Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

When someone demonstrates a consistent inability to exercise restraint in their emotions and actions, they’ve been stunted at some point in their journey to maturity.

Sister, what you see in glimpses should be what you see the majority of the time. If the glimpses of kindness and potential are what’s keeping you going, then eventually you’ll start accepting even harsh things as good. If you find yourself so grateful for the smallest common courtesy, you’re hanging your hope on nothing but air.

If your friends think you are accepting too little and at the same time you’re wondering if you’re expecting too much, pay attention to that.

that’s not just a red flag—it’s a full-on fire. If you feel you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who t...

What is Peter addressing here? It’s anxiety. In verse 7 (ESV) Peter instructs us to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

Questioning our identity is doubting who we are because we have given too much power to other people by letting their opinions define us.

When their opinion of us starts to affect how we see ourselves, we can lose sight of the best parts of who we are because we get entangled in the exhausting pursuit of trying to keep that relationship intact no matter the cost.

Here’s who I am. I am a woman who loves God and loves other people. Therefore, because of Christ in me (Galatians 2:20), I am empowered to be the version of me God intended when He created me. I’m kind, creative, caring, generous, fun, and loyal.

Defining what is and is not acceptable is even more important with human relationships. If people are constantly annoying us, frustrating us, exhausting us, or running all over us, chances are we either don’t have the right kind of people in our life or we don’t have the right kind of boundaries. Or maybe it’s both.

Sometimes the worst kind of anger and bitterness happens when you feel forced to smile on the outside while you are screaming on the inside.

Again, this is why we must draw boundaries, get help from others, and use our voice to say, “[your notes] is not acceptable, and I will work to keep myself safe and healthy no matter what my spouse chooses from now on.”

Other people don’t get the final say about who we are. God does.

He didn’t people please, hoping to be well liked and accepted by everyone. And when people didn’t like what He had to say and they walked away from Him, and many people did, He didn’t drop His boundary, chase them down, and beg them to take Him

back. Jesus loved people enough to give them the choice to walk away.

All throughout Scripture, God always gave His people an option to foll...

own way of thinking. “But my people did not listen to my voice; Israel would not submit to me. So, I gave them over to their stubborn hearts, to follow...

When people didn’t like what Jesus had to say and they walked away from Him, He didn’t drop His boundary, chase them down, and beg them to take Him back.

Secure relationships don’t feel like everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.

I’ve said before that I’m loyal to a fault. And while that sounds noble it can also be codependent.

Or to try and shame the one who was hurt for being brave enough to say goodbye is beyond cruel.

He let people walk away without letting go of who He was.

And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.

When you are looking into God’s Word for guidance, those who look elsewhere won’t feel as grounded.

And unless you can alter the universe and wrangle the sun, you just aren’t going to be able to get your vision and their vision to align.

I’ve had the marked moment of accepting what is and what is not. And it’s from this place of acceptance that I will move forward into healing.

“I think the answer to your question is yes and no. No, because God may allow and probably will allow more hardships ahead. Yes,

that you’ve already faced in your life has strengthened you to face what’s ahead with more resiliency and assurance that God will take everything and work good from it (2 Corinthians 4:17–18). You aren’t that same unsure and vulnerable girl today that you were ten years ago. You’ve allowed what you’ve faced to strengthen you instead of weakening you. You are wiser. You are more discerning. You are more assured of how to stay close to God. So, you’ll go with God more readily and see His goodness ahead more quickly.