The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness

by Robert Waldinger

Emotion is usually a sign that there is something important going on for you; if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be feeling anything.

is it I’m assuming here?

Never assume, because when you assume, you make an ass of u and me.

Why am I feeling this way? Where are

these emotions coming from? What is really at stake? What is so challenging for me about this situation?

Slowing down can allow us to consider possibilities and think about the likelihood of success for those possibilities: Given what’s at stake and the resources at my disposal, what can I do in this situation? What would be a good outcome here? And what is the likelihood

that things will go well if I respond this way instead of that way?

“The world we live in is the world we create.”

No two relationships are the same, but one person will often get stuck in similar places in different relationships. The old saying, “We’re always fighting the last battle,” is very true. We tend to think that the thing that happened to us before is about to happen again, whether that is the case or not.

At their core, feelings of stuckness come from patterns in our lives. Some patterns help us navigate life efficiently and quickly, but others may lead us to respond in ways that don’t serve us well.

These patterns may include spending time with the wrong people—the wrong friends, and...

Far from being random, these patterns often reflect areas of preoccupation and struggles from our past, which in a way feel like home. They are like a set of familiar dance steps that we fall into. A familiar sensation, even if it’s negative, is activated in a conversation with someone, and there is...

The Harvard Study teaches us that it’s crucial to lean on those relationships that can hold us up when things go sideways,

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability.… To be alive is to be vulnerable.

In Plato’s Symposium, Aristophanes gives a speech about the origin of human beings. In the beginning, he says, every human had four legs, four arms, and two heads. They were strong and ambitious creatures. Zeus, in order to diminish their fearsome powers, split them all down the middle. Now, walking on only two legs, every human is in search of their other half. “ ‘Love,’ ” Plato says, “is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete.”

The child seeks contact during this “reunion” because she views her caregiver as a source of love and safety and also feels deserving of that love. A child who displays this sort of attachment behavior is considered securely attached.

Like every child who has been separated from their parent, each of us longs for a sense of security, or what psychologists call a secure base of attachment.

holding hands with someone they felt close to calmed the activity in the fear centers of participants’ brains, and diminished their anxiety.

Luckily, at the very root of all intimate attachment, regardless of our age, there is a different kind of diagnostic tool that each of us can access just by paying attention: Emotion.

emotions are a signal that there are matters of significance to us at play, and they are especially revealing when it comes to intimate relationships.

Emotions are a kind of depth indicator for a relationship. Most of the time we are swimming near the surface of life, interacting with our partners and going about the daily business of living.

The underlying emotional currents are buried a bit deeper, in the dark of the water.

Emotions drive relationships, and noticing them matters.

Empathy and affection.

if a couple can cultivate a bedrock of affection and empathy (meaning curiosity and the willingness to listen), their bond will be more stable and enduring.

even the best relationships are susceptible to decay. Just as trees need water, intimate relationships are living things, and as the seasons of life pass they can’t be left to fend for themselves. They need attention, and nourishment.

relationships (and especially intimate relationships) play a crucial role in how satisfied we are at any particular moment in life.

How do our close relationships get weighted down with so much expectation? Sometimes the reason has less to do with the relationship and more to do with waning connections in other parts of our lives.

The intimate relationship becomes like a sponge, soaking up whatever failed expectation happens to be lying around.

intimate relationships can be an incredible source of sustenance for our minds and bodies. But there are limits to what they can do. If we want to give a relationship the best chance of success, we have to support it by sustaining other parts of our lives. Our partners may in fact be our better halves, but they can’t, by themselves, make us whole.

“Catch” your partner being kind. What

Step out of old routines.

So when you bump up against something about your partner that bothers you, before reacting, pause to watch, and take note of your reactions and what you are thinking. Then interpret your feelings and try to make sense of what’s going on. Ask: Why is this issue important to me? What exactly is my view? Where does it come from? Is this something I learned from my family growing up? Something I learned from previous relationships? Something that was emphasized in my religious training? Then, the harder part: try to step into your partner’s shoes. Why is my partner having such a strong reaction, behaving in this particular way, thinking this particular thing? Why might it be important to my partner and where might my partner have learned this? Where is it coming from? Sometimes it’s difficult to start conversations about challenging topics, and difficult to move interactions in a new direction.

critical link between childhood experience and positive adult social connections is our ability to process emotions.

Over a lifetime of experience, Neal developed his ability to reflect on whatever might happen to him and to consider his own emotions before acting. He was able to step back, acknowledge his challenges, and give himself the space to find a path forward.

There is a Western idea, particularly in the United States, that we ought to be able to conquer all problems. If a problem doesn’t seem conquerable, the response is often to turn away entirely. The choices become: I must do everything, or I can’t do anything.

Corrective experiences aren’t just a matter of luck, either. Opportunities to shift our view of the world are arriving all the time—most of them simply pass us by. We are often too tunneled into our own expectations and personal opinions to allow the subtle realities of these opportunities to penetrate. But there are a couple of simple (though difficult!) things we can do to encourage our ability to see what’s really happening, and thus be more likely to reap the benefits of corrective experience.

First, we can tune in to difficult feelings rather than try to ignore them.

Second, we can notice when we are having experiences that are more positive than we expected.

Third, we can try to “catch” other people when they are behaving well, just as we suggested you might do with a partner.

notice when we find ourselves wanting someone to be different than they are. We can ask ourselves, What if I just let this person be themselves without passing judgment? How would this moment be different? Recognizing another person for who they are and meeting them where they are can go a long way toward deepening a connection.

Researchers have found that regular family dinners are associated with children’s higher grade-point averages and higher self-esteem, along with lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, and depression.

the impact that our relationships at work have on our life.

But are we missing something here? Is the separation we perceive between work

and life helping or hindering us in our quest for the good life? What if the value of work—even work we dislike—lies not just in getting paid, but also in the moment-to-moment sensations of being alive in the workplace, and the feeling of vitality we get from being connected to others?

What if even the most ordinary workday presents real opportunities for improving our lives and our sense of being...

Our time at work affects our time at home, our time at home affects our time at work, and it is our relationships in both places that form the foundation of that interplay.

When there is an imbalance, the source can sometimes be found in the way we have been attending to our relationships on one side or the other.

We feel what we feel, but we don’t need to let emotions have their way with us.

If we feel disconnected from others at work, that means we feel lonely for the majority of our waking hours. This is a health concern. As we’ve mentioned elsewhere, loneliness increases our risk of death as much as smoking or obesity.