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June 30 - July 18, 2022
toughness seemed easy to define: “Being able to overcome obstacles. You can’t feel sorry for yourself.”
Plotting these two characteristics, Baumrind found that most parents fell into three categories that lined up with Goldilocks’s search for the perfect bed. If a parent was low in demandingness and high in responsiveness, they were too soft, a permissive parent who would let their child get away with just about anything. If a parent was high in demandingness and low in responsiveness, they were too hard, an authoritarian who relied on harsh discipline, with little attention to the child’s needs.
The “just right” Goldilocks fit occurs when expectations are high, but so is support. High demand accompanied by warmth and understanding. All parents find themselves somewhere on this continuum, and we shift up and down it based on the context. But it’s when there is an extreme mismatch between demand and support that problems arise.
The authoritarian style creates the appearance of discipline without actually fostering it.
Instead, real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s maintaining a clear head to be able to make the appropriate decision. Toughness is navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can. And research shows that this model of toughness is more effective at getting results than the old one.
Real toughness is about providing the tool set to handle adversity. It’s teaching. Fake toughness creates fragility, responding out of fear, suppressing what we feel, and attempting to press onward no matter the situation or demands.
Toughness is having the space to make the right choice under discomfort.
Real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.
As podcaster Rich Roll told me in summarizing the hundreds of interviews he’s conducted, “Everybody goes through shit in their life. Nobody escapes obstacles.” If we’re going to face obstacles, we might as well figure out the best way to navigate them.
In the chapters that follow, I’m going to take you through the four pillars of real toughness so that you have the tool kit to navigate whatever obstacle you face. PILLAR 1: Ditch the Facade, Embrace Reality PILLAR 2: Listen to Your Body PILLAR 3: Respond Instead of React PILLAR 4: Transcend Discomfort
Popular lore often overlooks their abysmal results
A tough individual is like a robust immune system. It’s best to have knowledge to prepare for specific stressors, but even if we encounter an unfamiliar threat, we have a number of methods to cope with whatever comes our way.
How do we get from discomfort to action? Feel → Inner debate → Urge → Decision (freak out OR find our way through)
Performance = Actual demands ÷ Expected demands
TOUGHNESS MAXIM Our appraisal of a situation as a threat or as a challenge depends on the perceived demands of that stressor versus our perceived abilities to handle them. Do we have the resources to handle the demands?
“It’s easy to be tough when you know you can handle the situation. The true test comes when you can’t,” a former athlete of mine, Drevan Anderson-Kaapa,
Embrace reality. Accurate appraisal of demands + accurate appraisal of our abilities.
Over three studies, researchers found that better goal authenticity contributed to better goal achievement. When people chose goals that reflected their true selves, not their public selves, they were more likely to follow through. Those who failed often chose goals that were imposed on them by a parent, coach, or society in general. For those who were successful, goals came from within, reflecting who they were and what they cared about. A high degree of self-knowledge is what allowed these individuals to see clearly.
True Confidence Is Quiet; Insecurity Is Loud
Confidence is a filter, tinting how we see the challenges before us and our ability to handle them. It tips the scales toward an optimistic or pessimistic view of our current situation.
When our self-worth is dependent on outside factors, we have what researchers call a contingent self-worth. We derive our sense of self from what people think and how we are judged.
To develop true, inner confidence, there are four steps: Lower the bar. Raise the floor. Shed perfection. Embrace who you are. Trust your training. Trust yourself. Develop a quiet ego.
Brian Zuleger, a sports psychologist out of Adams State University, taught me an exercise to reframe expectations. Instead of aiming for our best performance, something that we can only accomplish rarely, shoot for improving your best average. When we judge ourselves against our all-time best, we inevitably fall short more often than not. Instead, averaging out our five most recent performances gives us a still tricky but achievable goal.
Michael Jordan, once said, “If you have doubt or concern about a shot, or feel the ‘pressure’ of that shot, it’s because you haven’t practiced it enough. The only way to relieve that pressure is to build your fundamentals, practice them over and over, so when the game breaks down, you can handle anything that transpires.”
A large part of developing confidence lies in creating a secure but flexible sense of self. And a large part of that depends on how we integrate success and failure into our inner story.
Alain de Botton said in his book On Confidence, “The way to greater confidence is not to reassure ourselves of our own dignity; it’s to come to peace with our inevitable ridiculousness.”
Our level of control changes how we respond to stress. When we have a sense of control, our alarm is quieter and easier to shut off.
