Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

Here’s who I am. I am a woman who loves God and loves other people. Therefore, because of Christ in me (Galatians 2:20), I am empowered to be the version of me God intended when He created me. I’m kind, creative, caring, generous, fun, and loyal.

boundaries help me stay true to who I really am. Without boundaries, I can hyperextend myself to the point where I become anxious, bitter, resentful, angry, annoyed, and distant. That’s not who I really am, so it’s my responsibility not to let another person’s actions and expectations wear me down to the worst version of myself. In a biblical sense, it’s me not allowing another person to make me betray who I am in Christ.

She knows boundaries aren’t meant to change her husband, force him to see things the way she does, or even teach him lessons. Of course, she wants her husband to stop watching porn. But he has to make that change for himself. So, her boundaries are to help her manage the hurt without constantly losing her temper or getting filled with bitter resentment.

But here’s where all of this could fall apart. The wife draws necessary boundaries and her husband lashes back: “It’s no wonder I watch porn. Look at what a nag you are. You are so dramatic. This isn’t that big of a deal. All men do this. I can’t even trust you with my struggles because you’re always looking to find something wrong with me. And you think this little boundary tactic is going to make me more attracted to you? No, this just shows me I’m justified because you don’t care about my needs.”

At the core of what’s tearing apart her marriage isn’t her need for a boundary but rather his inappropriate and unbiblical choices (Galatians 5:19–21).

For example, if I am a kind person, then my thoughts (orthodoxy), feelings (orthopathy), and actions (orthopraxy) should line up with that reality of wholeness. But if I allow the statements and actions of other people to get me so rattled that I start having harsh thoughts, bitter feelings, and snarky reactions, this is a fracture that’s probably indicating a boundary is necessary to help me find alignment and wholeness.

You are whole and healthy when who you are as a child of God is in alignment with what you know (orthodoxy), what you feel (orthopathy), and what you do (orthopraxy). Our boundaries won’t please some people. Our boundaries won’t be applauded or appreciated or help us keep everyone happy. Our boundaries won’t be the quick fix to make all our relationships feel better. Our boundaries won’t be the “hack” to teach people a lesson their mamas never did.

I want to love the right people well. I don’t want to get so emptied by the fractured people that I don’t have anything left to give to anyone else. And I don’t want to become so fractured myself that I stop functioning as a conduit of God’s goodness in this world.

clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom

We are walking in victory. Therefore, we should be wearing our victory clothes. It’s not just that we are kind because we have a natural bent toward wanting to be kind. Or that we are patient because we have a natural bent toward being patient. We show these outward qualities because of an inward understanding of who we are. The Bible clearly states we are chosen, holy, and dearly loved by God—see the beginning of Colossians 3:12. The best of who we are is made possible by the best of what God has done for us. He has chosen us. He has set us apart for His holy purpose. And He loves us with an intentional and dedicated love that won’t quit on us.

With the women I counsel, we develop a strategy for the necessary boundaries to be communicated and implemented in the right timing and in the right setting. We also determine appropriate consequences for specific boundary violations. We literally make a list that says, “If he does this, you do this.” What is communicated in vagueness, stays in vagueness, so we want to get as specific as possible. Here’s what the wife really needs to look for: How does her husband respond when she communicates the boundaries? Does he push back and resist the boundaries or is he willing to pursue recovery? Sometimes the worst part of this whole deal is the lying, hiding, denying, and projecting his issues onto her. But the hope in this is when he is willing to not just work on the pornography but also work on healing the trauma inside of him. That trauma is usually the real driving force behind this form of acting out.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

I want to be a woman of my word, and now I was going to have to go back on what I’d agreed to do. But integrity isn’t perfection. Integrity is humble honesty before the Lord and with other people.

No trauma is healed in a healthy way by developing unhealthy ways of coping.

If we want to be a good spouse, friend, coworker, daughter, sister, or neighbor, it’s not by being another person’s savior. Keeping someone from feeling their own desperate need for God isn’t love—it’s cruel.

