Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

But I think it also applies to guarding the access to our hearts in other relationships as well.

Interestingly, the Hebrew word for guard, mišmār, communicates an active nature of h...

What this means is that guarding is active, not passive. We aren’t trying to protect ourselves from love. If we love, we will risk being hurt. But we ar...

don’t want to get so consumed with the pain and chaos of unhealthy relationship patterns that we become a carrier of human hurt ...

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be. God loves us but He has established that ...

Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear. (Isaiah 59:1–2) If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.

Notice that the words sin and iniquity are both used in these verses. I am more familiar with sin but not as much with iniquity.

discovered iniquity points to the character or motivation of the action more than the action itself. So, it’s not just what someone does or doesn’t do; it’s what her actions represent.

both sin and iniquity have consequences that change the access God allows in His relationships.

But a repeated pattern of hurtful statements or uncaring attitudes or even unjust expectations is much more than a mistake. These patterns are misuses of the purposes of a relationship.

Because unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

“Continued iniquity leads to irregular desires, which leads to a degenerate mind. Romans 1:28–32 describes this deviation in graphic detail.”

Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Like I said before, boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they are a God idea.

But what about an example of God using boundaries to guard access? When the temple was constructed, those given the greatest access (the high priests) were also called to the highest standard of purity and responsibility necessary to enter the holy of holies. If they

violated God’s established boundary and entered the holy of holies without being properly cleansed and purified, death was the consequence.

When Jesus came to make atonement for our sins, we were forgiven, and we are also required to live lives where forgiveness is given and received in our relationships with others. Ongoing and unrepented sins still have consequences. God offers all people love, but not all people will have access to life in eternity with Him. Why? Because sin separates. So, if we never repent of our sins and accept the new hearts that come through salvation in Christ, the wages of sin are eternal s...

we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives. Too much access without t...

instead of feeling stuck because I can’t control the choices of the other person, I take control of reducing the access to the level of responsibility they are capable of. That solution is called a boundary.

Setting a boundary is being responsible enough to reduce the access we grant to others based on their ability to be responsible with that access.

Bottom line: God established boundaries to protect intimacy, not decimate it. And we should do the same.

First, you are not alone in your struggles. I haven’t met even one person who has truly mastered all that we’ve been talking about. You aren’t a relationship failure just because you have relational hardships. You are full of potential and so are those you are in relationship with. Second, I know part of what makes this complicated is that usually by the time we realize we need boundaries, we are carrying hurt. I want to acknowledge your hurt just like I want others to acknowledge mine. While we want to acknowledge the pain, we don’t want to use any part of this message to perpetuate more pain. Boundaries aren’t meant to be weaponized. They are meant to be used to prioritize keeping relationships safe.

And last, there is a big difference between difficult relationships and destructive relationships. We will address this important distinction in later chapters, but if you are being abused, please get help immediately from safe, trained professionals.

Conversations open the way for us to address what is and isn’t working. But even more, they help us establish healthy patterns instead of accepting patterns that are unhealthy.

On a continuum, relationships are either constructive on one end or destructive on the other.

Dysfunction means things aren’t working correctly.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. One who has no sense shakes hands in pledge and puts up security for a neighbor” (Proverbs 17:17–18).

what this verse can also mean is that there are some friends who are there for you in both good times and times of adversity to the extent that they become as close to you as family.

This kind of emotional closeness encourages that each of you grants great access to one another.

allowing unwise access is still unwise even if it is difficult to draw a boundary.

“Adults inform. Children explain.”

Sometimes I can’t find the strength to stand firm with people who know both me and the person with whom I’ve set a boundary. When other people excuse away or minimize this person’s behavior, keeping the boundary can feel doubly difficult. If others don’t feel personally threatened or triggered by this person’s behavior, then they may accuse me of making more out of this situation than I “should.” Usually, these are people who feel a little inconvenienced or frustrated by the boundary and would rather I ignore the issues at hand than address them. This can often happen at the holidays when your family wants everyone to get together, but you have a necessary boundary with someone whose behavior you are no longer willing to tolerate. Or it can happen at work when you are expected to “set aside personal issues” but sometimes professional issues cross over into personal violations.

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

Boundaries define and protect freedom

Access requires responsibility.

Broken boundaries bring consequences

Consequences should be for protection not harm.

Paint is beautiful unless it is a mask that hides serious underlying issues.

Yes, Jesus laid down His life for sinners. But it wasn’t so they could keep sinning. It was for a holy purpose leading to wholeness, healing, and salvation of their souls. Jesus didn’t enable people. Jesus didn’t beg people. Jesus didn’t accept excuses for sin or let people off the hook because they were mostly good. No, He instructed them to leave their lives of sin.

When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries, or we can pay consequences.

When we allow our emotions to be misused and abused, there will be consequences.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We sometimes need others to help us process and navigate the hardships we are facing.

The feeling of anxiety is like an alarm bell alerting us to remember the Lord is near, so we don’t have to overreact; we can let the peace of God protect our hearts and minds, and intentionally direct and filter our thoughts, factoring in what is still good. And keep putting into practice these good principles.

But we need to let that anxiety be an alarm and not a constant state of being.

If you don’t implement the necessary boundary with the card, your anxiety could turn into animosity and make you suspicious of all your employees and possibly even foster distrust with everyone.

Or maybe you have a best friend you love dearly but she has exhibited a pattern of saying she’ll do something and then never follows through on it. Up until now, it’s been with smaller things that felt too insignificant to address. But the more it happens, the more you start to feel you can’t really count on her and you’re hesi–tant to commit to doing things with her. Then, she asks if she can throw a baby shower at your house for another mutual friend. You want to say yes, but you fear you’ll wind up carrying the weight of the entire gathering. Based on past experiences, she’ll drop major details, show up late, and not have half the food that the two of you agreed she would bring. You know you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with all that could probably play out with this shower, so you make the wise choice to say no. You are still willing to contribute in some way, but hosting it at your house would require a level of responsibility from your friend that she hasn’t previously shown when you’ve given her that kind of access. When your friend asks why you can’t host the shower, you don’t have to overexplain or even have a big, sit-down conversation about boundaries. You can simply state that you don’t have the capacity right now, thank her for understanding, and offer to help in other ways that don’t hyperextend you.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” This doesn’t mean we don’t say the hard things or set boundaries. It means we recognize we want conflict resolution instead of conflict escalation.

A boundary without a real consequence will never be taken seriously.