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August 11 - August 12, 2022
Noelle was a sucker for bread, and well—I was a sucker for her.
She was appeased at that and popped another fry in my mouth, feeding me. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks just from the action. How intimate it was.
“You know,” she said as I chewed on the fry. “I don’t share food with anyone.” “No?” I asked, wondering why she thought this would surprise me. “Anyone,” she repeated. “Ever.” I watched her look thoughtfully into her fries. “Until you.”
“Well.” I couldn’t help the satisfaction flowing through my veins. “I hope I get to share a lot of things with you, Noelle Hastings.” “As long as you keep me fed,...
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I could see us, coming here. Blissfully happy, kids in tow. It was something I had only let myself dream about in the deepest parts of my heart—a family.
To live a life with Noelle. A life full of laughter, of teasing each other. Of morning sex, shower sex, and sleeping in late. Of diapers, pancakes, and kids’ art projects. I imagined watching her dote on our kids with red curly hair and blue eyes.
“But you’re not a little kitten, are you, hm? My little vixen.”
I loved how soft and cuddly she was—much like her owner, who was constantly cuddling me.
Yesterday, Matthew finally took me on the bookstore date he had promised me since it was cold and rainy, and as we sat next to each other in the bookstore coffee shop, both sipping our drinks (hot chocolate for me and black coffee, as always, for him), I felt exhilaratingly happy.
I’m going to die alone
“And to think you were spoiling me so much that I never wanted to leave,” I joked. He laughed, his forehead resting against mine. “You make this place feel more like home, Noelle.”
“Oh yeah. And I can’t wait to meet this Noelle I’ve heard so much about.” Had I talked about her that much? Maybe I had. “I can’t wait for you two to meet,” I said. “I really like her, Tessa. Like, really.”
That was—until Noelle. My little fox had burrowed her way into my life, snuck under my defenses and found a way to snuggle herself in close—right next to my heart. So yeah, I was nervous.
“When we were younger, he used to play dolls with me. He got pretty good at braiding their hair.” I turned a little red as Tessa told Noelle some of my most embarrassing childhood habits. “I think he’ll make a good dad someday.”
died
“It’s okay,” I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and pulling Noelle in tight to me. “I think siblings are overrated, anyway.”
“I think it’s sweet. The way you are with your sister.” She turned back to Tessa and grinned conspiratorially. “I love hearing about your childhood, but maybe we should do it when grumpy pants over here isn’t around.”
I felt like Matthew had pulled me out of the icy water and wrapped a warm towel around me. And my heart. And somehow, even when I was aching and feeling this desperation deep inside of me, the one that longed for anything and everything, to feel complete and wholly loved, I knew I could do this. I knew I could survive it—life.
And Matthew—he was the one who had showed me how much life was worth living again. The one who had shown up, day after day, and showed me what love was supposed to be like. I didn’t know if he loved me—I didn’t even know if I loved him, but I did know one thing: he was the cataclysm for change in my life.
Fuck, I was screwed—because I was definitely, definitely on the path to falling way too deeply in love with this man.
When I fell asleep that night, it was with Matthew’s face in my mind, imaging his strong arms pulling me in close, making me feel safe and secure in his hold. I just hoped that feeling would last.
And watching her face light up as she saw the breathtaking view on the top of the mountain of the city? The thoughts that had been scattering through my brain for the last few weeks, an idea that had fully formed into a whole real thing, finally were illuminated just like Noelle’s hair in the sun. I loved her.
I loved the girl standing in front of me—every quirk, every little part of her that she had laid bare with me, shown to me—I loved every piece of her. She had captured my whole heart, and she didn’t even know it yet. Didn’t know how much I loved her, how much I cared about her. She had never been more beautiful to me, and I couldn’t wait to tell her how much I loved her.
I’m crying
I wanted to be a father. I wanted kids. I wanted a family. I wanted all of it—with Noelle.
“You’re so fucking hot,”
As much as I said I didn’t like sweets, I couldn’t resist her, and I loved the way she always tasted sweet.
“Hi,” I said, grinning. “Hey.” Noelle smiled. “I don’t think my boyfriend would be very happy with me being down here with you.”
“Thank you,” I said, watching her as she buckled her seatbelt. “For what?” she just blinked at me. “Just… being there.” She reached out and took my hand. “I think… I would go anywhere for you.” Noelle bit her lip. “Is that crazy?” I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve never felt like this before but…” I squeezed her hand. “I would do anything for you, you know that?”
“And you… want that? Kids and a family?” I do, I wanted to say. With you. Only you.
I loved when she didn’t wear any, because it meant I could count each individual freckle on her face and trace my finger over them. She was so beautiful, no matter what.
My girl. My Noelle.
