Oh, Great! I Discovered How to Cultivate a Farmer in 52 Easy Steps (Unorthodox Farming, #2)

by Benjamin Kerei

“If you keep this up, I’m going to start kicking you in public. Not just when we are playing board games.” “You wouldn’t dare.” She promptly kicked me in the shin, realised what she had done, and looked around, mortified. When she noticed that no one was paying attention, she turned back and kicked me again.

“There must be some way out of this situation. I can’t let my little brother beat me.” I laughed. Brothers were the same wherever you went. “Only one. It is customary on my world when you play a new game to count the first one as a practice round. Claim it as a practice round, and his victory is null and void. You then must take part in a rematch.” Gradin grinned. “Practice round.” Paxith immediately argued.

“And if Friend Arnold is ever near capital, come visit Torvac. Torvac will take Arnold to restaurant of Torvac’s wife, so Arnold can meet Orlana, who is small and angry and does not let Torvac fight as much as Torvac would like, but Torvac loves with all Torvac’s heart, no matter how many salads Orlana makes Torvac eat.”

“Why are we meeting here, then?” “Because they said this is where men and women come to profit from the death of others, and there is no more fitting place to hold such a meeting.” “Are they poets?” “Worse: Realists.”

So, your custom, if someone comes over to talk business, is to give them booze and then talk.” “Yes.” “Good custom. It reminds me of home. What can I do for you?”

“Oh man, what happened?” “That is a rather entertaining story,” Salem said, voice layered with sarcasm. “You showed up at the automated barns in the early hours of the morning, blackout drunk, and mumbling about how you were going to catch a Pokémon. You proceeded to run up and down the village’s border for fifteen minutes before spotting a rabbit and chasing it into The Wild Woods, where you quickly caught up and tackled it, before shouting something about someone having stolen all your Pokéballs. A drunken scuffle ensued where the rabbit tried to get free, and you tried to hug it to your body while searching the forest floor for your imaginary lost items. I tried to intervene, but my attempts to free the rabbit failed, when you dissolved into a blubbering mess and spent the next hour crying uncontrollably and calling me a bad kitty, forbidding me from taking your Rattata over and over again. You said something about getting another Pokémon from someone called Professor Oak and then passed out, hugging the rabbit.” Oh, hell. I got white-girl wasted.

Torvac so bored Torvac makes game of seeing how far Torvac can kick angry dwarf. It is very far. But it is boring if done more than fifty times.”

I’d told the dwarves I needed to paint something on the sides for religious reasons, and they’d believed me. Seeing the words ‘ACME CORPORATION’ in big, white letters improved my mood. Trying to kill a giant definitely made me feel like I was in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.