Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

And as we open up to each other, the deeper we connect, the more vulnerable we become. The more vulnerable we become, the more exposed the tender places inside of us become. This exposure is risky. When we dare to be so very known, we risk being so very hurt. When we dare to be so very hopeful, we risk being so very disappointed. When we dare to be so very giving, we risk being so very taken advantage of. And when we dare to unnaturally change into what someone else needs, we risk losing ourselves in the process.

We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process.

But we can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.

we can’t set good boundaries without love. Setting boundaries from a place of anger and bitterness will only lead to control and manipulation. Setting boundaries as a punishment will only serve to imprison us. But setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty.

When we’re hurt, good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)

Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)

Have you ever considered that establishing healthy parameters in your relationships is actually an act of love? As you start this book, how does this change your perspective?

Nope, I typically atribute boundries with anger and punishment.

What may have motivated you in the past to set boundaries or say a goodbye? Take time to think this through and then write down your answers.

Hurt is the one thing I can think that has caused me to want to make boundries in the past.

Where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack of good boundaries.

All relationships can be difficult at times, but they should not be destructive to our well-being.

expectations are sometimes simmering resentments in disguise.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

We don’t want to get so consumed with the pain and chaos of unhealthy relationship patterns that we become a carrier of human hurt rather than a conduit of God’s love.

A hurtful statement can be called a mistake. But a repeated pattern of hurtful statements or uncaring attitudes or even unjust expectations is much more than a mistake. These patterns are misuses of the purposes of a relationship. Why is this so crucial to understand? Because unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives. Too much access without the correct responsibility is detrimental.

Now, instead of feeling stuck because I can’t control the choices of the other person, I take control of reducing the access to the level of responsibility they are capable of. That solution is called a boundary.

People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts.

Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.

We can use this conflict to make us more aware of our issues or totally ignore what the other person is saying and stay wrongly convinced that this will get better on its own. But it won’t. Appropriately addressing the issue is healthy. Ignoring the issue increases the likelihood of dysfunction.

In a relationship when truth is manipulated, denied, or partially omitted for the sake of covering up behaviors that should be addressed, dysfunctions may not just be difficult, they may become destructive. We then run the risk of a pattern of wrongs being tolerated as acceptable, because over time they start to feel less alarming, more acceptable, and eventually our version of “normal.”

But worst of all, I have betrayed myself by knowing something was off in a relationship but letting that person convince me otherwise.

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

Healthy changes in someone can’t be measured just by the words they speak. There must be evidence of changed thoughts, changed habits, changed behaviors, changed reactions, and changed patterns demonstrated consistently over a long period of time. How long? As long as it takes.

Remember, boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.

Just like our accounts can get overdrawn, so can our emotions. Just like spending that gets out of control can bankrupt a person’s finances, expending too much emotionally can bankrupt a person’s well-being.

“If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.”

The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.

If we can’t or won’t follow through with a consequence, then that person will eventually stop respecting what we have to say and ignore all future boundary attempts.

“Thank you so much for considering me. While my heart always wants to say yes to opportunities, the reality of my time requires me to say no. Again, I’m honored you thought of me and I hope your [your notes] [insert the activity they were inviting you to participate in or asking you a favor for] goes incredibly well. Thank you for understanding and, as always, I’m cheering you on.”

However, we need to make it a goal to not get pulled into overcommunicating or justifying or explaining ourselves ad nauseum and risk giving up on pursuing healthier relationship dynamics.

Dysregulation is when an external trigger causes you to go into your limbic system (fight, flight, or freeze mode), which is an automatic physical response to a perceived threat.

“Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”—Jim Cress

Passivity wasn’t working. Wishful thinking wasn’t working. By not addressing the situation I wasn’t being self-controlled. I was avoiding. And possibly even enabling behavior that could no longer go unaddressed.

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

Mature people can disagree but still respect the sanity of the other person. Mature people are willing to see the impact their actions are having on the other person and make reasonable adjustments.

If the glimpses of kindness and potential are what’s keeping you going, then eventually you’ll start accepting even harsh things as good. If you find yourself so grateful for the smallest common courtesy, you’re hanging your hope on nothing but air. If your friends think you are accepting too little and at the same time you’re wondering if you’re expecting too much, pay attention to that. And if you’re too afraid to talk about any of this with your wise friends, that’s not just a red flag—it’s a full-on fire.

They resist needed conversations or turn them against you. For example, when you bring up a topic that needs to be addressed, their denial of the issues at hand and the surrounding facts leaves you feeling like the crazy one. They go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms when they have a bad day or a hard conversation. They lack self-awareness or are emotionally tone-deaf—they are unable to understand how people perceive them. They have an out-of-proportion reaction to a conversation or the situation at hand. They don’t recognize the inappropriateness of their facial expressions, tone of voice, or timing in bringing up certain things. They tend not to own any of their parts of a conflict, always saying, “but you . . .” in response. More times than not, they lack empathy in situations and do not consider how their choices will affect the other person. They are unwilling to honor or respect any communicated boundaries. They do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions and expect you to pick up the pieces. They refuse to acknowledge how unhealed trauma from their past, possibly even their childhood, needs to be worked out so it’s not acted out. They rewrite history to prove a point that serves only them or their version of the truth. Their version of reality is not consistent with facts. Their version of the truth is what protects them, and they really can’t discern what is and is not deception. They let their emotions get the best of them and sabotage what other...

While being passive may look good at first, if I’m letting the tension of the situation build and intensify, I run the risk of getting so worn out from the hard dynamics at play that I start slipping back into immature reactions and unhealthy patterns.

anxiety. In verse 7 (ESV) Peter instructs us to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” And then in the second half of verse 8, after “Be sober-minded; be watchful,” the verse continues, “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (ESV). Peter is telling us what to do with our anxiety. We are to cast it on the Lord. And we are to be alert and sober-minded. God has a part, and we have a part.

to be sober-minded means regaining control over our actions and reactions.

Healthy equilibrium in a relationship is possible only when both people are equally committed to these things: healthy habits self-awareness empathy for the feelings of the other person

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

Unhealthy people typically don’t manage their emotions and expectations (self-regulate) very well and can easily get offended when their lack of responsibility doesn’t become your emergency.

Healthy people who desire healthy relationships don’t have an issue with other people’s healthy boundaries.

Remember, you are closest to who you really are when you are the closest to who He created you to be.

If we don’t know who we are, we will constantly be manipulated into who others want us to be or become enmeshed in the needs of other people.

Orthodoxy: What we know. Correct doctrine. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:17–18) Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Colossians 3:2)

Orthopathy: What we feel. Correct emotions. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:14–15)

Orthopraxy: What we do. Correct living. He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8) Do not merely listen to the w...