Losers: Part II (Losers, #2)

by Harley Laroux

It was different this time, and I knew it was because he’d had Jess with him. She had stayed by his side the entire time; she’d fought viciously for him. He hadn’t felt alone. He hadn’t been abandoned. And that made all the difference in the world.

Lucas needs someone fighting for him

The very thought of something bad happening to him had thrown my mind into a panic. I didn’t even want to fathom the thought of waking up to a world without him in it.

We held each other in silence. We held tight until the panic subsided, until the sickening dread of loss had finally vanished. And then we held on even longer, because frankly, I simply never wanted to let go.

“Of course you’re not allowed to forget,” he said. “No matter how many years go back, no matter how old you are, no matter where we go, you will always be mine. Always. No one and nothing will take you from me.”

We found our own ways to claim each other. Collars, rings, bruises, scars. As if to remind each other that even when we were apart, parts of us remained together.

There was so much of my childhood I either couldn’t remember or didn’t want to. But there were little moments — bright spots in an endless abyss. Things like this photo, that reminded me of goodness and love, no matter how brief they’d been. It felt important to remember.

Same

It had taken me a long time to realize that “home,” to most people, represented a place of comfort and safety. Home was a place people wanted to return to, not one they dreaded or feared. I’d had to build my own home, my own family. I’d crafted it in the only way I knew how; it was messy and strange, but it was mine and no one could take it away from me.

It felt as if I’d finally put down a weight I’d been carrying for far too long. But it still ached, as if the weight had compressed me down. Even in its absence, its effects remained. Maybe some wounds never healed.

But Jess had been there. She’d seen me when I was weak, when I was out of control, when I was scared. She saw me already.

“Well, when you cut a snake’s head off, it will keep snapping its jaws at you,” I explained. “It’ll twist and struggle on the ground. It’s just nerve endings firing off. Death throes. It’s not actually alive, even if it looks like it.” She frowned, lifting her eyes from my chest to my face. “Do

“I used to. When I was living here before, I thought I’d die here. I thought that one day, my dad would take it too far. That he wouldn’t stop. It was like I already thought of myself as dead. Why was I trying? Continuing to struggle to make life worth it felt useless.”

When I was younger, when I’d thought about ending it all…sometimes, the only thing that made me hold on was knowing that Lucas would be lost without me. Or that Vincent would never forgive himself for not finding a way to stop me, or that Jason would be devastated. Maybe staying alive for the sake of other people wasn’t healthy, but it was better than the alternative. I found whatever I could to keep me going, no matter how small.

Sometimes other people are all we have left to stay alive for...

“Manson?” Jess’s voice was soft, timid with the question weighing it down. “What is it, angel?” “I love you.” The earth stopped turning for a moment.

“I love you, Manson Reed.”

I was in love. So desperately, irrevocably in love. But it wasn’t only Manson. We’d been honest with each other first, but that didn’t mean my mind wasn’t with the other boys.

All I wanted to do, every day, was sit in that garage while the boys worked. Lay on the couch next to Jason, play in the yard with the dogs. That was what gave me happiness. That was what brought me joy. And leaving that behind for a job… God. That was a problem.

I’d told Manson I loved him, but what about the others? The same feeling was there for me, but what if they didn’t…what if…

What if the others didn’t feel the same? That was what I feared. Rejection from Vincent, from Jason…from Lucas.

It was that “oldest sibling” syndrome, I swear. I wanted to solve everything, always be there with an answer. But this time, I wasn’t sure if I had one.

“I should thank you for letting me inside your head, then. I like it here.”

Jess didn’t say a word, and it felt like my lungs were slowly being crushed in a vice. Maybe it was too much. Too soon. I did tend to get intense. Once I’d made up my mind, I struggled to keep it to myself. I turned, readying an apology… But she stood there, staring at the sunflowers with tears streaming down her face.

“I love you, Jess.” She abruptly lifted her head, staring at me. Her lips parted in a silent gasp. “You…you do?” “I do.”

“I love your mind; how clever you are. I love that you’re passionate. And you’re strong. You’ve changed your own deeply held convictions, and that’s not easy to do. You’re loyal. Tenacious. A force to be reckoned with. You surprise me every day.”

“I love you too, Vincent.”

“I love every inch of you,” I said, growling it against her skin. “Inside and out, baby. I could spend years telling you all the ways I love you, all the little things you do that drive me fucking wild. So I think I will. I think I’d like to spend a very long time showing you how much I adore you.”

“Because of you, when I leave here, I’m not going to want to come back.”

I’d always wanted my mom’s approval so badly. When I was little, the thought of disappointing her made me physically ill. But now, any desire of the like was out the window. I felt stifled, frustrated, stuck. I felt like I’d been made into a villain not because I’d done something wrong, but because I’d dared to do something right for me.

My happy place was behind the wheel, feeling the rush of its speed, experiencing the adrenaline of playing with death.

