Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

OPENING SCENE: Same beginning scenario, but . . . she spills water on the guy, he freaks out, doesn’t leave a tip, tries to get her fired, and she goes home mumbling about what a jerk he was. Also, his castle is in foreclosure and soon he’s working as a busboy at the same restaurant. She’s eventually promoted to manager, becomes independently successful, and she sets boundaries with him because he’s being irresponsible in the way he closes out the registers each night. Then she makes some discoveries that cause her to fire him because he’s stealing from the cash drawer. CLOSING SCENE: She buys the castle and invites her friends over to process what went wrong with him and how in the world he could steal from her! But then, after the closing scene, she questions herself over and over and still wishes things could have been different.

But we can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.

In fact, when I turn to 1 Corinthians 13:4–7, I’m reminded of God’s intention for the purest form of love. Here’s how I journaled what I want to remember from these scriptures: Love is not dishonorable. Love does not justify wrongs to enable selfishness. Love does not celebrate evil. Love requires truth. Love leads to honor, kindness, and compassion.

If you go with what they say, you’ll become more and more convinced you’re the problem. If you oppose what they say, they will make sure you feel you are definitely the problem. Either way, you lose.

“I made the sand a boundary for the sea, an everlasting barrier it cannot cross. The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail; they may roar, but they cannot cross it.” (Jeremiah 5:22)

The beach still looks beautiful. The sand still looks so promising. But if the realities of that sand prove to be hurtful, it’s only reasonable at some point to have more realistic expectations. If the spurs aren’t removed from the sand, then walking on the beach will not be a peaceful experience.

access to God became more restricted and conditional. His love was unconditional but access to Him was not.

we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives.

Have we required people to be responsible with the amount of access we’ve granted them? And, do we have the appropriate consequences in place to help hold them accountable if they violate our boundaries?

we should be concerned when someone lives as if dysfunctions are normal. Being aware of our dysfunctions doesn’t fix them. If we want healthier relationships we must also be willing to address them.

In a relationship when truth is manipulated, denied, or partially omitted for the sake of covering up behaviors that should be addressed, dysfunctions may not just be difficult, they may become destructive. We then run the risk of a pattern of wrongs being tolerated as acceptable, because over time they start to feel less alarming, more acceptable, and eventually our version of “normal.”

I’ve assumed other people had the same definitions about how to care for the relationship, how to care for one another, and how to take care of issues that arise. But worst of all, I have betrayed myself by knowing something was off in a relationship but letting that person convince me otherwise.

I started walking away from almost every conversation feeling wrongly judged and misunderstood, and regretting sharing my struggles with her. She would call it “holding me accountable to being a good Christian” but through counseling I started to see this wasn’t her true intention. She was actually holding me hostage to doing things her way or she would make her disapproval known not just to me but to others as well. And, in the end, I realized I had given too much access to her without requiring that same level of responsibility from her.

You get to communicate what makes you feel respected and disrespected; safe and unsafe; healthy and unhealthy. Your definition of this determines what you need from your closest people. For me, this requires: trust truthfulness transparency tenderness, and a team approach where we can hold each other accountable and hold each other close at the same time. Use my list above to help think through what responsible access means to you.

It’s like I have temporary amnesia and start thinking the boundary is hindering peace instead of remembering the boundary is the only fighting chance we have at reclaiming our peace. Trust me with this. If someone is demanding you drop a boundary or trying to charm and convince you that it’s no longer necessary—beware. People who are genuine and honest don’t go on and on trying to convince you what a good person they are. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us that “charm is deceptive.”

sometimes I can so desperately want things to be better that I try to reframe reality and convince myself that the person has changed when they haven’t. My confusion or exhaustion, or my compassion, can make me want to give in.

Access requires responsibility.

Broken boundaries bring consequences.

