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February 24 - March 16, 2024
Your light exposes something inside of them they’d rather keep hidden in the darkness. So, of course, it’s offensive to them. It’s painful to feel exposed. It’s only natural for them to lash out, but they are just trying to turn off the light as quickly as possible. It’s not a personal attack against you (although it will certainly feel excruciatingly personal at times). It’s an attempt by that other person to protect whatever illegitimate ways they are getting their legitimate needs met.
The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.
That’s why we have to work through these things and grow into a maturity enabling us to use restraint. Mature people can disagree but still respect the sanity of the other person. Mature people are willing to see the impact their actions are having on the other person and make reasonable adjustments. Or, if they are unwilling to adjust, mature people at least communicate their unwillingness and acknowledge that the relationship may need to change significantly. They do all of this without accusing, abusing, or losing it.
It’s immaturity that creates the crazy-making effect of causing you to doubt reality, second guess what is true, and get yourself so off-kilter you stop addressing what obviously needs to be talked about. Another person’s immaturity will always be felt by a mature person. You may not be able to put your finger on it, but you will ask, “What’s going on here?” The person may be extremely intelligent and successful and even quote Bible verses left and right but lack emotional maturity. That doesn’t mean we should leverage this in judgmental or demeaning ways against them. Remember, but for the
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One of the things that surprised me while I was studying Scripture is the connection between emotions and sobriety. Most of the time we simply think of sobriety as saying no to substances that make us lose control. But having a sober mind can also be an instruction not to let ourselves get out of control with our emotions as well. Let’s look at 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV): “Be sober-minded; be watchful.” This verse is giving us two responses that are important to keep in mind. First being “sober-minded” and second being “watchful.” The NIV uses the word alert. What is Peter addressing here? It’s
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Peter reminds us that while it is true that God wants us to give Him our anxiety, we also have a responsibility to stay clear-headed and pay attention to what is affecting and triggering our emotions. Here’s what I don’t see in this passage about dealing with anxiety: passivity.
What people don’t work out, they act out. When someone doesn’t work through their issues, they’ll make their issues your issues.
Unhealthy people typically don’t manage their emotions and expectations (self-regulate) very well and can easily get offended when their lack of responsibility doesn’t become your emergency. Their thought process is often that their need trumps your limitations. And the telltale sign of their unhealthiness is their unwillingness to accept no as an answer without trying to make you feel terrible, punished, or unsure about the necessity of the boundary. If we want to stay healthy, we have to use our limited energy in the right way.
But we must pay attention to those who accept our healthy boundaries and those who resist them.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.”
Therefore, because of Christ in me (Galatians 2:20), I am empowered to be the version of me God intended when He created me. I’m kind, creative, caring, generous, fun, and loyal.
“God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live . . . loved.”1
Good boundaries help us walk in the middle. Boundaries help us see that it’s not wrong for us to have needs. And it’s not wrong for other people to have needs.
Healthy relationships don’t feel threatening. Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.
Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.
“Mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs.”
If peace isn’t possible in the current circumstances in a relationship, then we must strive to find peace with that person by changing the circumstances or changing the relationship.
As we talked about before, sometimes there’s a gap that exposes those relational differences and makes them so much more obvious. As you move through life, if you are committed to developing humility, growing in spiritual maturity, staying emotionally and physically healthy, and managing your relationships more wisely, you’re going to find those gaps ever-widening between where you are and where some of those around you are.
If others have refused to go to counseling, as you learn healthier ways to process what you face, it’s only natural that unhealthy conversations will start to feel odd and uncomfortable. When you are looking into God’s Word for guidance, those who look elsewhere won’t feel as grounded. And as you’ve done the good work of forgiveness, those still holding onto grudges will frustrate you.
We are powerless to stop grief from happening. It will visit us all in various forms and for many different reasons. But the absolute commonality for all grief is the disappointment and pain that accompanies it. We mourn what will not be. But even more so we mourn what imperfection and sin has done to all of us. We all contribute to the reasons there is so much pain in this world. We all hurt others. We all fall short in the roles and responsibilities we carry. We all cause grief. We all carry grief. But the good news is, we don’t have to be consumed by our grief. Isaiah 53:2–6 is very
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As we better grieve the sorrows, we will soon receive our tomorrows with a little more healing and a lot more life.
When set appropriately and kept consistently, boundaries really do serve to help keep us safe and our relationships healthy.
MATTHEW 5:39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.
Here’s what this verse actually means: This verse speaks to an important principle of what to do when someone wrongs you. Jesus does not intend for us to test the limits of the example but for us to embrace the principle of the example. This means we are unwilling to respond to an offense with an offense but rather display maturity. This could be as simple as walking away from a heated conversation without attacking or retaliating against the other person. By keeping calm, we remain in control even when the other person is acting out of control. When we do this, we are demonstrating that the
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What Jesus intends in Matthew 5:39 is to remind us, when our dignity is violated, not to validate the abuse by doing the very same thing to the other person that they did to us. They already hurt us. But they hurt us double when we allow their wrong behavior to turn us into someone we are not. This verse is in no way perpetuating or welcoming abusive behavior from others. It’s simply saying that if someone does something hurtful to us, we won’t react in ways that intentionally hurt them right back. In this way, we are declaring with our response that abuse is not acceptable and therefore will
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I’m drawing a boundary so I can stay safe and keep my heart from getting so wounded in our situation that I lash out in return. Since my heart is motivated by love and health, that’s what I want to be evident in my actions.
