More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
October 9 - October 18, 2023
Platonic love lies at the lowest rung of the hierarchy our culture places on love. But I’ve learned it’s a devastating loss to us all if we dispose of it there.
Scientists have found that of 106 factors that influence depression, having someone to confide in is the strongest preventor. The impact of loneliness on our mortality is akin to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.
friendship is what gives romantic love its strength and endurance, rather than the other way around.
Shame prompts us to ignore, bury, or distance a piece of ourselves. But in our obsession with hiding that flaw, it absorbs us, and ironically, as we try to detach from it, it becomes engulfing.
“What would you do if you could not fail?” a card at Whole Foods once asked me, dragging me into an existential crisis when I was just hoping to buy some egg white cheese curls.
Sometimes one friend will go through something and you’re like, ‘He keeps talking about this. That is so annoying.’ You vent to another friend, but it doesn’t take away from the love that you have for that person and the support that you will continue to show them. I’m accepting of that, and it’s part of the dynamics of friendships.”
most of us aren’t just insecure or secure; we’re insecure at times and secure in others. Growth is bending toward security even if total security eludes us. Lewis
Sharon Abramowitz, an anthropologist, concluded in the book Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging, “We are an antihuman society. . . . Our society is alienating, technical, cold, and mystifying. Our fundamental desire, as human beings, is to be close to others, and our society does not allow for that.”
When we regularly place ourselves in physical proximity with others we can connect to, we are writing our own fate, acknowledging that we have control over our friendships, and upping our chances of connection.
None of us wants to be misunderstood, but when we downplay our feelings, we invite misunderstanding.
Instead of conveying that we like and trust the person we interact with, which occurs when we share gradually, oversharing often conveys instead that we need to get something off our chest, and any listener will do.
To get yourself to be vulnerable, it’ll help if you remember that you’re not practicing it because it’s comfortable; you’re doing so because it aligns with your values. If you value connection, well-being, intimacy, meaning, honesty, self-care, showing up in the world as your truest self, then being vulnerable expresses your values.
when upset, women go inward, blaming themselves and feeling guilty and depressed. But men, instead, express their upset through how they interact with the world. This is evidenced by a study that found that women are more likely to suppress their anger, whereas men are more likely to act aggressively.
Often our most spirited arguments aren’t about logic, but about the drive to be dominant to avoid vulnerable emotions brewing underneath.
Don’t keep being vulnerable with people who have hurt you when you’re vulnerable.
People use authenticity as a cop-out for being mean.
Privilege is the latitude to be your authentic self, and to have people receive you that way, rather than through the caricature of stereotypes. Privilege means access to authenticity.
the only litmus test for whether an issue is worthy of being addressed is if it continues to bother you.
The sign that a conflict is over isn’t that you’ve spoken about it once. It’s that you’ve reached some sort of mutual understanding and resolution, and each party no longer harbors resentment, which may take a few go-arounds.
our truest selves are not revealed during conflict. Often our most triggered selves are.
When the giving tree is our paragon of generosity, we learn the right way to give is to give to the brink of ruin.
Selflessness grants us a one-way ticket to Burnout City, where everyone is depressed, overwhelmed, and sucking it up.
Being understood isn’t just about the other person putting in the time and effort to get us. It’s also about us making ourselves understandable.
Mutuality win-wins mean even if I am embroiled in my own crisis when my friend needs me, I can still provide some empathy while also getting the space I need to recover. That might look like “That’s so awful. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you reached out. I can chat later tomorrow.” Consider how that rings differently than “I’m drained. I will respond when I have energy again.” Both phrases achieve the same thing: a break to chat later, but one isn’t just focused on ourselves. One affirms that our friend’s needs are still a priority.
That study also found that the larger our network, the weaker our relationships tend to be. If we try to invest in everyone, we may end up investing in no one.
Romantic attraction can crop up without sexual attraction. And just because we feel one doesn’t mean we feel the other.
People who excel at making friends have one thing in common, and it’s less who they are and more how they treat people. They make people feel like they matter.