Consequences should be for protection not harm. When Adam and Eve were sent out from the garden, they were never allowed to return. As a matter of fact, God put angels at the entry to guard and prevent them from returning. While this may seem cruel or too harsh, there were good and necessary reasons for this boundary to be as distinct as a wall. If Adam and Eve would have been allowed back into the garden, they would have been tempted to eat once again from the other tree in the middle of the garden, called the tree of life. The tree of life would perpetuate their state of being for all eternity. When Adam and Eve were sinless, that was a great thing. But now that they’d eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, sin had entered in and their beings were no longer perfect. They carried with them the consequences of sin. They were in the process of dying. To eat of the tree of life in that state would have perpetuated them for all eternity in sin, depravity, decay, and therefore eternal separation from God. So, God not only limited but actually prevented Adam and Eve from having access to the garden and the tree of life to protect them—not to be cruel to them. It was the severity of the boundary violation that required the severity of the consequence.

Chances are, without a boundary, unless significant healthy changes have been made by the other person, dysfunction will resurface and possibly even explode to the surface. Healthy changes in someone can’t be measured just by the words they speak. There must be evidence of changed thoughts, changed habits, changed behaviors, changed reactions, and changed patterns demonstrated consistently over a long period of time. How long? As long as it takes. Let

changed behaviors are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen in the wings. As I mentioned before, Proverbs 31:30 warns us that “charm is deceptive.” It’s so easy to be charmed into dropping a boundary. We can have a few good days or even a few good months when it seems things are better. But remember, be honest about what’s really happening. Don’t continue to excuse negative or destructive patterns of behavior or addictions, as if they are just occasional slip-ups and isolated mistakes. There is something deeper going on in the foundational thinking and processing of someone who has been hurting you with their poor choices over and over. “Things are better” is not the same as “things are healed.”

I am not honoring Jesus when I give permission for the other person to act in ways that Jesus never would.

Yes, Jesus laid down His life for sinners. But it wasn’t so they could keep sinning. It was for a holy purpose leading to wholeness, healing, and salvation of their souls. Jesus didn’t enable people. Jesus didn’t beg people. Jesus didn’t accept excuses for sin or let people off the hook because they were mostly good. No, He instructed them to leave their lives of sin.

The problem isn’t the boundary, it’s that the other person won’t respect the boundary.

Outcome → I accept that I am powerless to control other people. Instead, I use my energy to limit my interactions with difficult people, remove myself from destructive relationships, and pursue loving well the people in my healthy relationships that deserve the best of me.

You are a responsible person. You want to be a good steward of what’s been entrusted to you. Therefore, you walk in reality instead of wishful thinking. You acknowledge and respect the concept of limitations because you don’t like how you act and react when you get stretched too thin. And you wisely establish boundaries when people keep pushing for you to go past your capacity. When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries, or we can pay consequences.

What happened to me during the last seven years of my marriage wasn’t just difficult. It almost killed me.

misuse of someone’s access is bringing things into your environment that make you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or threatened. It could be drinking, smoking, offensive language, listening to or watching inappropriate music or movies.

In conflict with this person, do you often have to take responsibility for everything while they resist taking responsibility for anything?

Do you feel unable to share exciting successes in your life with this person for fear of them not celebrating you, or worse, attacking or belittling you?

Do you fear their choices? Are they resistant to changing a behavior even though they know it is hurting you?

If someone is unwilling or unable to stop misusing the personal access we’ve given them, then we must change their access to match their level of responsibility.

what you can control with your boundary: Your environment What you are, and are not, willing to tolerate What you do, and do not, have to give

It’s often people who need boundaries the most who will respect them the least. Don’t be surprised or caught off guard by this. You can return kindness for this frustration and even empathy for their anger. But see this as an affirmation you are doing the right thing. Stand firm and state the consequences with dignity and respect.

“I love you and I care about you. And at the same time, there are some behaviors that are requiring me to make changes to our relationship. When you [your notes] [insert the unacceptable behavior, substance abuse, or addiction] in my presence, it affects me in ways that I am no longer willing to accept. This isn’t an accusation or judgment against you. You’re an adult and your choices are your own. This is me being proactive about my well-being and making wise choices for myself. So, I am requesting that you no longer use these substances [or insert other unhealthy behavior] around me or in my home. If you are unable to agree to these parameters, then we’ll need to limit our interactions and I can no longer have you visit my home. Again, this is because I care not only about my well-being but also about keeping our relationship in a more sustainable place.”

