do that will make us crazy.
