Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

When you are suffering because of choices that affect you but you have no control over, it’s time to start naming what’s really going on. It’s either a situation of misuse of someone’s access to you or a situation of abuse of their influence over you. And often it’s both at the same time.

other examples of abuse of someone’s access are doing things to you that are disorienting, damaging, demeaning, degrading, or flat-out dangerous.

Do you ever discern the other person is lying to you but when you ask them questions they get defensive and angry? Do they then, in turn, make you feel like the crazy one?

When you see a call or a text from them, do you fear they are about to hijack your peace and send you spiraling emotionally?

In conflict with this person, do you often have to take responsibility for everything while they resist taki...

Do you question your worth or your sanity after you have spent ti...

Are you constantly walking on eggshells because you’re afraid that one bad decision on your part will make the other person walk away? Or worse, you fear they will forever hold that one thing against you and use that instance as ...

Do you feel unable to share exciting successes in your life with this person for fear of them not celebrating you, or w...

What do the wise people in your life, who love you, are invested in your life, and have a good track record of giving helpful advice, have to say about this relationship? Are you willing to listen to those people, or do you provide excuses about why they are wrong?

Does the level of love you experience from this person seem to rise and fall based on what you do and don’t do for them?

I want to share a quote from Gary Thomas. In his book When to Walk Away, he says, “If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.”

The person

who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.

Today, most of us aren’t dealing with unusually large tigers chasing us. But we are dealing with the jolt of energy that comes when we are alarmed by misuse and abuse. That energy is anxiety. And that anxiety is compelling us to do something about whoever’s actions are making us feel that something isn’t right.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And

the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I especially appreciate that he doesn’t tell us to be silent about our troubles. We sometimes need others to help us process and navigate the hardships we are facing. But what Paul is teaching us in Philippians 4:4–9 is what to do when anxiety gets triggered in us.

The purpose of a boundary is to help you stay self-controlled and safe.

Your environment What you are, and are not, willing to tolerate What you do, and do not, have to give

“Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

we want conflict resolution instead of conflict escalation.

Avoid using the words always and never or any other language of extremes.

Remember you are establishing a boundary in support of the relationship, not against it.

The consequence should be a statement, not a question. You don’t need to ask their permission to implement a boundary or the consequences that go along with it.

The consequence can be discussed but it does not need to be justified or explained.

boundaries are beneficial for both parties in the relationship. So, let’s remember that there is also the benefit of what a boundary will do for us personally. We are taking responsibility to keep our own sanity, safety, and serenity in check. We aren’t responsible for the other person’s choices, but we are responsible for our actions and our reactions.

Remember, you set boundaries to help you stop feeling so stuck and powerless and allow you to get to a healthier place. It’s important that you think through the positives of setting boundaries and rehearse stating them clearly beforehand from a place of strength, so if things get tough and emotional you won’t give up.

“I love you and I care about you. And at the same time, there are some behaviors that are requiring me to make changes to our relationship. When you [your notes] [insert the unacceptable behavior, substance abuse, or addiction] in my presence, it affects me in ways that I am no longer willing to accept. This isn’t an accusation or judgment against you. You’re an adult and your choices are your own. This is me being proactive about my well-being and making wise choices for myself. So, I am requesting that you no longer use these substances [or insert other unhealthy behavior] around me or in my home. If you are unable to agree to these parameters, then we’ll need to limit our interactions and I can no longer have you visit my home.