When we don’t have control, we lose the capacity to cope. It’s when we have a choice that toughness is trained.
If feelings are meant to inform and nudge, emotions are the alarm bells, screaming at you that something changed and that you need to do something about it. Emotions move us from nudge to shove.
As writer Robert Wright wrote in the book Why Buddhism Is True, “What emotions do—what emotions are for—is to activate and coordinate the modular functions that are, in Darwinian terms, appropriate for the moment.” In other words, they are the first step in a cascade designed to prepare us for action.
“Pedigree gets you in the door; thoughtfulness and self-awareness are what separate you.”
Poor interoception → Poor predictions → Lower toughness and worse decision making
After analyzing participants’ descriptors of their self-talk in a number of scenarios, she narrowed in on five different voices that appeared to be the most prevalent: The Faithful Friend—tied to personal strength, relationships, and positive feelings The Ambivalent Parent—associated with strength, love, and caring criticism The Proud Rival—a voice that appeared distant and success-oriented The Calm Optimist—a relaxed voice with a positive outlook The Helpless Child—embodying negative emotions and a lack of a sense of control
Research from clinical psychologist Steven Hayes and colleagues showed that when people used overt self-talk, it made them accountable to whoever is in earshot, as opposed to inner dialogue, which only sets the standard for yourself.
In a study looking at positive self-talk, researchers out of the University of Waterloo found that positive self-talk worked as long as the subject had high self-esteem. If they had low self-esteem, positive self-talk could be detrimental. In other words, your brain isn’t going to be fooled by false bravado. We need a degree of belief that what we are saying is true. When it comes to self-talk, if you fake it, you don’t make it.
The six-year-olds who thought in first person, using “I” to reflect on their work, stayed on task only about 35 percent of the time, choosing the iPad for the majority of their ten minutes. The kids who referred to themselves by their name fared a little better, spending around 45 percent of their time on task. But it was the final group, which focused on Bob the Builder, Batman, or Dora the Explorer as the example of someone who worked hard, who stayed on task nearly 60 percent of the time. The more the child was distanced from his inner self, the longer he or she persisted.
Psychologists call this phenomenon affective inertia, an inability to let go of a sensation or emotion that has taken hold in our brain.
When our attention narrows, our cognition follows. Our eyes stop dancing from side to side and become stuck, staring at a few small points in front of us. All that matters is the narrow band of the world. Everything else is shut out. Pilots call this inattentional deafness. Scientists call it cognitive narrowing.
develop an arsenal of strategies so that when adversity arises, you’ll have the right tool for the job. Be adaptable instead of rigid and stoic. When it comes to using coping strategies, the science points to two key attributes that we need to develop: Flexibility to use different strategies Capacity to be able to utilize them
According to research, there are four key elements that controlling leaders utilize to create individuals who are dependent on them: Controlling use of rewards Negative conditional regard Intimidation and isolation Excessive personal control
On the other hand, leading via needs satisfaction helps create tougher, healthier, happier humans. As sports psychologist Laura Healy reported, “When athletes perceive their coaches to be more autonomy supportive, they report greater satisfaction of their basic psychological needs, and consequently strive for their goals with higher autonomous motives.”
three key needs that leaders have to satisfy: Being supported, not thwarted: having input, a voice, and a choice The ability to make progress and to grow Feeling connected to the team and mission; feeling like you belong
Cultivating an environment that allows for progress and competence has the following characteristics: A challenging but supportive environment The ability to take risks and voice your opinion without fear being the dominant motivator A path that shows the way for growth and improvement in your job or field
Instead, if we wanted to be fulfilled, there were three ways to achieve this. First, the act of doing. Creating—whether it be in an artistic pursuit or a labor of love—brought meaning to one’s life. The second was in experiencing—nature, love, art, or anything that might create the sensation of awe and expand one’s perspective of the world. You can imagine an audience sitting in a lecture hall being slightly thrown off by the joy and happiness declaration, but their minds were surely back in sync with the message of doing and experiencing to create meaning. The third key to fulfillment would
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Performance = Actual effort / Expected Effort * Drive
Purpose is the fuel that allows you to be tough.
According to psychiatrist Adriana Feder and colleagues at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, “Severe trauma triggers a search for meaning and a fundamental reconfiguration of a person’s life goals.”
When we explore instead of avoid, we are able to integrate the experience into our story. We’re able to make meaning out of struggle, out of suffering. Meaning is the glue that holds our mind together, allowing us to both respond and recover.