We don’t want to be void of grace. But we also don’t want to rob someone of the good outcome that might happen if they recognize that you aren’t an unlimited source. The main point is, we shouldn’t and ultimately can’t be the one to supply all of what another person needs. Because God has a limitless supply, only He can meet all our needs (Philippians 4:19). Because God created us, only He can truly access the depths and fullness of someone’s heart (Romans 8:26–27). Because nothing is too hard for God, only He can sustain the type of giving a desperate soul longs for (Jeremiah 32:27).

And often He only did for others what they couldn’t do for themselves. He offered what only He could do and then required others to do what they could do. Jesus put mud on the blind man’s eyes but then told the blind man to go wash in the pool for himself. He didn’t run to get the water for him. He healed the lame man and told him to get up, take up his mat, and walk for himself. He didn’t carry the man or his mat. Jesus had compassion on the woman caught in adultery. He didn’t condone her actions but instead told her to go and leave her life of sin.

“But my people did not listen to my voice; Israel would not submit to me. So, I gave them over to their stubborn hearts, to follow their own counsels” (Psalm 81:11–12 ESV).

Healthy relationships don’t feel threatening. Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.

So, in light of all this, what do you fear the most in setting a boundary? If the fear you just listed above happens, then what? And what could happen next? And then what? And then? Play this all the way out, step by step. What parts of your fears are legitimate? What parts of your fears are being driven by something you feel you must have from this person? If you don’t draw a boundary, what negative effects will this have on you? What negative effects will this have on the relationship? Think through these negative effects on you. If nothing changes, is this relationship sustainable long term? By constantly saying yes to this person, how might you be getting in the way of what God might be trying to do with them?

What part of your emotional or physical strength could you get back if you draw this boundary? What might God do for you if you draw this boundary? How might this boundary help you stop feeling powerless or held hostage by this person’s opinions, judgments, unrealistic expectations, and unacceptable behaviors? How would drawing this boundary improve your mood, your attitude, or your health? How could drawing this boundary help you stop avoiding and start enjoying this person?

Healthy Ways of Coping: Intentional self-care (taking a walk, reading a helpful book, getting adequate sleep) Dinner with trusted friends Finding a new creative hobby (painting, cooking, writing poetry) Participating in regular therapy sessions Educating yourself on spiritually and emotionally healthy topics related to your healing (podcasts, Bible studies, online resources, workshops and seminars) Journaling and memorizing Scripture Now,

Because look at you—you’re breathing despite having the wind knocked out of some of your greatest hopes. Dancing with a limp in your spirit. Getting back up and, though you haven’t quite been able to completely dust off the rough realities, realizing grit ain’t all bad. You’ve survived that day. You’ve survived all the days since. And you are surviving this day too.

Your Lord and Savior doesn’t have that problem: “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:22–23). Jesus actually sends these people away. He spoke the truth and respected people’s choices . . . controlling others is a primary sign of toxicity, not a method for ministry. Jesus never cheapened the beauty of what he was saying by appearing desperate. In fact, he pretty much took the opposite approach: this is what’s true; take it or leave it. That confidence built the early church.3

Remember, some people appear to say the right things, but their actions betray their words. Jesus quoted Isaiah 29:13 in reference to such people: “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.” This was in the context of Jesus explaining what defiles a person in Matthew 15. Jesus went on to explain that people like the Pharisees are “blind guides” and instructs those listening to leave them! Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.” Then the disciples came to him and asked, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?” He replied, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.” (verses 10–14) So, lesson learned: Remember how Jesus defines the blind guide. Matthew 15:19–20, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person.” It is not only okay to end a relationship where these things are present, Jesus warns us if we don’t, we may run the risk of falling into a pit with them. I don’t want to be a pit dweller. I want to walk in the light. I want to delight in the truth. And I want my heart, mind, and words t...