We can prepare in times of security so we’re strong in times of insecurity. When we feel powerless, we can rely on preplanned and rehearsed boundaries.

Calm is like setting a thermostat at the right temperature for keeping a house cool on a blazing hot summer day. But if there are doors and windows that stay open, letting the heat in, you’re still going to feel the effects of the outside heat. The wrong tactic would be to stand at the window, telling the heat that it can no longer come inside your house. The right tactic would be to shut the windows and doors and let the air conditioning unit work to accomplish the atmosphere you want.

I kept thinking, Am I making too big a deal of this? I mean, this isn’t a life-altering situation, right? All the while it was absolutely altering my life. Note the grass stains on my feet.

It’s not a personal attack against you (although it will certainly feel excruciatingly personal at times). It’s an attempt by that other person to protect whatever illegitimate ways they are getting their legitimate needs met.

porn, sex outside of marriage, slandering people who intimidate them, trying to one-up others’ achievements to prove how great they are, spending money they don’t have, shaming and blaming you, substance abuse, saying mean and cruel things to you or about you, using manipulative tactics to try to stay in control of you, or any other unhealthy choices they make that are negatively impacting your relationship. You have a right to be concerned.

If you feel you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who they are, do not ignore this red flag.

They resist needed conversations or turn them against you. For example, when you bring up a topic that needs to be addressed, their denial of the issues at hand and the surrounding facts leaves you feeling like the crazy one. They go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms when they have a bad day or a hard conversation. They lack self-awareness or are emotionally tone-deaf—they are unable to understand how people perceive them. They have an out-of-proportion reaction to a conversation or the situation at hand. They don’t recognize the inappropriateness of their facial expressions, tone of voice, or timing in bringing up certain things. They tend not to own any of their parts of a conflict, always saying, “but you . . .” in response. More times than not, they lack empathy in situations and do not consider how their choices will affect the other person. They are unwilling to honor or respect any communicated boundaries. They do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions and expect you to pick up the pieces.

They let their emotions get the best of them and sabotage what otherwise should have been a beautiful moment.

So, when you try to establish boundaries to protect yourself from the chaos, they’ll see this as an extremely offensive move and will try to manipulate you into feeling guilty, so you drop your boundary. A manipulative person has never met a boundary that they liked!

A manipulative person will do anything to resist feeling controlled.

I want to keep myself in the place of living a life worthy of the Lord. I want to please Him. I want to bear fruit. I want to grow and be strengthened by God. I want to have endurance and patience. That’s what prompts me to ask myself, am I more or less likely to live out these verses without a needed boundary? My answer is that I’m less likely so I must keep the boundary until the Lord tells me otherwise.

Unhealthy people typically don’t manage their emotions and expectations (self-regulate) very well and can easily get offended when their lack of responsibility doesn’t become your emergency. Their thought process is often that their need trumps your limitations. And the telltale sign of their unhealthiness is their unwillingness to accept no as an answer without trying to make you feel terrible, punished, or unsure about the necessity of the boundary. If we want to stay healthy, we have to use our limited energy in the right way. We could waste years putting all our efforts into trying to change the other person’s mind or prove to them why we need the boundary, or worst of all, we could drop the boundary altogether and continue living in dysfunction.

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.”

Even if someone doesn’t like a boundary you have set, healthy people know the difference between hurt and harm. A friend who constantly runs late may feel hurt that you are no longer willing to ride with her to events but can recognize your boundary wasn’t put in place to cause her any harm. She won’t think that you’re selfish and rude. Nor will she blame her issues on you. And she certainly won’t diminish your identity, disrupt your safety, or disregard your assessment of reality. She’ll either adjust her untimeliness and ride with you or just meet you at the event. Either way, she will respect you enough to respect your boundaries.

Posing a boundary as a question opens us up to be questioned, debated, and disrespected. If a boundary is presented with doubt, it won’t be effectively carried out.