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November 24 - December 4, 2023
Platonic love was not romantic love undergoing subtraction. It was a purer form of love, one for someone’s soul, as Ficino writes, “For it does not desire this or that body, but desires the splendor of the divine light shining through bodies.”
Meta-analyses have found, for example, that exercise decreases our risk of death by 23 to 30 percent, diet by up to 24 percent, and a large social network by 45 percent.
Our shame, according to Sullivan, comes less from the inherent agony of our experiences and more from the agony of these experiences severing us from humankind. How do we feel human again? Through friendship,
The study lends credence to a psychological theory called reciprocity theory, which emphasizes that people treat us like we treat them. If we are kind, open, and trusting, people are more likely to respond in kind. Secure people, then, don’t just assume others are trustworthy; they make others trustworthy through their good faith.
A solid sense of self, unrattled by the skirmishes that inevitably arise in close relationships, gives secure people the composure to grant others grace, which explains why, research finds, they are better at maintaining friendships and less likely to get into conflict.
Studies have found, for example, that avoidant attachment is related to poorer immune functioning, severe headaches, and chronic pain.
For vulnerable narcissists, or to some extent for anxious people (and avoidants too, for that matter), there’s so much attention given to how others are slighting them that this concern eclipses their evaluation of how they treat people.
It was much easier to walk through a world where people liked me, instead of me liking people.
even if the social landscape doesn’t make friendship easy, we still have agency.
Our thoughts often hurt us more than our bullies do. The truth is, no one cares about your social clumsiness as much as you do. They’re too busy worrying about their own.
the social climate isn’t a static reality. Our perception of it is linked to the actions we take within it.
We can initiate a conversation with strangers by using the insight and question method developed by David Hoffeld, CEO and chief sales trainer at Hoffeld Group. This involves simply sharing a statement or insight and asking a question to follow up.
The truth is, what feels vulnerable for us reveals something deeper about what we’ve learned to be ashamed of.
As Eric Micha’el Leventhal, a holistic educator and author of A Light from the Shadows, put it, “We are at our most powerful the moment we no longer need to be powerful.”
In Aron’s 36 Questions study, in which he paired strangers to answer increasingly intimate questions, avoidant pairs developed the least closeness after responding to the questions. These avoidant responses remind us that if we share and someone recoils, we weren’t necessarily wrong to share. The person may just be the wrong container for our sharing.
Harriet Lerner frames this well in her book The Dance of Connection: “Let go of expectations of getting the response you want. We will always come from a more solid place if we speak to preserve our own well-being and integrity and refuse to be silenced by fear.”
Freud called this “repetition compulsion.” We return to the site of our pain for our healing because what’s more validating than validation from the person who hurt us?
people who dominate others aren’t as happy in their close relationships as those who build equal relationships.
When we’re insecure, we’re often so consumed by our own pain that we lack the resources to care.
Our behaviors in relationships often lie on a continuum, from those that protect us on one side and those that protect the relationship on the other.
in the words of Black feminist scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw, “Treating different things the same can generate as much an inequality as treating the same things differently.”
Alejandro. I wasn’t controlled by the expression of anger but by the negation of it.
then, as Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering, put it, “Connection is threatened as much by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflict.”
Respond to your friends’ concerns with: Understanding: rephrasing what your friend said back to them Validation: telling them their concern is valid and understandable Care: sharing what you will do to improve. Make sure you commit to something you will follow through with.
Fay Bound Alberti, in A Biography of Loneliness: The History of an Emotion, argues the internet has given us relationships built on shared interests without accountability to one another.
research finds that on days when we’re too focused on our relationships, we naturally desire to focus on ourselves. But also, when we’re too focused on ourselves, we naturally desire to focus on our relationships. We are creatures of balance. This is a good thing.
in the words of author Neil Strauss, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Homohysteria describes straight men’s fears of being perceived as gay, and researchers argue that these fears impede emotional intimacy among men.
Studies have shown that the affectionate are less depressed, have higher self-esteem, and have lower cholesterol, cortisol, and blood pressure. These studies reveal that while we think showing affection benefits others, it also kicks up positive energy inside us. When we judge, the negative energy corrodes us, but when we love, the warm feelings enrich us.
study called “I Like That You Feel My Pain, But I Love That You Feel My Joy” found that we are more satisfied in our close relationships when other people are happy for our joy. In fact, this responsiveness more greatly predicted the quality of the relationship than how others responded to our suffering.
