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Trust was terrifying. Intimacy even more so. But I was learning to be vulnerable. Maybe this was what it felt like to heal. It was stunning.
It was the first thing I’d ever noticed about him: the way he looked at the world, the way he looked at me. He looked at me like I was something worth saving, something good.
I wasn’t afraid of Manson abusing me. I was afraid of him finally having enough, and walking away.
He tried so hard; not a single one of us doubted it. But he was still cruel to himself. He was really no better than me when it came to treating himself kindly.
I learned how to love myself from the love others gave me. I was still learning, I’d always be learning.
This...
He wanted to punish himself for needing comfort, but I couldn’t let him do that.
“Are you really in a position to be snarling at me? When you have your legs up in the air, spread open like a slut?” “Then fuck me like one!”
“This is exactly what you deserve,” I said. “You deserve to be treated kindly. You deserve to be loved and pleasured and cared for.”
He’d been a fighter all his life, he so rarely had the opportunity to be soft. “You’re safe here,”
They were carrying bouquets. Their various choices in flowers were almost laughably different, but in the sweetest way I could have ever imagined. Lucas was holding two: a big bunch of red roses which he handed to Manson, while he kept the bouquet of blue cornflowers and pink wild roses. Jason held a bunch of daisies; Vincent held sunflowers. It was impossible to move from my seat. Tears streamed down my cheeks, my breath shuddering as I tried to keep it together.
“You don’t owe us anything, Jess. Not a damn thing. But we…we don’t want this to be it. Probably pretty damn obvious by this point, all things considered, but um…shit…” He rubbed his hand over the back of his head. “Someone a hell of a lot more eloquent than me better speak up.”
“Jess, you know how we feel. We’ve all had the chance to talk to you as individuals, but not together.” “We love you,” Jason said, causing my breath to catch again on a fresh sob. “We’re honestly a little obsessed with you,” Vincent said. “Little would be an understatement, Vince,” Jason added, giving me a wink that made me laugh through the tears. “We want you to know exactly what this is,” Manson said. “No debt, no dare, no games. Just us, with you.”
“That’s all we want,” Lucas said. “And we know you’re moving, but we’re not worried about that. Hell, we figured we’d probably just move up that way too.”
“We’ve seen it all. We’ve seen your worst, you’ve seen ours. We want the opportunity to show you the best of us.” “We want you to be ours,” Manson said. “I lost you once, Jess. I can’t do it again. I can’t watch more years go by without you in my life, wondering where you are, if you’re happy, if you’re safe…I just can’t.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” he said, his voice barely loud enough to hear. “You’ve gone and gotten me attached to you, Jess. You’re stuck with me. With all of us.”
“We want to show you more of our world,” Jason said. “We want more adventures,” Vincent said. “More challenges,” Lucas added with a smirk. “We want you,” Manson said. “To be part of us. Will you?”
“Yes, I will,” I said. “Absolutely.”
“Too many of us have had to spend our lives living in fear. But that’s exactly what they want. The folks who claim to hate you, those who are willing to hurt you, they’d prefer that we all stay hidden away. When judging and shaming us doesn’t work, they’ll try violence. Then they’ll offer thoughts and prayers when people end up dead on account of their hate.”
Finding that line between living with caution and living in fear seemed almost impossible sometimes.
The last thing I was aware of was Manson wrapping his arms around me from behind and feeling Jason’s fingers come to rest on my hand. Vincent laughed, saying something about “lying on top of us.” But I didn’t care how crowded that damn bed was. We all got into it somehow, and I couldn’t move an inch, but I still slept like the dead.
But there were no rules once someone I loved was hurt; there were no limits, there was no caution. This wasn’t just payback; it wasn’t petty revenge.
I wasn’t like my father; I wasn’t like the people who harassed me. The monster that lived inside me was tame, it was controlled. I wasn’t a violent person. But as I walked into Billy’s Bar, with Jason and Lucas flanking me, the moral compass I’d clung to stopped giving me directions.
“You’re going to take your beating, and you’re going to stay the fuck away from us. No parties, no races, nothing.”
“If you fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us. So here the rest of us are. Not so brave now, huh?”
“I don’t like hurting people. But he does.” I nodded toward Lucas as he smiled, slowly cracking his knuckles.
Yessssss
But the end result was a clear warning, deep enough to scar and ugly enough to be obvious. I ABUSE WOMEN was carved deeply into his back.
There wasn’t anything worth reading in his expression. Whatever it was that made him hate me, that made him into this monster, wasn’t going to go away. But he was going away. Finally, after so many years.
But it didn’t matter how gentle or kind one could be. When it came to protecting those we loved, I guess Jojo and I were the same.
“We all love her, sir,” Jason said. “That may not be what you want to hear from us, but —” Mr. Martin held up his hand, stopping him. “All I want to hear is that my daughter is safe, happy, and loved. It’s not my business to tell her how to live her life.”
“I promise you’ll never be without us again. You’ll never be alone. You’ll never have to doubt.” I kissed her fingers, watching her beautiful face as she closed her eyes. “I love you, Jess. Then, now, and always.”
Jessica, We’ve been pushing each other’s buttons since we were hardly more than kids. You’ve seen us at our worst, and been there to see us become our best. This key opens your haven: a place where you can be who you are, where you can grow, change, and live how you want to without fear. We want to share this place with you, we want our home to be your home. Even one more night spent without you would be too much. Our family may not be ordinary or easily understood, but we want you to be a part of it. We know marriage isn’t exactly an option for us, at least not in the legal sense. But that
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“Of course, I’m saying yes,” I choked out, and the smiles I was met with made me hiccup with a sob. “Of course I’ll move in with you, I – I don’t ever want to go back to living without you. Ever. The years we were apart, I — I wasn’t living. Not how I wanted to, not how I needed to. I needed —” I hiccupped again, and Vincent put his arm around me, holding me until I could compose myself. “I needed you all,” I said, when my voice was finally steady enough to speak. “I love you…I love you all so much.”
We’d fought for our love. Fought with ourselves, with each other, with those who wanted our love to not even exist. But this was our victory. This was our forever.
“Oh, no, no, not better,” Jason said. “We’re degenerates, Jess.” “Losers,” said Lucas. Manson smiled. “Freaks.” “But now that we’ve caught you, we don’t ever have to let you go,”
“You’re ours,” he said. “Your safety, security, and well-being is our responsibility. You’ve entrusted yourself to us, Jess. We take that decision seriously.” “We always protect what’s ours,” said Lucas. He stood beside Manson, and although his expression was reserved, I could see the love in his eyes. Love for me. For us. “We couldn’t decide who gets to hold the key,” Jason said. “So we’re getting three extra ones made so we can all have one.”
Being collared was sexy and unbearably erotic, but it was so much more than that, too. It was a comfort, a reassurance, a promise. It was a sign to everyone who saw it that I was protected and cared for.
