Happy Place

by Emily Henry

I was more scared of marrying someone who couldn’t bring himself to leave me or to keep loving me.

From the loneliness, from the fear that I would never escape it. Because feelings were changeable, and people were unpredictable. You couldn’t hold on to them through the force of will.

“Is there one that looks like us?” he asks. They all do, I think. You are in all of my happiest places. You are where my mind goes when it needs to be soothed.

“Spent like seventeen years operating on fifty-five percent lung capacity without realizing breathing just wasn’t supposed to be that hard. Starting antidepressants was like that for me. I felt like shit all the time, and then suddenly I didn’t. And all this stuff seemed possible for the first time. My mind felt…quieter, maybe. Lighter.”

I sit on the edge of the bed, feeling the loneliness swell, not knowing whether it’s pressing against me from the outside or growing from within. Either way, it’s inescapable, my oldest companion.

I was afraid they’d ask me what went wrong, and no matter what answer I cobbled together from the rubble, they’d see right through it. They’d know I wasn’t enough. I’m not the brilliant doctor my parents wanted me to be, and I’m not the person who could give Wyn the happiness he deserves, and I’m not the friend Sabrina and Cleo needed. I’ve tried so hard to be good, to deserve the people around me, and I’ve still managed to hurt all of them.

“Love means constantly saying you’re sorry, and then doing better.”

Everything is changing. It has to. You can’t stop time. All you can do is point yourself in a direction and hope the wind will let you get there.