I wanted calm, but the dilemma I was in was causing me so much anxiety because I hadn’t been willing to acknowledge where the heat was coming from. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of something that, in the grand scheme of all the schemes of life, didn’t seem like a big deal. I didn’t want to seem like “that girl” who is overly dramatic or petty or not mature enough in her Christianity to just “overlook an offense.” But I had overlooked this offense so many times and the situation still wasn’t changing. The person involved didn’t live in my house or even in the same state, but her words carried so much weight in my life that just a few harsh statements felt like daggers to the most tender places of my heart. When this person was in a hard situation, she felt it was completely acceptable to fly off the handle emotionally and verbally berate me. Or she would use numbing substances to the point that she either checked out completely or made no sense when I was trying to talk things through. That opened the door to her saying and doing things she wouldn’t normally say and do. I couldn’t predict what would trigger her. And no matter how I tried to address the issue, we didn’t ever make positive progress that stuck. This person didn’t consider how her actions and reactions were affecting our relationship. She refused to acknowledge

the impact all this was having on both of us. It’s also important to say that I didn’t always get things right in our conversations. But I was committed to fostering an environment between us where there was no yelling, we let the other person talk without interrupting, we wouldn’t make accusations, and we would have empathy for each other. This person didn’t see any need to embrace healthier ways of communicating. The way things had always been was still so very acceptable to them. But it was so very eroding to me.

as I continued to pursue progress over time, it only exposed the major differences between healthy behaviors and unhealthy ones. It almost started to seem as if some people in my life were more and more offended by my efforts—more and more frustrated with my definition of what was acceptable and was no longer acceptable—and more and more resistant to addressing issues.

Please hear me when I say this. I didn’t feel that I was better than the people who weren’t pursuing emotional growth. I was just desperate enough for help that I finally tended to my issues. And in the process I grew, but others weren’t on the same trajectory. And navigating this was becoming more and more painful. They were comfortable in the dysfunction. I no longer was.

person tries to label you as controlling, difficult, or uncooperative, see it as a compliment. Yes, you read that right—see it as a compliment. They are frustrated with you because you are no longer willing to participate in the unhealthy patterns of the past. You have decided to raise your actions and words to higher levels of maturity. And if someone chooses not to join you, there will be great tension. In every relationship there are patterns of relating. If you change the pattern and the other person doesn’t agree with the change, there will be agitation.

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

“What people don’t work out, they act out.” Their unwillingness to address the issues driving their behavior is their choice. You cannot force people to do what they are not willing to do. You don’t need to fight it. Agree with it and accept it. Grieve someone’s refusal to keep growing, but don’t beg them to see your boundaries as a good thing. They may never see your boundaries as a good thing.

Your light exposes something inside of them they’d rather keep hidden in the darkness. So, of course, it’s offensive to them. It’s painful to feel exposed. It’s only natural for them

to lash out, but they are just trying to turn off the light as quickly as possible. It’s not a personal attack against you (although it will certainly feel excruciatingly personal at times). It’s an attempt by that other person to protect whatev...

Sometimes the problem is that you’re more concerned for them than they are concerned for themselves.

The mature person has a choice to sink down or rise above and stand firm in their health. Obviously, this will cause more and more distance in the relationship the greater the chasm widens between two people who are in different places emotionally.

Another person’s immaturity will always be felt by a mature person. You may not be able to put your finger on it, but you will ask, “What’s going on here?” The person may be extremely intelligent and successful and even quote Bible verses left and right but lack emotional maturity.

We don’t want to grow hard, angry, or develop an attitude of superiority when setting boundaries. We must stay humble and surrendered to Jesus in this process. So, let them have their own journey and revelation. Be wise with setting and keeping your boundaries and remember that you don’t have to stay in the same place the other person is in.

And use these insights to help you become more aware of what’s at play, so you don’t keep feeling like the crazy one and discounting your discernment.

If you find yourself so grateful for the smallest common courtesy, you’re hanging your hope on nothing but air.

If you feel you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who they are, do not ignore this red flag.

They go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms when they have a bad day or a hard conversation.

They lack self-awareness or are emotionally tone-deaf—they are unable to understand how people perceive them.

They have an out-of-proportion reaction to a conversation or th...

They tend not to own any of their parts of a conflict, always saying, “but you . . .” in response.

More times than not, they lack empathy in situations and do not consider how their choices will affect the other person.