Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness

by Steve Magness

To develop true, inner confidence, there are four steps: Lower the bar. Raise the floor. Shed perfection. Embrace who you are. Trust your training. Trust yourself. Develop a quiet ego.

As writer Robert Wright wrote in the book Why Buddhism Is True, “What emotions do—what emotions are for—is to activate and coordinate the modular functions that are, in Darwinian terms, appropriate for the moment.” In other words, they are the first step in a cascade designed to prepare us for action.

If the messenger (feeling) shouts loud enough, a corresponding thought will enter our awareness to motivate us toward a behavioral response or action. Our inner speech serves to integrate our variety of systems or selves. To bring concerns and motives to awareness and decide what to do with them.

Using second or third person creates distance between the experience and our emotional response. This linguistic trick allows us to zoom out. When we can create space and broaden our worldview, we slow the path from emotional reaction to inner battle to action. By creating space with a simple change in our vocabulary, we regain control instead of defaulting toward the easy decision.

In an essay on emotional care, author and philosopher Alain de Botton suggested, “A good internal voice is rather like (and just as important as) a genuinely decent judge: someone who can separate good from bad but who will always be merciful, fair, accurate in understanding what’s going on, and interested in helping us deal with our problems.” It’s not whether our inner voice is an optimist or a pessimist. It’s whether it’s fair. If we find our internal negativity holding us back, or our eternally optimistic “You can do it!” voice getting in the way of our seeing reality, we need to broaden our experience.

Upekkha is a concept that Buddhist monk Bhikkhu Bodhi described as such: “A spiritual virtue, upekkha means equanimity in the face of the fluctuations of worldly fortune. It is evenness of mind, unshakeable freedom of mind, a state of inner equipoise that cannot be upset by gain and loss, honor and dishonor, praise and blame, pleasure and pain.” The concept is so strong in Buddhism that it’s considered both one of the four divine abidings and one of the seven factors of enlightenment.

Cultivating an environment that allows for progress and competence has the following characteristics: A challenging but supportive environment The ability to take risks and voice your opinion without fear being the dominant motivator A path that shows the way for growth and improvement in your job or field