Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

We set boundaries so we know what

to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. Good boundaries help us preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye.

When we’re hurt, good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt.

good boundaries can pave the

road for the truest and purest version of love to emerge within the relationships that make up so much of who we are and what we want the most.

I’ve come to understand that boundaries aren’t a method to perfect but rather an opportunity to protect what God intended for relationships.

The real issue was I started to resent the amount of emotional access to my life I had given to her.

We don’t want to get so consumed with the pain and chaos of unhealthy relationship patterns that we become a carrier of human hurt rather than a conduit of God’s love.

Because unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

Too much access without the correct responsibility is detrimental.

Allowing someone access without accountability will eventually lead to abandonment. If I give you unlimited access to me and there’s no accountability, either I’m going to leave the relationship, or you will. If someone perpetually acts out, that person has abandoned the relationship.

She would call it “holding me accountable to being a good Christian” but through counseling I started to see this wasn’t her true intention. She was actually holding me hostage to doing things her way or she would make her disapproval known not

just to me but to others as well. And, in the end, I realized I had given too much access to her without requiring that same level of responsibility from her.

I have been more concerned with tending to other people’s needs to the point I don’t always know what I need. I remember, with one of the worst betrayals I’ve ever experienced, hugging the person and telling them what they needed at that moment was what was most important. And then I went into the bathroom and hyperventilated. I have rewarded people for disrespecting my boundaries. A classic line I’ve used: “But they didn’t mean it this time. I’ll just love them better and things will get better.”

If I am not convinced of my limits and how damaging it is for someone to push

me past my limits, I’ll be weak communicating my boundaries.

“Adults inform. Children explain.”

Usually, these are people who feel a little inconvenienced or frustrated by the boundary and would rather I ignore the issues at hand than address them.

Trust me with this. If someone is demanding you drop a boundary or trying to charm and convince you that it’s no longer necessary—beware. People who are genuine and honest don’t go on and on trying to convince you what a good person they are. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us that “charm is deceptive.”

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

One example of a misuse of someone’s access is bringing things into your environment that make you feel uncomfortable,

offensive language, listening to or watching inappropriate

gossi...

jud...

religious views or conspirac...

“If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has

called you to do, for you that person is toxic.”

The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.

We sometimes need others to help us process and navigate the hardships we are facing. But what Paul is teaching us in Philippians 4:4–9 is what to do when anxiety gets triggered in us.

You might say, “In order for us to stay in this conversation, we need to agree not to attack each other, raise our voices, get defensive, or bring up other grievances or topics that aren’t related to the discussion at hand. If

For both our sakes, I am unwilling to move forward in a conversation that turns hurtful.”

you are informing them, not debating the validity of your need.

It’s often people who need boundaries the most who will respect them the least. Don’t be surprised or caught off guard by this. You can return kindness for this frustration and even empathy for their anger.

But see this as an affirmation you are doing the right thing. Stand firm and state the consequenc...

We are taking responsibility to keep our own sanity, safety, and serenity in check. We aren’t responsible for the other person’s choices, but we are responsible for our actions and our reactions.

“I love you and I care about you. And at the same time, there are some behaviors that are requiring me to make changes to our relationship. When you [your notes] [insert the unacceptable behavior, substance abuse, or addiction] in my presence, it affects me in ways that I am no longer willing to accept. This isn’t an accusation or judgment against you. You’re an adult and your choices are your own. This is me being

proactive about my well-being and making wise choices for myself. So, I am requesting that you no longer use these substances [or insert other unhealthy behavior] around me or in my home. If you are unable to agree to these parameters, then we’ll need to limit our interactions and I can no longer have you visit my home. Again, this is because I care not only about my well-being but also about keeping our relationship in a more sustainable place.”

Please hear me when I say this. I didn’t feel that I was better than the people who weren’t pursuing emotional growth. I was just desperate enough for help that I finally tended to my issues.

They were comfortable in the dysfunction. I no longer was.

“Your healing will bring out the emotional immaturity of those around you not willing to pursue health for themselves.”

If this is you, don’t be surprised by the tension caused by relational strain. And when you decide to establish boundaries and the other person tries to label you as controlling, difficult, or uncooperative, see it as a compliment. Yes, you read that

right—see it as a compliment.

They are frustrated with you because you are no longer willing to participate in the unhe...

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

“What people don’t work out, they act out.” Their unwillingness to address the issues driving their behavior is their choice. You cannot force people

to do what they are not willing to do. You don’t need to fight it. Agree with it and accept it.

Your light exposes something inside of them they’d rather keep hidden in the darkness.

Examples of how this might show up will vary,

saying mean and cruel things to you or about you, using manipulative tactics to try to stay in control of you, or any other unhealthy choices they make that are negatively impacting your relationship.

You will never be able to stay where you are and lift them to a more mature or healthy place. They have to do the work themselves.