I wanted to be there for him. Because we couldn’t heal each other, couldn’t make the pain go away, but I could show him that we could get through it, together. We would get through it together because that was what we did. We were a team.
“What are you doing here, sweetheart?” “You wouldn’t answer my calls or texts,” I murmured as I stared at him. At his blue eyes, rimmed with red. It killed me that he had been crying alone. “I was worried about you.” “You were—” He sucked in a deep breath. “Noelle.” He squeezed his eyes shut, as though he felt guilty for my worrying. “You didn’t have to worry about me, I promise.” “I can’t help it, you big dummy,” I said softly, letting the tears fall from my eyes. “Of course, I’m going to worry about you. I care about you too much to do anything less.”
It’s too early for thsi shit stop😭
“I buried my feelings because it was easier than feeling… this. This agony, this grief, missing them so much my heart hurts. It was easier to not let anyone in and keep everyone at an emotional distance because that was preferable to this. Until…” He stopped and looked straight at me. “God, until I met you, and I realized that maybe I could have someone. Because before you, Noelle, I never wanted it. No one else was ever worth the effort. Not until you.”
“Will you just… let me hold you, sweetheart?”
“Always. I’m always here for you, Matthew.” Because I was. And because… I loved him. More than I think I had ever loved anyone.
“I thought I told you to leave her alone,” Matthew growled. “What do you think you’re doing, talking to my girl like that?”
y’all 🧎♀️
“And you gave her up, fucked up the best thing you could have had in your life—something I never plan to do. You looked at her and only saw someone you could use. I look at her and I see everything,”
ohmygod
“Are you okay, baby? He didn’t hurt you, right?”
😭😭😭😭😭😭
“I don’t want to ever see you again. If you ever make her cry again, I will find you and make your life a living hell.”
“Now if you don’t want me to beat the shit out of you, I’d appreciate if you would get the fuck out of my girl’s apartment.”
MY GIRLSHAWHEGDBWHEHSHS
“He made me believe so many awful things about myself, and I just—” “Shh,” he soothed. “Noelle, baby, it’s okay. I’m here, and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving to you that those things aren’t true, I will. Okay?”
☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️
I didn’t want to ever let her go.
“I’m scared, Matthew,” she whispered, “that one day you’ll decide I’m not enough.” I took a step closer to her. “Noelle, listen to me. I want you. Tell me what I can to do to alleviate your fears. To show you I’m not going anywhere. Because I just want you. I promise—you’re worth every risk.”
“Noelle. I can’t live without you, sweetheart.”
“That’s not going to happen.” “But what if it does?” “It won’t. Because I want you, Noelle. I can’t let you go.” “Why?” She whispered. I took a final step towards her, sat on the couch next to her, and brought her hand up to mine, interlacing our fingers together. “Why what, Noelle?” “Why can’t you let me go?” It was like Noelle wasn’t breathing. And maybe she knew, but I wanted to say it anyway. Needed to say it. Had to tell her the words that I had been thinking in my head for so long, I might explode if I didn’t get them out. So I spoke from the heart, and I hoped that it would be enough.
...more
“It's like you walked into my life and the sun could shine again, like maybe if I was holding you, kissing you…” I paused, knowing what I needed to say but feeling so overwhelmed by the love I felt for her that I was getting choked up. “If I was loving you, then everything else was worth it.”
My notes stop here I can’t do this
“Do you?” Noelle breathed, her big brown eyes shimmering with a whirlwind of emotions as she clutched my shirt to keep herself steady. “Do I what?” I asked, wiping a thumb under her eye, collecting droplets of tears before they could run down her face. “Love me.” “Yes, baby,” I smiled, grazing her forehead with my lips, planting the faintest kiss there. “I do.”
“Loving you is as natural to me as breathing. I swear, Noelle, you came into my life and wormed your way into my heart. I knew the first time I saw you that there was no one like you on this planet. No one else for me.” I wiped another tear from her cheek, but they kept coming. “No one but you, my sweet girl.”
“I… I can’t live without you either. I can’t. And I’m sorry if I made you doubt it, but you are worth it. And I just…” She pulled me into her, sliding her hands into mine. “I didn’t want you to think I didn’t want you.” I laughed. “There’s no getting rid of me, baby. As long as that’s what you want.”
“I’m yours, and you’re mine. Always and forever, okay?” “Will you say it again?” She asked quietly. “Say what, baby?” “That you love me.” I grinned, placing a kiss on her lips. “I love you, Noelle Hastings.” “That’s good,” Noelle started, and then she flushed, her cheeks turning red as I moved my focus to kiss each individual freckle on her face. “Because I love you too, Matthew Harper. Forever and always. I’m yours, truly.”
not well
“You’re good. And you love so deeply. I’ve never once doubted how much you care for me.”
