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July 10 - August 2, 2023
Other people don’t get the final say about who we are. God does.
we must place a boundary around our identity, protecting it and guarding it, using God’s truth to inform and stabilize what we know, what we feel, and what we do.
As we’ve discussed before, boundaries aren’t meant to control another person. Boundaries make it possible for us to hold ourselves together.
If you are living in the constant tension that the only way to save a relationship is to keep that other person happy, the goal of someone else being happy shouldn’t be your definition of healthy.
The best of who we are is made possible by the best of what God has done for us. He has chosen us. He has set us apart for His holy purpose. And He loves us with an intentional and dedicated love that won’t quit on us.
When we are giving most of our energy and efforts each day trying so hard to stay “good” with another person, we stop paying attention to our own well-being. And we run such a risk of becoming the worst version of ourselves: exhausted, depressed, skeptical, distant, insecure, bitter, constantly feeling taken advantage of and manipulated.
And before we know it, no part of what we are doing for people is motivated by authentic love.
People pleasing isn’t just about keeping others happy. It’s about getting from them what we think we must have in order to feel okay in the world.
If someone doesn’t ever become aware of their own need for God, they will never truly embrace what only God can give them.
Trying to please people won’t ultimately satisfy us or the other person, and it certainly doesn’t please God.
God may be allowing that need in me so I will have the motivation to turn to Him.
God may be allowing someone to experience temporary discomfort so she’ll turn her deepest longings over to Him and receive what we ultimately can’t ever give her.
We don’t want to be void of grace. But we also don’t want to rob someone of the good outcome that might happen if they recognize that you aren’t an unlimited source. The main point is, we shouldn’t and ultimately can’t be the one to supply all of what another person needs.
Because God has a limitless supply, only He can meet all our needs (Philippians 4:19). Because God created us, only He can truly access the depths and fullness of someone’s heart (Romans 8:26–27). Because nothing is too hard for God, only He can sustain the type of giving a desperate soul longs for (Jeremiah 32:27).
Jesus loved people enough to give them the choice to walk away.
God calls us to obey Him. God does not call us to obey every wish and whim of other people.
God calls us to love other people. God does not call us to demand that they love us back and meet every need we have.
Clearly in the Bible there are times when we are called to stay, fight, and pursue relationships. However, we also clearly see in Scripture that there are absolutely situations and circumstances when the most God-honoring action is for us to separate ourselves and say goodbye to a relationship.
In Genesis chapter 13, Abraham and his nephew Lot decided to separate and live in different locations apart from each other due to the constant quarreling between them and among those managing their flocks and herds.
In the New Testament we find that Paul and Barnabas had a “sharp contention” (Acts 15:36–41 NKJV) about taking a cousin of Barnabas named John Mark with them to be a helper for their next missionary journey.
They could not reach an agreement, and so they split up.
As a result, perhaps even more work was accomplished for the Lord because of the manner in which their disagreement was handled.
controlling others is a primary sign of toxicity, not a method for ministry.
Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.” Then the disciples came to him and asked, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?” He replied, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.” (verses 10–14)
And then the other night I literally just closed my eyes and pictured Jesus’ hands. I mentally started placing all the memories one by one into His strong, carpentry-calloused, nail-pierced, grace-gripped hands. I asked the Lord to help me whisper “God be with you” over each memory.
After all, Isaiah 61:1 says that the Messiah would come to heal the brokenhearted.
In a codependent relationship, there is often more of a focus on the unhealthy person (who, in this scenario, we’ll call “the addict”) than on oneself (who we will call “the codependent”). Enormous amounts of time are spent trying to please or manage the addict and make sure they’re okay. Most people who are in a relationship with an addict have low to no boundaries—all their energy goes to the addict and what they want. The addict will imply things like “I want you to let me do whatever I want. Don’t require anything of me, no boundaries.” Loyalty to the addict supersedes the codependent’s
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Forgiveness is a command by God, but reconciliation should be very conditional on many factors—most of all whether all parties involved can stay safe and healthy if they stay together.
that’s when I could finally say, “I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. I’m choosing to finally accept reality.”
You’ve made the big changes, you’ve prayed, you’ve sought wise counsel, you’ve had the conversations, you’ve set the boundaries, you’ve implemented the consequences, you’ve set even more clearly defined boundaries and yet, it’s not working.
Vernick defines the difference between difficult and destructive relationships:
My definition of an emotionally destructive relationship is this: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse and lack of change.
When we give people relational access to us, it should never lead to “less safety, less sanity, or less strengthening for the individuals in that relationship.”
Remember boundaries don’t work when we continue to give too much access to people who aren’t being responsible with that access. And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.
When this is the case, God’s not disappointed in you saying goodbye. Actually, God modeled this. And we should follow His lead. God actually esta...
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we all need grace when we mess up. But we also need the awareness that there is a difference between an occasional slip in behavior and an ongoing pattern of behavior.
I’m certainly not advocating a quick and easy pathway to ghosting friends, no longer seeing your parents, or quickly divorcing your spouse. Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship.
“if possible,” which imply sometimes it is not possible.
When one meets with an irascible person, on the look out to pick a quarrel, ill-conditioned, and out of elbows with the whole world, it is best to move on, and let him alone. Even if he can do you no harm, and if his irritation be utterly unreasonable, it is best to remove all exciting causes of provocation, for it is never wise to irritate vipers. You do not on purpose walk heavily across the floor to teach a gouty man that you have no respect for his tender feelings since he ought not to be so susceptible; neither should you vex those afflicted with a bad temper, and then plead that they
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Their presence, not their problems, was causing the snake to be so irritated that he was striking at the people.
when those who inflict harm aren’t horrified by it enough to get help so they don’t do it again, they most likely will do it again. And remember, the greater access we give them, the greater we will feel the impact of their harmful actions and the longer it will take us to recover from it all.
If we want recovery and healing, we would be wise to take a break or possibly make a clean break from the one wounding us.
We can do it without hatred (anger) like ...
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We can do it for a season or do it for a lifetime like God instructs.
We can have compassion on their pain like God instructs.
We can and should work to forgive them like God instructs.
We can get rid of bitterness toward them like God instructs.
We can keep praying for them like God instructs.
And we can move on from them like God instructs.
People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power.