There was a plan, but only I was staying true to the plan. Only I was staying put. We had mutually agreed to certain necessary boundaries, but he was no longer respecting them. All that we’d worked so hard to rebuild was now being torn apart. There’s a big difference between a heart set on construction and one seemingly hell-bent on destruction. I wasn’t the one breaking away from relational health. I wasn’t the one breaking promises and breaking hearts. I wasn’t the one leaving the place we’d worked so hard to get to. And that’s when I could finally say, “I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. I’m choosing to finally accept reality.”

But whatever reality is telling you, and however the Lord is leading you, move toward that. And that’s exactly what we’ve been doing throughout this whole book. And if reality is telling you that you’ve done all you can do, what comes next? You’ve made the big changes, you’ve prayed, you’ve sought wise counsel, you’ve had the conversations, you’ve set the boundaries, you’ve implemented the consequences, you’ve set even more clearly defined boundaries and yet, it’s not working.

God tells us that bullies, abusers, and oppressors do exist in this world. But he also clearly tells us that they are never to be protected, sanctioned, or supported by God’s people, especially within an intimate relationship (Ephesians 5:25 AMP; Colossians 3:19 AMP) . . . The marital relationship is the most intimate relationship God has ordained. In God’s design for marriage, being married should never lead to less safety, less sanity, or less strengthening for the individuals in that relationship but rather continue to nurture and nourish those qualities. Safety and trust are the most important foundation to maintain a healthy marriage.

Remember boundaries don’t work when we continue to give too much access to people who aren’t being responsible with that access. And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero. When this is the case, God’s not disappointed in you saying goodbye. Actually, God modeled this. And we should follow His lead.

God wanted redemption for Adam and Eve. . . . therefore, He didn’t enable them. He didn’t excuse away the problem they created. He didn’t make an exception and hope for the best. He didn’t allow them to keep sinning in His sacred garden. No, He let them face the consequences of their own choices. He responded to the choice they made and put them out of the garden. It was necessary to end their access to the garden. They demonstrated zero responsibility in the garden, therefore their access to the garden was taken away.

God didn’t abandon Adam and Eve, but their relationship dramatically changed. God no longer provided a perfect environment where gardening was immediately fruitful. Now, Adam would have to work hard to get the ground to produce food and sometimes his gardening efforts would all be in vain. Adam and Eve no longer had the same kind of provision, power, and authority they once had in the garden. And they and their descendants would forever wrestle between giving in to the pull of the flesh or surrendering to better choices that lead to God’s peace (1 Corinthians 10:13).

I acknowledge what isn’t. I state out loud what makes me so disappointed and how unfair the whole situation feels. I see it as a good thing to cry out to God. I will get it all out because He can handle my honesty, fear, anger, and utter devastation expressed in its most raw form. I give myself permission to cry as many tears as I need to. I then uninvite the image of the person I’ve held onto. That picture of who I wanted them to be isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality. I acknowledge the person is unwilling or incapable of what I so very much desire

separated from my husband and waited another entire year to see what God would do. I stopped intervening. I stopped trying to suggest the next thing I hoped would help. I stopped making suggestions to God. And I stopped feeling helpless. I allowed natural consequences to happen. I thought it would be the most terrifying year of my life. But I came to realize, it was actually less terrifying to remove my hands from the situation, accept reality, and let God do what only He can do. The greatest source of my suffering was my refusal to accept what I could not change.

You keep giving in, just praying you don’t give out. Maybe one more time of extra grace from you. Maybe one more time rescuing them. Maybe one more time looking the other way and suddenly they will turn a corner and bring home base back to you. You know this isn’t the way that it works. But you want to believe that maybe this time it will. Maybe you’ll be the hero. Maybe they will be the exception. Maybe they’ll change. You hold up statements you believe to be true and preach them to yourself like a rallying cry. And then you drench your pillow once again because you know you can’t keep doing this.

Remember, Jesus literally laid down His one glorious life one time and it was for a high and holy purpose. Jesus didn’t lay down His life to enable evil, perpetuate unholy or irresponsible behaviors, or to try and keep others happy.

And it’s also not realistic or biblical for me to sign on to rescue you from the consequences of choices you made that I had no say in.