The same people who had raised me to be kind, who had claimed to love me, held my hand, wiped my tears — were the same people who’d caused me so much pain it almost killed me.

I could deal with other people’s problems; I could figure out ways to solve them, I could offer advice, I could comfort. The problems I had…weren’t solvable.

Felt that

It gets better was just another phrase people threw around when they didn’t know how the hell else to fix something. It gets better! Just wait and see! Just suck up the pain and let time bury it for you!

my desperate insistence was seen as me being lost to sin. They claimed they would have rather discovered I was addicted to drugs, or that I’d gotten someone pregnant. But no. The worst thing I could have done was fall in love with a boy.

“It was worth it,” I said. “Even though it hurt. It was worth it to hold on to who I was and not let anyone take that away from me. It’ll be worth it for you too, I promise you. I know it sucks. It hurts to stand up to people you love. It hurts even more when they reject you. I honestly don’t know if that pain ever goes away. But even if it hurts for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t take it back.”

I had something better. My family had chosen me and I’d chosen them in return. I was loved…and desperately in love, too.

“It’s probably been overwhelming. But regardless of how we got here, I’m glad we did. I’m glad you’re a petulant little brat who couldn’t say no, so you ended up abandoned in our garage. I’m glad that part of you knew what was right, and that you were brave, and that you chose to face us instead of running away.” “I’m glad too.”

“I love you so much.” To my alarm, it actually made my eyes sting. Holy shit. She loved me. I

“God, Jess. I never thought I’d hear you say that.” My smile felt too vulnerable, too earnest. As if I’d forgotten my boundaries, my caution suddenly gone. “I love you. Fuck, I…” My hand was visibly shaking as I held it against her head. “I love you so much, Jess, I feel like I’m losing my mind. But I’m happy, I’m…” My words were getting tangled up. Shit, she’d fucked up my head, but I loved it. “I’m so happy. You make me so happy.”

Fuck, I loved roleplays like this. Pin me down, scold me, tell me all the awful, dirty, sinful things I’d done and punish me for them. Take the real fears of eternal damnation from the back of my mind and make them harmlessly real, twist my terror into something controllable, make it into a toy. I wouldn’t have been able to put into words that I’d needed this, but Vincent knew. He always knew. He read me like an open book.

Being cared for was frightening, so I pushed away the very people who cared about me most. In an effort not to lose the love I’d found, I almost destroyed it.

This man I’d tried so hard to protect wanted to protect me in return.

“You let yourself care too much about something, and it makes it that much worse when you lose it.” “But it’s worth it,” she said fiercely. “Yes, we all lose things in our life. Things we love, people we adore, really important things. And it hurts. It absolutely sucks and sometimes the pain feels like it will never stop. It’s worth it even when it’s hard.”

“I don’t know what the hell I deserve, Jess. I don’t want to be angry all the time. I don’t want to always feel like I’m fighting the world. I just want to live. That’s all.” “I know,” she said. “You won’t be angry forever. Only sometimes. And it won’t hurt forever either.”

“I love you, Lucas. I love you, even if you don’t love me back. Even if you don’t completely trust me yet. Even if —”

“Why would you love me?” They weren’t the words I wanted to say. They weren’t tender, they weren’t soft, they weren’t the words she deserved. But I needed to know, because if I didn’t, I’d convince myself it was all a lie. I wasn’t the person that people loved. I was the person who was tolerated, the one who was begrudgingly allowed.

“Because you’ve always told me the truth,” she said. “You’re honest, but you care so much. I know you try to pretend like you don’t. And you’re so strong. You’re brave. You went through so much shit and you’re still…you’re still kind.” “You don’t mean that.” My voice was far too weak for my liking. “Yes, I do. Look at what you’ve done, for creatures that can’t even do anything for you in return! Most of these cats will never let you touch them; they might never trust you at all. But you’re still here, every week, making sure they’re taken care of. Making sure they have a chance. You’re trying to give them what the world never gave you.” She swallowed hard. “You showed up and talked to my mom, knowing she didn’t like you, knowing she’d judge you. And you protected me, even when I didn’t know I needed to be protected.”

“You deserve to be loved, Lucas,” she said. She was close, and her voice was low, holding me like she was protecting me. “You deserve to be happy. You deserve to heal.”

I put my arms around her and crushed her against my chest. I was holding her too tight, I knew it, but I feared that if I loosened my arms even a bit, she would vanish and this would all be a lie.

I deserved to heal — what the fuck did I need healing from, I needed to just get over it. I deserved to be happy — why the hell should I be happy? I deserved to be loved — a person like me didn’t deserve love.

“I love you too.” What fucking terrifying words. But they didn’t kill me to say, the world didn’t implode. So I said them again, to be sure. “I love you so much, Jess.” God, my stomach was in knots. “I fucking love you.” The more I said it, it was like I couldn’t stop. The words felt like weights dropping out of my mouth, making me lighter every time. “I love you so much that I can’t let you go.”

I wasn’t a good man; I never had been. But Jess made me feel like I was; like I could be.